Is there a term for this?

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16 Comments

I don't usually care about labels, but sometimes they make it easier to explain things.
One common topic is sexual/romantic orientation, and while I am not confused, I do not know if there is a term to describe the way I am.
I have always had a hard time understanding peoples relationships. I had good parents but they didn't get along. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it.
I have tried out having relationships before and they didn't work out, but when I got into them at first I wasn't wanting a relationship but they evolved over time.
I felt somewhat uncomfortable being in relationships. I like being around people, but I also need a lot of my own space. I cannot imagine ever having to live with the same person forever. I like the people I know, but I wouldn't want to live with them. Part of why my last relationship ended was because I didn't want to live with her even though I did really like her.
I have a hard time wording emotions. I can describe what I am thinking well, but emotional terms seem vague to me and don't really mean anything.

I cannot get what the difference of having a friend you have sex with vs a romantic partner is.
I'm not quite sure if I know what romance is. I'm pretty sure I have a lot of platonic love because I care about friends, family and pets a lot. But the way I like people is the same, I don't understand any differences of types of love.

Sexually I like certain women, but I am also picky and uninterested until I get to know one. Lots of my friends always talk about random girls and I have never cared about random girls and feel more attracted to them when I get to know their personality, as strange as some might think that seems. I have no sexual feelings for men but I care about my male friends equally.

I do have a normal sex drive, although it has been reduced since I have to take medicine that has sexual reduction as a side effect.

I do like cuddling with women as much as sex. I'm not sure if this is because of meds. I also really like massages. I have connective tissue problems so physical contact is good for me as excersize.

I am satisified with them amount of female interaction I currently get. I have lots of good female friends, some are ex's too. I like hanging out with them and I always can find a girl to go have dinner with, which I like to do.
I like my female friends, but I think we get along better when we do not live together. I get along better with everyone when I don't live with them.

So I'm wondering if there is a simpler way to explain all this.

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63% Normal
Based on 48 votes (30 yes)
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Comments ( 16 )
  • kinkyace
    10 years ago

    Hey there *waves* I hope you read this, because I am pretty sure I have an answer for you :D

    Sounds as though you are an ''aromantic'' ^_^ and there are lots of people just like you!!!

    over on AVEN (the online asexual community) we have plenty of aromantic asexuals, and many of them have aspergers interestingly enough!... the fact that you enjoy sex and friendship, but do not necessarily see a difference between a friend you have sex with vs. romantic partner, sounds a lot to me as though you are an Aromantic heterosexual, which is totally awesome!

    Here is the AVEN definition of 'Aromantic' :)

    Aromantic

    ''An aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships.

    What distinguishes romantic relationships from a non-romantic relationships can vary diversely, but often includes physical connection (holding hands, cuddling, etc.) and monogamous partnership. The aromantic attribute is usually considered to be innate and not a personal choice, just as the lack of sexual attraction is innate to asexuals. It is important to note that aromantics do not lack emotional/personal connection, but simply have no instinctual need to develop connections of a romantic nature. Aromantics can have needs for just as much empathetic support as romantics, but these needs can be fulfilled in a platonic way.

    It is possible for an aromantic individual to be involved in, and enjoy, a devoted relationship with another person, but these relations are often closer friendships, naturally reflecting the closeness of the two individuals and not a purposely initiated monogamous separation as is often found in romantic couples. It is also possible for aromantics to form romantic relationships just as it is possible for asexuals to form sexual relationships. Aromantics may experience squishes which are the aromantic or platonic equivalent of a romantic crush.
    People anywhere on the sexual spectrum (sexual, asexual, grey-A, etc.) may be aromantic.''

