It it normal to feel like this after sexual abuse?

My step father has just died recently and I feel really weird about it. He married my mom when I was 6 and I loved him to bits. When I was 8, he started to touch me and get me to touch him. I knew it was wrong and I didn't like it but in another way I did. He was always kind and nice to me. He started having sex with me when I was 12. The first time was definitely rape. I was in agony and really upset but he told me I'd get used to it and learn to like it. I'm ashamed to day I did. I convinced myself what we were doing was OK and we were having an affair. Actually he was abusing me. It carried on until my early 20s. He got more and more extreme though over that time. He made me do some very degrading things. Now I can't have a normal sexual relationship. I don't feel it's normal unless the man is in control and I just do what he tells me. It feels strange to me to "make love". All these feelings have come up because he's just died. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. I know I should hate him but I don't. Is that normal??