Is my husband gay

I don't think his fetishes are particularly linked with a specific sexuality. However, the "something lacking" you mention is probably the fulfillment he'd get from his fetishes.

Are you open to them? I mean, would you mind indulging him? And perhaps in return, he could do something for you. Dress up as a fireman, roleplay, whatever. Just something to give you both a bit of spark back.

P.S. I'd heard it can be very difficult for women to deal with their husbands cross-dressing. For many reasons. It might be worth you doing some reading up and learning about the psychology of it (did his mother die young, by the way?) and discussing it openly with him.

What looks like a negative thing to you now, might actually be an opportunity to bring your closer, both in the bedroom, and as friends/partners.

What? How is that fetish gay?

Strangely I could see me doing that to a female (ironically never have) But I personally find a guy dressed like this weird (normal for their fetish of course, but I think weird of them anyway)

Some like this, most don't. Nothing to do with 'gay'. Actually, placing the 'gay' part in is even more confusing to me about you! Why would you think a fetish is gay?
Gay means he likes other men sexually. No he doesn't? NOT gay!

It turns me off to see him in women's panties. I've tried to understand it and told him it was ok to wear them. I even bought some for him years ago because I knew he would appreciate it. But it is not masculine. And it really turns me off. The diapers really have me confused and turned off.

I can see your thought about dress up. He's even suggested I dress up like a cheerleader, or maid. I think that would be fun.

We are seeking counseling. And I'm going to do some serious research.

He was even open to the idea of me having boyfriends for a sexual outlet and him enjoying his fetishes and both of us living together like we have been.