Is this relationship worthwhile?

46% Normal
12 Comments

I've been seeing this guy for two years. He said he had fallen in love with me and the feeling was mutual. Shortly after his commitment, he started friending attractive, provacative women on his FB page. When I confronted him, he said that he just wanted attractive people on his page and has a weakness for attractive women. I left him at this point. He came back pledging his fidelity and I accepted. Shortly afterwards, he started liking women celebrity pages, all attractive and some very provacative poses very skimpily dressed. I confronted him again saying that these type of things hurt and he was very resistant to taking them off his page. At the end he did. I recently did a search for his likes and found a porn page and another woman that he had liked on her pages - noncelebrity but possibly an acquaintance. It seems that some of this stuff may have been initially hidden from me but came out on the search. He ended up saying that he had no idea of the porn page but could have been from long ago. He told me that he would get rid of all offensive likes but ended up the like for the acquaintance - a provacative attractive woman. I never saw this photo coming across my feed so at one point it must have been hidden. This lady is a dog training and so is he and felt that he shouldn't have to unlike. I'm also tired of his liking all the provacative celebrity women simply because of his nature. Am I being paranoid? He always comes back saying it wasn't to hurt me but I don't think he has the slightest idea given his proclivities. What do you think?

Voting Results
46% Normal
Based on 26 votes (12 yes)
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Comments ( 12 )
  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    He seems selfish and secretive if he still does things that you have repeatedly told him hurt you. This stuff seems kind of childish to me, but I don't use face book or any sites like that. I am out of the loop of social networking type drama. It just seems to cause unwanted and silly problems like what you are describing. My feeling is that if you love someone you sometimes have to make sacrifices to make your partner feel more comfortable in the relationship, even if what you sacrifice seems stupid or trivial. In this case your boyfriend seems to refuse to sacrifice his vice of befriending and liking attractive women. You told him it hurts you and now he is doing it behind your back. This should serve as a precautionary red flag to bigger problems with communication with him in the future.

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  • ThisIsImpossible
    10 years ago

    You should let him know facebook is a shitty place to find porn.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    It's difficult for strangers to deem whether or not your relationship is "worthwhile".

    That said, you can never go into any relationship with any expectations to change the behaviours of the other person. You have to accept them as is and, if they don't measure up to your standards, find someone else who does ...or just be with yourself for a while (no harm in that).

    Quite often, during the so-called 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship, people are inspired by the positivity they are experiencing to be the best person they can be. It's not that they are purposefully trying to mislead their partner, they are truly being themselves, but it's just the best version of who they are. Eventually, if you spend enough time with anyone, their personal baggage starts to show. Either you accept them, flaws and all, or you don't. The decision is yours to make.

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    • noid
      10 years ago

      Couldn't have said it better.

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    • Shelbs
      10 years ago

      Agree. Couldn't have said it better.

      However, from how the OP was written, I got the impression that she was not aware of his actions until after the commitment was made. Giving her, in my opinion, more justification for confronting him and asking him to respect her wishes.

      Regardless, now that she knows, she has to decide if this new behavior of his is something she is willing to accept if it isn't changed.

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      • HipkinsM
        10 years ago

        Shelbs, yes, what you say is true. Thanks everyone for being here. It helps to a degree to put things in perspective. Because you don't fall out of love overnight and there are different stages of emotions you go through, it helps to get impartial points of view. It's worth mentioning that I found quite by accident some time ago that he had sent flowers to a past co-worker because it was her birthday and was moving to a new home. I thought it was unusual that he would do this and did ask him. He explained that the flowers was a group gift from himself and past co-workers . It was meant both as a birthday and housewarming gift. He said he didn't have the receipt of monetary contributions from the rest of the group. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt and couldn't help wondering why he would ask for monetary contributions from the rest of the group if they live, in fact, out of town. With some prompting on my side and making him understand that there is little logic to this, I finally got him to admit that the flowers were his idea, he paid in full for them and were not from the group. He had done this once before with another women in our work place, not a subordinate and not part of his group. I asked why he did this and said he's known her for a while and wanted to acknowledge her birthday. My guess is that there will always be women he needs attention from.

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      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        That's the impression I got from the OP's post as well. That's why I thought it would be helpful to point out that eventually, when you spend enough time with anyone, their personal baggage starts to show in a relationship and it's futile to expect them to change. You either except their behaviour or you don't.

        Something similar happened in my own marriage. Although my situation was not exactly the same as the OP's, I have done a lot of research on the topic. ;)

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  • HipkinsM
    10 years ago

    This has been heavily on my mind for the past two days. In the final analysis, the sane thing to do would be to let go. I appreciate all your comments. This man has a very crafty way of making me feel that he's done nothing wrong or unusual and that these things never registered to him as being hurtful.I have questioned myself more than once wondering if it is I being unreasonable. He's mentioned that he'd also like to have birthday dinners with some past female co-workers that he's gifted as I've stated above in my response to Shelbs. There are 3-4 women none of which I've ever met. Because of his dishonesty particularly with gifting these women, I now end up questioning much of what he says. Although I understand holiday exchange gifts, I find sending flowers to former female co-workers on their birthdays strange. I have seen pictures of these women from previous activities since they all worked in my same institution and it all seems to fit. They are indeed very attractive. I would love to read up on the profile of these types of male personalities. By and large, I am becoming more and more convinced that it should not be the behavior of a man truly in love.
    Any comments?

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  • Foamy'sACoolSquirrel
    10 years ago

    That's something you have to figure out on your own. Look deep into the relationship and ask yourself how it has it's pluses and minuses.

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    • HipkinsM
      10 years ago

      You're absolutely right but sometimes it does help to receive opinions.

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  • dom180
    10 years ago

    Take Facebook less seriously. Facebook, porn and masturbation are things that belong to your partner and aren't yours to interfere with. You could ask him not to publicly like those pages; I can see why that would be humiliating for you. But apart from that, you really have to let him do what he wants and break it off with him if you can't reconcile your differences.

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    • HipkinsM
      10 years ago

      In our case we talked about FB as something to link us when apart and what you say would be true if not in a tight relationship as ours became. I find it insulting and in poor taste to like a porn site on a social network. As an update, he agreed to even take the provocative celebrity pages off. Again, I believed he would absolutely do this only to find out that he did some picking and choosing. At this point, my decision should be obvious. I suspect it's may be part of a narcissist personality.

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