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My husband and I have been together for 22 years and I still worry and get nervous when we have sex. I always get these thoughts that he wants to hurt me, not please me. I feel horrible about it, but I don't know what to do.
I would say about the same thing as the first reply. If there has ever been a history of domestic violence then I would understand you being nervous. If not, has there been just enough aggressive attitude or actions from him to warrant you being nervous. Or on another direction, do you have anxiety or panic attacks ? If you have fears for no reason then yes, you might should talk to a professional to figure out what's getting at you. If there has been aggressive behavior or attitude then you best find out why he is being such as ass towards you, if that's the case. Before you were married, if maybe you were victim of sexual assault and the trauma still lies in the back of your mind. I am a guy, and I myself am a victim of sexual assault while I was active duty in the US Navy. 30 years ago and there are still days I could kill that son of a bitch. My point is I understand if there is a lazy trauma it can take ALONG time to work past it in your own mind. If nothing else maybe talk it out with your husband, express you feelings. And be honest with each other.
Thank you and yes I was sexually assaulted at the age of 14. I keep telling myself that it's been so long ago, surely I'm over it but maybe not.
I tried and almost succeeded, until the VA has me go talk with a local counselor. They asked standard questions to begin the process. As he started asking me, one of which was if I had ever been sexually assaulted while in the military. I just pretty much lost it and broke down in front of the counselor. So then afterwards it would rear it's head into my thoughts now and then enough to make me continue my battle with depression because of it. I would really suggest even this far in the situation for you to talk to somebody. A professional that can help you learn how to be able to live again. It sounds like you are still in survival mode from your attack. Your husband probably loves you as much as when he married you. Shouldn't he be able to make love to his wife without feeling like he's a predator. For your sanity, your husband's ability to hold you and you not freak out on him, and your marriage- if you have a family Dr. call for appt for a referral. If you don't have medical, see if your town or county has a mental health clinic. Above all DON'T BE ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED TO OPEN UP. I will bet you will feel so much better when you can learn to put those memories away and lock them up in your mind. You get touched by your husband and your mind flashes back to your assault. Be stronger and don't let that attack define who you are or who you are gonna be. If you know who your attacker was if you try to persue charges, maybe that will give you closure. If that's what you need. My situation - I don't know his name. We all just called him "Doc". I will never get justice and neither will Mary, the girl I worked with and any other victims he may have left struggling in his path of destruction. Please go find someone to talk to. Get it figured out. Don't you want to live again and maybe enjoy making love to your husband ? I bet he looks forward to it. Best of luck to you, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Has he ever intentionally hurt you? If the answer is no, then then that's also the answer to your question. Ask yourself why he would take 22 years to lure you into a false sense of security only to attempt to hurt you now?
If you are serious then you need to talk to a couples councillor or something. Bring it up in a setting with another person present who is qualified to handle it.