Is this normal: trust? sexuality?

I am an eighteen year old girl. I have never in my life been in a relationship. I really have no clue who or what I am. I feel lonely, but when people try to get close to me I push them away. I know that I do this, yet I can't stop it. I have a few friends I talk to at school, but if they ask me places or invite me I decline. I am scared, I think, but I don't really know why. I have never had a boyfriend, but also I have never been attracted to anyone before (boy or girl). I do not trust guys at all. I don't know, I always feel like they will hurt me in some way.
I wasn't always this way though. Four years ago and earlier I had lots of friends. They weren't the most perfect people and all of them definitely had baggage. But even then I couldn't talk to guys. I gravitated to girls.

Four years ago all my friends turned on me and my dad lost his job and my mom and him always fought. Not too long after that i was diagnosed with an eating disorder I know spawned not from body image but from control, or lack thereof.
Two years ago I had 2 close friends. One died of CF, and the other just left me. She switched schools and I don't hear from her anymore.

Their is only one person outside of my family that I can even talk to. He is about a year younger than me, and he is gay. For some reason I feel I can trust him, sort of. I still don't tell anyone anything of consequence.

I don't know what I really want from posting this story. It was probably really stupid.
Maybe I just want to know why I am so messed up. I want and at the same time don't want to make relationships with people. I want, but don't want, to have trust.
Does anyone have any advice (please don't tell me to see a shrink, I have and it was awful).

Thanks

Voting Results
49% Normal
Based on 63 votes (31 yes)
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Comments ( 12 )
  • You need a hug

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  • JustDave

    You sound like an intelligent, likeable person. I'm no expert but sometimes people get into a "survival mode" when they experience bad things. They kind of emotionally shut down.If you don't feel any improvement then maybe you should talk to another psychologist or Dr. Find one that you feel comfortable with.

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  • Kacey

    It's not a stupid story. You've had a lot happen to force you to put a barrier up. I get that. But... It's no way to live your life. Give people a chance and know that sometimes, most times, it's a good thing.

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  • bunnie

    Read about islam .. It gave me peace

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  • So?12

    U have trusylt in a gay dude cuz u probably r lesbian... Hapens all the time. Before u only spoke to girls. It says it all

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  • blitzloca

    You'll be okay.
    Life will change, you'll move, you'll age, old friends will leave, new ones will come to replace them. Even if it's not today, or tomorrow, or next week, don't be afraid that you will be alone. You are never truly alone. There are seven billion souls on this planet and I promise you that so many of them feel just like you. You many feel lost, you may not have the answers, and you may not know exactly what step to take next but trust me, you'll be okay. You will meet someone that makes you feel different, maybe at 18, maybe at 25, maybe at 80, they're out there wandering and waiting to meet you. So keep going, one foot in front of the other. Jump into the things that make you happy, make plans to travel, make summer plans, make plans for the next day, the next week, just keep looking ahead...Everyone has baggage and we cannot express happiness without knowing sadness, so take the hard times you've gone through and set them aside but do not forget. Take people at face value and by how they treat you now. Find their value in how they treat you and not who they've been or what emotions trail behind them and most of all... fight for who you are, and who you will become and trust me, you'll find the friends and the life that will swell your heart with love.

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  • x6tence

    hell yea that kinda thinking hurts deep, straight dudes cant be trusted they all gonna grave scars u dont wanna have in the first place
    i got figured whats wrong with me that way bout girls when i watched dr. house lmao
    its like the fear of rejection n even if u try to put faith in someone they gonna hurt u even more,its not always like that tho,only if ur sensible n more than an average human can be,
    but for real try getting stronger day by day,love urself so much that u wont care whatever gonna happen,if u dont like the way u r right now,it takes guts to trust someone it`s those who cant trust those r the true weak ppl,
    even tho being gay aint that bad lesbos r sexy...

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  • Dotsonicide

    Like some other people said, there are some things in the past u r afraid of, and that's understandable, I have things come back from the past that my folks tell me about. And all I can say is to either slowly open up to the world or just focus on other things in life untill u r ready to start taking the necessary steps to have a relationship and what not. Face your fears though, it's a lot easier then it seems. Another thing to think about is that what ur afraid of is an essential part of life, love, rather that be through friends, a personal relationship with a male or female, the love from your parents or just love from something u enjoy doing. Without love one cannot live a happy and joyful life. I'm more optimistic and open then a lot of people so my advice my not be for
    U, but that doesn't mean u shouldn't try it. Good luck, and I hope things get better for you. -DOTSON

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  • steelergrl

    Are you afraid to trust because you think everyone will leave you? Trust me, you are worth it and you need to find someone to connect with. They are out there and it may be uncomfortable to put yourself out there but well worth it. You have to love yourself first. Start with trying to find something about a person that you can compliment and do it outloud. You will start to feel confidence and make another person happy at the same time.

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  • aps2010

    Give it time and don't rush what doesn't feel right

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  • FunnyUSayThat

    did something happen to you during your childhood? normally people who have had something happen during childhood tend to clam up.

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  • AlexandraRuth

    I was raped as a little girl and have the same problems. The memories of the rape were supressed until just 2 years ago so I was always suspicious something happened but never sure.
    I'd defintely look into a therapist.

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