    So, has this helped at all??? :D

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      Thanks for responding.
      I have used the term aromantic to describe how I am but am still confused about what romance really is.
      When you bring up a difference being cuddling, I do like physical contact like that, but I wish people gave those things more freely instead of needing to be in a "relationship" with them.
      Because I am not willing to have a monogamous relationship with anyone, with a possible exception if I have known them for a very long time, I do not get much physical contact with anyone, which concerns me because physical contact is important to release oxytocin which I think I already lack as it is.
      When most people describe romantic love, their definition often seems to me to be obsessive and what I would consider to be very unhealthy.
      I feel more of an inability to distinguish between different types of love.
      My past girlfriends have described our relationship as being friends who had sex, which I thought was great, but I have not been able to keep together that sort of relationship and have always found nothing but disappointment in the end. I am truly baffled at the concept as well as most the things humanity does.

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    • kinkyace
      10 years ago

      oh, and here is a link for you!

      http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Aromantic

      This links you to other aromantic threads, within the AVEN community :)

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  • Sog
    10 years ago

    It sounds like a very mild autism spectrum disorder.

    You say that you don't understand the difference between a friend that you have sex with and a romantic partner. The answer I would give you is the level of mutual trust and intimacy that you have with this partner.

    From this post, I get the impression that you don't really consider the needs and emotions of these other women and throughout your post you only talk about your own. I'd be willing to bet that the reason your relationships don't work out is because they tend to be very one-sided.

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      I've been told I am one-sided before, but I do not know how I am because I do share things when I want to be around people.
      As far as trusting people, I have a hard time distinguishing who I should and shouldn't trust. I tend to be gullible and paranoid at the same time, if that makes any sense. Even though I realize this, it doesn't make it any easier to know what people are thinking.
      I already know I have asperger's and am diagnosed. I wasn't sure if that was related or not because a lot of people with autism really want relationships.

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      • amazinggrace
        10 years ago

        I have asperger's and this sounds sort of like me, but I'm an extrovert (not common among asperger's) and I know a lot of emotions - for what I think that emotion is supposed to mean. What do I mean? Emotions are complicated, and it's always a work in progress.

        Anyways. As far as the sex/romance is concerned, for me, I make a huge distinction. I didn't even know a kiss could be sexual until a few weeks ago! The thing is for me, as a girl, I find it hard to see romance or sex as love. Love is being outside of a relationship and caring for that person anyway. When you get into a relationship, that's when things get weird. SOMEONE will have emotions, and emotions will get in the way of the relationship. The relationship will also make love more difficult, but it can be a tool. Learn to use the tool wisely, and that comes by having as open a mind as possible and at least an okayish moral judgment system. The second part is my problem (as well as assertiveness).

        Sex is different, too. While sex can be seen as a loving act, it's only that in the right circumstances. Otherwise, it's just a fun gig whose meaning is really to force pleasure on each other. Personally? I don't call that love. If you're not careful, you could feel used.

        I don't mean to be down on relationships, but it's a tough battle. Everyone thinks they want to be in a relationship, and no one wants to be in a relationship once they're there. Hypocrites? I think not. But a relationship is a HUGE commitment; you don't just go in with a YOLO attitude and assume that everything will go your way.

        So, I feel you. And I think you have feelings and emotions too, because we all do. We aspies just feel them differently. And currently, I don't even know, I might just be a nun if I don't find anyone, and I don't want anyone right now. Too much to think about. Too much to take care of. Too many feelings to address. I know, I'm being immature, but really, when the time comes, I'll have a change of heart enough to where I'm willing to give love another try again. Just be strong and make sure you go after LOVE and not the other person's body, carelessness, romance, attractiveness, or any other thing. Remember, love is blind. Love doesn't care about anything except for the fact that you're you. So go be you with someone else. Go love them the same way you love being you. And if you don't love being you yet, figure out how. And that's when you'll learn how to love.

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        • amazinggrace
          10 years ago

          Oh - and for the simple answer of how to distinguish "romantic partner" and "friend you have sex with" :

          romantic partners kiss. Seriously. With everyone I've been with, they say the same. In fact, you don't even have to have sex to be in a relationship with someone. But there's a certain amount of touching I'm guessing the other person wants. And the5lovelanguages.com might help you out too. Touch isn't everything. Check it out :)

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          • [Old Memory]
            10 years ago

            Thanks for responding. I took that test and scored 11/12 on quality time and low on the others, which seems accurate. I am extroverted for an aspie as well and do like spending time with people I like, but I need a lot of alone time as well.
            I think the confusing thing about my situation is that I am in a society that greatly revolves around romance. I'm pretty indifferent to most relationship activities and some parts of those situations even sound terrible to me.
            At the same time I do like having someone to sleep with because it's comfortable and I like to share dreams with people. It seems most people expect a relationship to do this though.
            So I'm a demisexual aromantic who likes to cuddle. It seems like there aren't many people who feel the same way about this.

