Is this a normal result of years of problems?

75% Normal
6 Comments

I love my husband; he's funny as hell, intelligent, we enjoy the same activities, he helps me around the house, we share the same sense of humor and we love spending time together. I'm more social than he is - I'm often staying out later than him when he wants to go home early because he has some social anxiety. We've discussed this and we're both okay with it, although I'd prefer he stay out and have fun with me.

Our sex life has been stop and start for the whole 8 years we've been together. In our first few years together, I was an emotional mess and hurt him pretty badly. As a result of that hurt, he withheld sex from me for about a year. We worked through it, got things back on track, and moved on. About four years ago, things started going south again sexually due to lack of communication on both of our sides. This went on for about three years off and on - sometimes it'd be better, sometimes worse.

Last year, I finally sat down with him and told him how I felt and what I wanted/needed from him sexually. It was a really hard conversation for him to have, but he tried his best to participate. He said he needed me to tell him more things I liked sexually so that he could make sure he was doing everything I wanted. So I started making lists for him of things I like, I found bdsm quizzes online for both of us to take to get an idea of what we both want, but I told him most importantly, I needed to feel wanted.

For one reason or another, he didn't follow through on any of those things. He never did any of the things I told him I liked or wanted and eventually I just gave up. We didn't have sex for six months. Then we a pretty bad argument about it, he said he understood that he had let me down by not doing the things I had told him I needed [side note: I was still doing things for him that he wanted/needed during this time]. He promised to be better.

It did get better for about a month. Then he stopped again, and it went another 6 weeks without anything from him, with me still trying to initiate things and have an encounter we could both enjoy. It didn't work.

Now, again, we had another argument about it and he's trying again. But my body just isn't responding. I tense up when he touches me, and part of me knows it's because I'm waiting for him to fumble around and do things he thinks feel good but just annoy me. Then, when I try to move his hand where I want it, or ask him to do something differently while we're in the middle of foreplay, he gets upset. So now I just don't feel like it's worth it at all.

Is this normal? Is this just the result of years of ups and downs because of this?

Voting Results
75% Normal
Based on 8 votes (6 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • bigtoy
    12 years ago

    I understand your frustrations but, trying to look at it from his point of view, I can't help thinking that he doesn't get excited by doing these things to you and that's normal. I wouldn't get turned on pissing on a girl who asked for it because it's just not my thing. I could probably do it but it wouldn't do anything for me and you can bet I wouldn't put my all into it. I know sex is about pleasing each other. but there are limits and every one has them. I also know that regular sex can get routine and boring and people feel the need to spice things up, but it has to be about the BOTH of you. Marriage shouldn't be just about sex either - sounds like you have a great partner - be grateful for that as it's much more important. Love him for who he is and not for what he can or can't do in bed, ok?

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    • fauxmien
      12 years ago

      @bigtoy: I'm not asking him to do anything except do some foreplay in between kissing me once and shoving his hand in my pants, so it's actually not something I'm willing to negotiate.

      @pumpedupkicks: we have had periods wherein our sex life was good. and yes, we've definitely had problems other than sex in the past, but we've thankfully worked all of those out. I think that's why this is so frustrating to me - I keep thinking this should be one of the easiest things to fix!

      @sprite: this is something we end up doing because we end up not being able to have intercourse. I like the idea of having this be the goal to begin with, it might ease some of the pressure.

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      • bigtoy
        12 years ago

        @fauxmien
        Hi,
        I see what you're saying now. As you say that in the past things have been good, you have to discover what has changed/ where you have gone wrong. Taking into account what you have said and going by past experience, I think he may just feel pressured by you - I say that because you mention that he gets upset when you suggest something different. Your feeling unresponsive is probably because you expect it not to go well and as soon as it starts to go pear shaped you lose patience with him. Good sex is about a positive attitude - if you think it's going to be good and you want it to be good, it will be good. My only suggestion is that you try to get back to doing what you did before - the things that worked for you both, and build from there. You need to build his self-confidence back up. When he feels he can do the job well, he will do the job well. Men are very sensitive about their prowess and are easily hurt by remarks that are often not intended to hurt but end up hurting. Remember - you can make this work because you have made it work before, which is very different from couples who have never made it work.
        m

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    i agree with bigtoy and pumpedupkicks, sex therapy and try to see it from his side also, it'd be a shame to lose a nice husband when resolution could be round the corner

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  • sprite
    12 years ago

    Unfortunately this is a lot more common than people admit, many couples end up giving up sex altogether. Which is incredibly sad for both of them.

    This is going to continue being a struggle until he learns to relax and enjoy exploring your body. It sounds as though he may have some issues about what he may perceive as a sexually 'dominant' female.

    I'm not saying its the case, but he may have had a very negative experience when he was young with a dominant female making him do things he didn't want to do. ounselling/therapy could well be the best option, but be aware he may need to go to sessions on his own.

    In the meantime, try not having full intercourse, but a mutual masturbation session instead. Kissing but actually touching your own bodies to reach climax.

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  • FurcadianAddict
    12 years ago

    My parets are the same, I hear then argueing about it every now and then. (Yes, I still live with my parents.)

    It will hopefully go away eventually, and you tensing is your body saying "This isn't right." since either: you don't like it and/or you aren't used to it.

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