Is there a name for this? what is it and is it normal?

20% Normal

I was listening to the song My Love - Route 94 earlier and realised I have an awkward relationship with "love" I guess. Can somebody help me to work out whats going on with my head. I remembered when I went to a christian event called N****y as a kid and during the last meeting there was a prayer session. I remember looking around and seeing everybody crying and at first I had this really strong urge to cry but then, I felt this incredible surge of hatred for God and EVERYONE in the room, my crying friends, church leaders...... and I instinctively stormed out and skipped the rest of the meeting. (I know you dont all believe in god so theres more e.g's)
When my parents split up, the first time my mum cried I remember her saying "your father doesn't love me anymore" and she ran into my arms crying and I just held her, but I was angry at her and kept thinking "Yeah you bitch! Course he doesn't your annoying as fuck, your a shit wife anyway..etc.etc." As soon as she let go of me I stormed out and to this day she still thinks I was mad at my Dad.
My first gf told me she loves me on the phone and I very seriously asked "wat? why do you love me?" and she was kinda stumped, so I juss laughed it off. I dumped her like a week later.
A VERY CLOSE friend got beat up at the club, and when he showed us his injuries, at first I felt sad, but then I felt annoyed and I thought he deserved it because he thinks hes tough. I kinda like seeing people get hurt sometimes. I cheated on a gf before, told her, she was crying on the phone, still felt nothing for her. I have also been cheated on and still it felt like nothing had changed. Soo earlier when I heard this song, I felt an amazing euphoric feeling, but when I thought about the lyrics it gave me a sickly feeling, and I started to get a really hot rage but I didnt know why. I punched my radio soo hard that it broke.
I saw a video of myself as a child at about 7 few months back and I was with my little sister hugging her, it kinda bothers me to think I lost ALLLL compassion/love for the world since that age. My mum even says to me, "what happened to my little boy who used to be so lovely". I've come to the conclusion that at some age I developed a weird HATE for LOVE and anything to do with love. Its instinctive as well, at uni I met a foreigner and he was really kool, but then he started telling me how he likes Deangelo, I was like W.T.F is that? So he played it and all I can say is its about love and stuff kinda similar to the group "Genuine" whom I hate also(dad loves it,always playing it) I hear this stuff, and it creates a infuriating feeling in me "lovey" and "soft" it is. Soo I began trying to ridicule it almost automatically, after he made a comment like "why dont you like it" and I said "I dunno, I just dont like songs about love and stuff. There gay and soft" What is this anger towards things about love? and how can I feel more compassion for the world and people again. Its slowing down my development as a human being, and people think I'm evil.

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20% Normal

Based on 10 votes (2 yes)

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Comments ( 15 )

NotTheSun

9 years ago

First; You are a product of divorce.
Second; Regardless of having "relationships", you have not fallen in love with anyone.
You would know if you had. Even if you are opposed to the feeling, the "right" person would derive feelings and emotions that you didn't know existed.
Last; Being a product of divorce effects children (especially) and young adults immensely and the detrimental effect it has is often subconscious, meaning whether you realize it or not, it effects a lot of things and how you perceive love.

If it was a divorce, or absent father (who left) you more than likely have lacked adequate love, support and affection from your family. Mostly family and parents cause resentments. To which you become repulsed by emotions you do not understand or feel, which ultimately is because you need it, you may not want to accept this, like a lot of people. You can become opposed to the idea of it, repulsed, uncomfortable etc, but if you ever experience it, you will change this mindset. Sometimes in certain cases, one will have a family/children of their own and suddenly you realize you are more than human and are capable of loving someone, more than yourself.

No one is truly incapable of loving, it is the lack of love that causes resentment and hate towards others, almost enviously. You are not evil, you just lack emotional responses, because you may have lacked empathy and reassurance, yourself, in life.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  You hit the nail on the head with the last part. I have definitly been lacking empathy and reassurance from an early age, so I sort of pushed people away. I havent felt as though people cared about me in life, and so when I hear about love it sorta makes me feel sickly. I think its envy but I dont feel like I'm jealous or want it though, I just feel like its.....like its nice when you feel it.....but why does it makes me annoyed or angry when I feel it?? I cant describe it. Like, as im typing this I can think about it "LOVE" only pleasurable if Im thinking of sex. Otherwise I jst dont like it...kinda...
  