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  • SometimesNaive
    10 years ago

    Maybe you're pansexual or metrosexual?

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  • shortandtothepoint
    10 years ago

    Sounds like Aspergers / ASD. I can relate to this.

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  • tripw7
    10 years ago

    Don't know of another there but "loaner" is one that is probably not far from being where you are. No problem being a loaner of course. I think this is a good place for you, whether you call yourself that term or not. Enjoy what you have, as I think you have it all together quite well.

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  • zenparadox
    10 years ago

    It sounds great. I understand what you're saying. Its good (& rare) that you do not get obsessed with one person. Maybe u will be able to avoid the "love hurts" experience. However. I think u have a very low sex drive. That doesn't mean no sex drive, but its sort of like u just enjoy the sensations of sex. As if its just masturbation. But with someone else. That goes along with your social inclinations. You do better with others when you don't live with them. I bet you habe a very deep and good relationship with yourself which leaves you less needy of others and because you don't have that desperate need you don't automatically have that open vulnerability that thing we do where we open ourselves to others as if we need them EVEN THOUGH WE MIGHT B BADLY HURT. because of that partial emptiness we want to fill. So if u aren't empty u may not have that sense of urgency to connect. If u are very self actualized you may feel a ok with or without take or leave it. But be a little more vulnerable. Its worth it. Wether its sexual romantic or platonic who cares. Just lose yourself a little in another person

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      In my last relationship, I was disappointed that things did not work out. At the same time we still get along even better than we did when we lived together.
      I didn't want a relationship when I met her, but she grew on me and things evolved into one.
      I did want to work things out but she has a new boyfriend now. At the same time I think I'm going to miss her more when she moves out of state in a few months. I don't really miss her as of now because I still hang out with her all the time. I cannot imagine anyone possible who I would want to live with because I get along with everyone better when they are away most the time. I wonder why other people aren't this way.

      I may not desire a relationship also because I have so many friends that I don't get lonely or bored. I didn't make the friends I have though luck though. I met them though being active and seeking social activities frequently and participating in lots of events.

      I do think it is somewhat offensive when people claim they "need" a partner, or how upset they are over a relationship not working. I do have my reasons I think this way which I will explain.
      Many people never have anybody, and it's not by choice. I think it is very insulting to people who have nobody when people complain that they cannot have whoever they want to be with.
      Also I have known a lot of people who have died.
      When there is an unsuccessful relationship, that person is still around, just not all the time. When someone dies they are gone from here for good and there is no resolution ever. While I felt disappointment in my unsuccessful relationship it is nothing compared to permanate loss of people I care about.

      I have been trying really hard to except other peoples emotional vulnerabilities but it is so hard when I don't even think my own problems are out of the ordinary either. There are so many people in the world living severe trauma everyday and I have a hard time sympathizing for anyone dealing with anything less.

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      • CheekyBabyFace
        10 years ago

        Can you receive affection in any kind of relationship? Like when a family member or friend gives you a hug or a kiss on the cheek does it freak you out and make you feel uncomfortable?

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        • [Old Memory]
          10 years ago

          It's not receiving affection that makes me uncomfortable.
          It's that I don't like being tied down by others.
          I also need more personal space than most people do.
          I do like to go out and socialize but at the end of the day I want to be alone and not be bothered.
          If someone is around all the time I feel annoyed with them after a while. It's not anything personal with them either. I just like to have an even amount of alone time as social time and like to live alone and have a place to go where I don't have to be bothered by anyone.

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          • CheekyBabyFace
            10 years ago

            So then your a loner? Its a type of personality and I guess a lifestyle.

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