Is spying going too far or is it just right?

69% Normal
34 Comments

I used to work at night while my husband worked days, so he was alone at night and I found out that he had relationships (yes, plural) with women online and over the phone. He would get right on the phone with them literally the second I walked out the door untill right before I came back. They were ex girlfriends he found on facebook. I caught him a couple times, he said he'd stop talking to them....he didn't, and he lied and covered it up, and I actually believed him, untill one day it all blew up on him and he couldn't deny it anymore.

He was telling one of the girls that he loved her and was talking to her for hours a day on the phone. He was telling her we were getting divorced (we NEVER talked about getting divorced). They were planning to meet right about when he got caught the last time. It went pretty far, it wasn't just friends (which is what he told me initailly).

We talked it over, I forgave him-but I need to gain trust back in him. It's been a few months and I am about to start a new job, and it happens to be night hours again. He hasn't been doing anything in the past few months, I've been checking. BUT, sometimes I think it's only because I'm home when he's home and he can't do anything on the computer while I'm here. He knows better than to do anyhting on the phones because I got paper billing so I can look, it's the computer that I'm worried about.

If it happens again, I want a divorce, however I'd need proof. I want to install spy software on the computer. This situation just crushed me and it made me afraid to leave my house. I have not worked or left the house alone since this happened. Taking this job is a huge step for me and the mistrust is wearing on me heavily. But I have to take the job, I have to move along, I can't stay home forever. And I don't want my feelings to affect my job performance. I feel the only way to ease my mind and be able to leave and perform at work is to spy.

If you were in my spot, would you install spy software on the computer to see if he goes right back to what he was doing? Am I normal for thinking I HAVE to spy at least for a little while?

Voting Results
69% Normal
Based on 61 votes (42 yes)
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Comments ( 34 )
  • CountryRoads
    13 years ago

    If you need to install spyware, your marriage is a failure.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      13 years ago

      It might or might not be a failure-that's what I want to find out.

      Have you ever been in this position? If you haven't then you don't know what you would feel or do. I WANT to find him doing nothing wrong, I want to believe this is over, I want to be able to totally trust him again-but after being lied to for so long to my face, it's kind of hard to just leave the house and not wonder what's going on. I don't want to waste any time either way-if he's not doing anything, then great, and I can stop worrying about it and believe him. If he IS doing something then he's out the door. And I want proof for court!! That's important.

      I'm not going to spy for a long time either, if he's doing something then I'll confront him immediately and if not then after a month or two, I'm done spying and I'll be happy and trust him unless he gives me a reason not to.

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  • ck38
    13 years ago

    I think I would install spyware for a couple of months to make sure he's not jerking you around. If it's all good, uninstall.

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  • MasterGregory
    8 years ago

    The golden rule of plural marriage is if you cannot do it with the wife of in front of the wife, it should not be done.

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  • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
    13 years ago

    What you need to do is establish exactly what you want in the relationship. Monitoring? Yes, but not 100% forever. You need to BOTH agree on how long he will be monitored. Six months? A year? Whatever you both decide on... but after that is over, you HAVE to stop monitoring him.

    This is why you should get an actual counselor. The counselor can help you establish what is acceptable for a demand and what is selfish and unreasonable.

    The problem is... the counselor won't accept "he cheated, I'm the victim, therefore i get whatever i want".
    And you will have to accept the fact that you cannot punish him forever over this.

    I'm not saying he shouldn't be punished and have consequences. I'm just saying there has to be limits to those.

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  • lostwithouttrace
    13 years ago

    It looks to me like you've pretty much decided you're going to do this spying and have only posted the question to crystalise your decision.

    Valkeer sounds an interesting legal note of caution (countersuit!), however, and I'm going to add a saying of my grandmother's: 'Good guessers shouldn't marry.' Cynical yes, but possibly wise, the practical upshot being: don't seek, don't find. It was certainly to the benefit of my grandparents marriage that my grandfather never guessed my mum wasn't really his child! They remained happily together until death did they part.

    Personally I've discovered I'm completely sanguine about people cheating on me, but I know that ISN'T normal (or is it? I must do a poll).

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    Spying is completely unacceptable and if the person I married was doing it to me not only would I divorce them but I would press charges and hire the best lawyer in town to go after you.