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  - NotTheSun
    
    9 years ago
    
    It makes you feel discomfort, or angry/sickly, because you're not experiencing genuinely strong connections between people (because of your past, it's subconscious and hindered your vulnerable/open side) you may have not found this "love", but when someone you do love has the same strong enamorment with you, you will suddenly become more open and accept it and compassion can come easily. Not in a corny fairytale manner, but real and effortless manner -- having the connection and bond/loyalty to someone, someone deserving of your emotions, vice versa.
    
    You may have lacked this, but it will not dictate your life and ability to care about someone, as well as others. You unfortunately have been without the amazing joy and pleasure of a strong bond. This person would take you beyond sexual relief, and those pleasures; you suddenly have a best friend, someone who supports you, accepts you, even if flawed, respect and nurture, from someone you can give this to as well. It seems like an unattainable situation, to some, but be open to it. Someone can care enough and change your entire perspective.
    
    I was like this, before my longest relationship. She changed my perspective and life. For the better.
    
    I have seen many cases of people being near repulsed by the idea of love and incapable of showing affection and compassion. All before a multitude of changes, healthy ones, of course. You may feel angry now, this will always pertain to your lack of adequate love, support or reassuring emotional response, in life. Thus far, that is.
    Don't let it dictate how you feel about others, you didn't deserve any form of neglect, be it emotionally or other aspects, you deserve good friends, family and a potential spouse/relationship with someone who is more than sex to you. Realizing this and making an effort to accept that you will find solace, eventually, will help. Don't sell yourself short of amazing feelings that are attainable. If you love yourself, you will begin to see there are traits about you someone will see and appreciate and love, as well. I hate to think people have been sold short of good relationships between family or others. Keep a positive attitude, your anger is simply resentment, it's not who you are.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      reading that was like someone just watched the movie of my life experience and explained it to me better than I've ever understood it. Its crazy to think some guy I've neva met probably understands me better than I understand myself. You've no idea how much you have helped me. I didnt want to get therapy, or see a gp, so you've genuinely got no idea how much you have changed my perspective of my life in the last 2 days.
      
      I thank you sir
      
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      - NotTheSun
        
        9 years ago
        
        That's amazing to see, I'm beyond thankful and elated I could help. Especially you. Just seeing how much you needed some perspective and input, from someone who understands and genuinely wanted to open you up some and provide support and therapeutic conversation; you deserve it too.
        
        Anytime, buddy! I'm happy you feel better about this all. Talking to people like yourself, is what I love about this site.
        
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  - mlbryan44
    
    9 years ago
    
    I think I love you.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      dawwwwwwww, comeee
      oxo
      :D
      
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ThisIsImpossible

9 years ago

Why don't you try mushrooms, it may help you see what you've hidden from yourself.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  ....because using drugs as a crutch to feel good emotions, is only good when you have
  A:drugs
  B:Money 4 drugs
  
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  - ThisIsImpossible
    
    9 years ago
    
    I didn't say it would make you feel good, it can go any way really.
    
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mlbryan44

9 years ago

Ever suck a cock you didn't like?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  ???wats that about? I thought u loved me?? lool
  
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  - mlbryan44
    
    9 years ago
    
    I do. sorry, i couldn't help myself. I thought you didn't read my comment.
    
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wistfulmaiden

9 years ago

Growing up is disappointing. you just had a realization that things will never be perfect and it sucks.
Youre not a bad person as long as you dont go around shooting random strangers. We all have messed up things in our heads.
When you feel this way don't try to deny it just accept it for what it is, its easier to deal and get over bad feelings this way.

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ProblemsCanHurt

9 years ago

You're trying to get rid of the fact that fairy tails don't exist anymore, you show your rage to prove you're strong and you don't care. Sometimes it's a good thing, it can also be bad.

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Are You Normal?

Is there a name for this? what is it and is it normal?