Is your situation similar to mine?
Over my childhood, I had to suffer countless traumatic experiences which led me to be reclusive for most of my adult life. Growing up I was ridiculed for my skin color, being ugly, being too skinny, not being from around that place; you name it. When I finally got out of that place and moved to the U.S., I fell in love for the first time. For circumstances too complicated to explain here, I lost someone I grew to care about. My life was miserable before then, but once I lost that little bit of light in my life it broke me for the very first time. I would come to lose another after a long period of healing which led me to be devastated and what feels irreparable. I feel my thought muffled, sometimes making it hard to be coherent and sound. I suspect much of this post will have that same incoherence as well. For a long time, I just wanted my past pains to go away, to forget everything or just go to sleep, I wanted to feel empty rather than so much self-loathing and misery. I'll be 24 this year, I am still a virgin feeling unfulfilled in every aspect. I will re-enter college this fall to at least forgive myself for not taking advantage of my youth in regards to creating a carrier for myself, it is the very last hope I have in my life. I find myself waking up at 5 am without knowing why wishing that the sleep I just woke up from was to be my final. Most of my days now have become uneventful, I try to keep my mind busy so that I don't remember what I regard as my failures. I am in so much pain that numbness is all I can hope for at the moment. I found that certain types of music soothe me into that numb state, so I try to always listen to them whenever am not working. I've convinced myself girls are just a figment of my imagination and I look the other way whenever I see one. Sometimes when by chance I surf online and see the picture of one, I look away as fast as I can reminding and repeating to myself that they are not real. I am starting to believe that I am slowly descending into madness or that perhaps I am already there. I am way past self-preservation and the only quality I have left is that I don't want to hurt anyone but myself. I also distance myself for that very same reason, because I see myself as a disease that will inevitably hurt others, in my eyes, I protect them rather than myself.