    That is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    In a bad paraphrase to Johnny Cochrane, "If you feel the need to spy, you feel the need to fly".

    The guy's established he doesn't care about you. Dump him.

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  • theytookthisone
    13 years ago

    what happens if you find something you didnt want to see? what then? are you gonna separate or divorce? if not, you should go behind his back too!

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  • BoredGuy
    13 years ago

    You love him?

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  • Tancho
    13 years ago

    In your shoes (and been there myself) he would be gone. To be blunt (for me) life is too short to be wasting time on that kind of crap.
    It kind of makes a mockery of relationships being based on trust, I have to agree with CountryRoads if you have to spy on him then the relationship is already over. Besides you can set up spyware on the computer but will you be 100% sure he hasn't gone to an Internet cafe or has a pay as you go mobile phone to contact these people unless you intend on monitoring his every move outside the house? As I said earlier, lifes too short to waste time on that kind of crap!!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      13 years ago

      No, we live in a rural area and he would have no way to get anywhere because I'd have the car and he'd have our 2 kids and cell phones don't work out here either. He has no access to any computers or phones at work either. If he's going to do something, it'll happen from this computer!

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  • Layla32
    13 years ago

    You have ever right to spy on him! I from this day don't get why guys do this when they are in a relationship with someone.It pisses me off! All I can say is if you catch him again no more giving him chances.Put that spy wear on! Who cares about spying being bad.He disrespected you.

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  • Stephanie_87
    13 years ago

    Normal to be nervous here, but trust is gone daddy gone. if no trust, then it is over.

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  • tata0223
    13 years ago

    I dont look all the time anymore, coz he's changed. Only occasionally.

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  • tata0223
    13 years ago

    4 years ago I was in the EXACT same situation with my boyfriend. Like you I never wanted to leave for class and work and etc. I jus blew at him and we broke up. 1 yr later we got back together but to this day i still spy and check on him jus to make sure. Coz i know that the moment he does it again its over. Obviously a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is different to a marriage. But do you have kids? If you feel the need to do it I would say DO IT! Better knowing than to be lied to. It hurts but love yourself.

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  • howaminotmyself
    13 years ago

    Whether he is or isn't cheating, spying is still dishonest. Are you really going to sink to his level or are your better then that?

    And don't think of it as a failure, think of it as "coming to your senses." No one should be disrespected like that, but spying does not solve anything.

    Also, check the browser history.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      13 years ago

      And an afterthought, what if I told him that I'd be checking the computer usage history upfront? Not tell him the full details, the full extent of what I'd be looking at, but warn him upfront that I would be looking at history. Would that still be dishonest?

      In the past he's just deleted browsing history or used InPrivate so relying on the computer alone storing information isn't really realistic.

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      • howaminotmyself
        13 years ago

        No worries, I don't feel attacked.

        I think that it sounds a lot like going through someone's trash. And it has a lot to do with the intention behind the action. "Accidentally" stumbling upon information isn't wrong, nor is telling someone that you are going to be searching. But setting someone up to catch them in the act is a little like entrapment. If you don't have an issue with it then go ahead. But I don't think it will make you feel better.

        If you truly want to trust him, you can't expect him to fail. Have you sought counseling?

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          13 years ago

          I don't think I'm expecting him to fail, I honestly, truly, have no real feeling on whether he will or won't, I don't think I could be more neutral. By spying I don't think I'm doing it because I beleive he's going to do something, I just want to be aware of it from the get go and not be strung along for months like last time. I don't want to give him the right to waste my time again!!

          Thanks for the reply, btw!!

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      • dappled
        13 years ago

        If you tell him you are going to be checking up on the computer, and then do, I can't see that you've done anything wrong. Don't be surprised if he either uses another computer or uses software to eliminate his tracks, though.

