Is my medication effecting my sex life?

Guess you could call me a gay masochist and my boyfriend is a sadist. So our sex life is pretty fucked up but pleasurable.
I've been on anti-depressants for a month now, and the doctor told me it would take a month for them to finally kick in.

We tried going further with anal today and I've done it before but it was about a 2 weeks ago and I was a virgin 2 months ago. But I couldn't fit him in and having half his length in me was too much and caused me alot of pain. When usually in the past it gives me some pain but it's mixed with pleasure and that satisfies the masochist in me. Since he has a thick penis he doesn't have to use the whole thing to get me off quick.
Even rough foreplay doesnt feel good anymore either, using his fingers roughly makes me cry now in pain when it used to be tears of pleasure, even when he's not rough I'm not really getting off just feels kinda ticklish.
So I just faked an orgasm so he would stop and I didnt even hang out with him after because I was still hurting from it so I went straight home.
Now he thinks i'm mad at him for some reason, but I don't want to tell him the truth, he doesn't support me taking medication for my depression and anxiety even when I almost killed my self when I got off them. And I got off them because he told me I was more cold towards everyone including him. He thinks he could have prevented my attempt by me living with him, but I don't think that's happening so soon in our relationship.

I don't have the guts to seek professional help for this face to face, alot of careworkers and psychologist in the past judge me for it.

TLDR;
Sex just hurts now! Feels like his penis is going to rip me apart, and the foreplay is just painful. I just fake getting off now and me crying during sex is normal anyway so he doesn't worry when I do start crying.
Do you think it's my anti-depressants causing my lost in pleasure?