        As someone who has been cheated on myself, I understand how horrible your situation is. I hope it resolves itself for the best. Whatever that "best" may be.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          13 years ago

          Thanks dappled. Fortunately we don't have another computer and he's not computer savvy either so the most he'd likely do to cover anything would be to use InPrivate browsing and or delete the browsing history. He wouldn't think I would use any formal monitoring programs so he wouldn't think to try to check for it or counter it. I don't think he'd have any clue how to anyway, honestly.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      13 years ago

      Something you said caught my attention-spying is dishonest. I'm not sure I agree. I mean, surely I'd agree if it was someone peeping on a woman undressing or something criminal but can you explain to me why recording my home PC activity is dishonest in your opinion? I'm not attacking you so please don't take the tone of my post wrong, I mean no ill towards you!! I'm just truly interested in your opinion!! Thanks!!

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  • 8Serene8
    13 years ago

    With someone like that, you shouldn't waste your time on. He won't change.

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  • DefinitelyNotNormal89
    13 years ago

    "If it happens again..." It WILL happen again, no way will a man like that stop!
    Fair enough if he chatted to a girl ONCE and he got carried away but phonecalls? Facebook? Planning to meet up? How many times does he have to make you look like an idiot before you walk out?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      13 years ago

      I know, I see what you are saying. But what else can I do? I can't just leave now, he hasn't done anything since the big blowout and I did forgive him so it's not like I can take that back. I want things to be fine and I hope sincerely that he DOESN'T do anything. The thing that makes me think it might be over and done is that this was the biggest, worst thing that he's ever done and we had a huge talk over it and I want to believe he won't do it again BUT at the same time, I was taken for a fool for so long like you said....well, I HAVE to give him a chance at least since I forgave him, so....But I WILL not be taken for a fool again, if it happens again, I will leave immediately.

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      • DefinitelyNotNormal89
        13 years ago

        Do you have kids with him? You don't have to take him back, and I can empathise with you but how could you forgive him for it? You can do sooooooooooooooooo much better than this guy, if he loved you he simply wouldn't have even thought about other women. You can change your mind, you don't owe him anything at all!

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          13 years ago

          Yes we have 2 kids and we've been married almost 8 years. Personally I wouldn't feel right taking back forgiving him. I feel like I have to give him the chance, and I kind of need to because if I didn't give him the chance then I'd really never know if he did change, I'd never stop wondering, you know?? Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT going to stand for any crap even for a moment. If I see something he's doing wrong, his things will be packed and ready before he gets home from work!! This is it!! One chance. I've just GOT to see if he does the right thing.

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  • rayst
    13 years ago

    +100 countryroads

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  • FearFigment
    13 years ago

    Sounds like a jackass

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  • AbsAreUs
    13 years ago

    It depends on HOW you first found out that he was cheating on you. If he confessed to you BEFORE you found out or were about to find out, then I would trust him enough to not use spyware. If he confessed to you AFTER you found out and confronted him about it, then I would use spyware and/or hire a private investigator like they do on the reality show Cheaters. If he cheats on you again, you may decide to get a divorce. If so, then having proof of his indiscretions will help you in court especially if there are kids and/or property involved. I hope that it does not go this far, but it does not hurt to be prepared. Either way, please let us know how things turn out so we can all learn from your experience. Good luck!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      13 years ago

      He didn't confess untill well after he was caught. One day a text came through on the cell and it was her #. He claimed he had no clue why she texted, that he hadn't talked to her in forever. I was fed up and I didn't believe him, so the next day I got detailed paper bills from my phone company and saw the hours upon hours of calls to her. I looked up old chats from his email account. He lied till the bitter end, untill he couldn't lie anymore. Then I said, look just be honest with me and tell me what had been going on and why. So he came clean and told me everything that was going on, and I had him call her right in front of me and tell her it was over.

      There had been another girl that he talked to before this one and she just wouldn't stop calling my house, I never did find out the full details of that one. All I actually saw was a couple chats and a bunch of naked pictures. But he actually got fed up with her calling all the time and he did yell at her a couple times actually to stop calling. But it's HIS fualt she was calling in the first place, so he can't really blame her.

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  • chaosdragoon1
    13 years ago

    I agree with countryroads.

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  • nanimeow
    13 years ago

    I think you need to see a couple's counselor, not spy on him and hope that some day you can trust him again. Just because he doesn't cheat on you in a six month period doesn't mean he won't after that period is over. Therefore, the spyware would be pointless. You both need you get your feelings out in the open and figure out why he did that and what you can both do to prevent it. Otherwise, why waste your time and maybe just get a divorce?

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