Is my girlfriend normal?

7% Normal

Okay.. Quite a lot going on but I'll try to get everything in.

Firstly, I know I'm not perfect and I have wronged my partner on a few occasions but I need to know if she is going too far.

From the start things were alright. But after a while her parents started to tell her things like she should cheat/get a new boyfriend, that I'm a liar, I drugged her with LSD after she had a night terror. Absolutely none of this is true and as it turns out her parents tick 99% of the narcissistic personality disorder boxes, her and her siblings' childhoods are unfortunately indicative of this.

This is when she started accusing me of random things and checking my phone. She found a few texts between myself and a female friend which were entirely innocent and so she raged, and I found out at later date that she checked my phone, emails, Facebook chat history etc on a few occasions. Unfortunately she did find porn in my history (I never denied watching it) which led to an almost breakup and rage. I stopped watching porn that day so as to not upset her though she did check my history many times after this.

We've been together for over 3 years and she still cannot trust me. She thinks trust is built from analysing and interrogating my every word and action. She asks the same damn questions all of the time and never seems to accept my answers (as though there is always an ulterior motive). We argue, make up, things roll along normally for a while then I/we get too happy there's an argument and we repeat the cycle.

I work in a male dominated industry and when a female joined our team I was immediately asked about my relationship to her.

I have no privacy whatsoever. If my phone vibrates she asks what/who it is. I can't go to the toilet without her knocking or scratching on the door. She constantly asks what I'm thinking, what I think about things like morals, principles, any thought she or I have ever had. She analyses absolutely everything. It's so tiring.

When we argue, there's always a feeling the she is manipulating me but she assures me (hah!) that it isn'ther intention. We argue at least once per week.

She talks continuously and that's not an exaggeration. Can't remember the last time I could watch a movie completely or concentrate on anything without her babbling in my ear.

I've probably missed a lot out but I just can't be bothered with it anymore.

Is this normal? What would you do? Thanks

Voting Results

7% Normal

Based on 94 votes (7 yes)

Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!

[ Report Post ]

Comments ( 25 )

riffraffy

7 years ago

She's broken and beyond repair. Whether she's neurotic or a narcissist she's no good. The people you surround yourself with either help push you forward or plunge you back.

Drop her before you waste more precious time.

Comment Hidden ( show )

4

4
- FloobleFlabble
  
  7 years ago
  
  Thank you for your straightforward and sensible reply.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
  - DolphinAngel
    
    7 years ago
    
    He's right, though. Don't wait for or expect her to change. Her parents likely had a large influence on her behavior, but helping her should be left to a professional. She doesn't seem like a person capable of being in a committed relationship.
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    0
    
    0
Tealights

7 years ago

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship. End it and cut all contact.

Abusive women are such an unknown subject for men, because you guys are indirectly taught that women are crazy emotional and you just got to learn to work around it.

One of the examples are within my own friend group. Everyone notices it, but it's not talked about. There's a couple. The female friend has abusive tendencies, and her boyfriend (also friend) is miserable and going through the same things you've described. He loves her so much, and good at hiding his distress, but when it becomes too much, it boils over into a long rant like what you've wrote above. Maybe I'm too outspoken when it comes to abuse even in sensitive scenarios such as friednships, but when I pointed it out, my boyfriend and friend didn't want to see it that way. They refused. They blamed birth control or hormones, and agreed he just needs to talk to her more firmly, show her that he's a man who won't take her shit. Though we love this female friend dearly and she's cool to talk to, but it is what it is, sugarcoating it will just make it worse and drag things on.

Comment Hidden ( show )

2

2
- AbnormallyAwesome
  
  7 years ago
  
  Very well said.
  You hear it all the time: "Women are just crazy. They are so dramatic and emotional all the time." It makes us believe that's how ALL women are and there's nothing you can do about it. But there's plenty of normal women out there and a crazy girlfriend isn't just "being a woman" she's just being crazy. And if you put up with it you'll probably make it worse.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  2
  
  2
  - Tealights
    
    7 years ago
    
    Thanks. :)
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    1
    
    1
  - FloobleFlabble
    
    7 years ago
    
    Thank you for your comment. I completely agree with you and have never gone with stereotypes, so hopefully after gaining enough courage I can move on from this and find a relatively normal partner!
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    0
    
    0
- FloobleFlabble
  
  7 years ago
  
  Thank you for your comment. I have pondered the possibility of her being a psychologically abusive partner especially with her parents being extreme cases of NPD (I have witnessed enough examples of their abusive behaviour to be sure of this) but I had hoped that my partner's traits could be linked to codependency. I do however find it extremely strange that she only ever has 1, maybe 2 friends at any given time and is completely different in her character when in private with me and when in public.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
  - Tealights
    
    7 years ago
    
    No problem.
    
    Don't think too much on the origin of her behavior, because it will make you sympathic toward her instead of thinking about how badly she treats you. Plus, abuse can come from all sorts of backgrounds.
    
    When you have the time, read up on all forms of abuse; physical, emotional/psychological, and sexual. Most of the sites may be aimed toward women who have abusive male partners, but try to ignore that. Female abusers are just as capable of preforming everything on list, even rape.
    
    Lastly, don't take the words, "It takes two to tango," from another user so seriously. Abuse isn't that simple. It's complicated, and the only way anyone can know is from how the victim carries themselves, or from witnessing blatant display of any form of abuse while in public. You have zero privacy, and you're so worried that you'll delete messages from friends to avoid arguments that shouldn't even happen. You can't watch porn, which is something everyone in the world does to let off a little steam, women included. Lastly, relationships don't have regular fights, they have disagreements that are solved by talking it out and compromising; not with yelling and guilt-tripping.
    
    I understand the advice given to you by that user is aimed to help, but its indirectly blaming you for some of the abuse, when the abuse probably started long before.
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    0
    
    0
    - FloobleFlabble
      
      7 years ago
      
      Thanks again for your supportive words, Tealights. I find your balanced approach to this subject enlightening and extremely helpful.
      
      We had yet another fight yesterday, one which I narrowed down to her inability to respect my views and then placing a layer of suspicion upon my reasoning.
      
      I made it clear to her that we are over with no way of 'making things right' but today she's acting as though nothing ever happened, like we're still together. We live in an extremely rural location and so it's difficult to move her out (my house, my bills etc.). I'm sure I'd quickly move out if the circumstances were reversed.
      
      Anyway, I'm rambling on. Thank you again. I will give you an update if there are any significant changes.
      
      Take care
      
      Comment Hidden ( show )
      
      0
      
      0
      - Tealights
        
        7 years ago
        
        No problem. You take care too, and please be safe.
        
        Comment Hidden ( show )
        
        0
        
        0
  - Ellenna
    
    7 years ago
    
    Drop the focus on labels unless you're qualified to diagnose: the point is that her behaviour is indicative of some mental problem and is unacceptable.
    
    The other relevant issue is why have you put up with this for so long?
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    0
    
    0
Leonard_Hatred_

7 years ago

Its great to see "0% normal"

Comment Hidden ( show )

1

1
TrustMeImLying

7 years ago

I'm curious because you didnt mention it. What makes you stay with her in spite all that?

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- FloobleFlabble
  
  7 years ago
  
  I guess I hope that she will change. That we can work through our problems and have the fun, loving relationship we had at the start, though I'm starting to wonder if those were true feelings and not just effects of the 'honeymoon period'.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
  - TrustMeImLying
    
    7 years ago
    
    Ah, the honeymoon phases. Often makes me roll my eyes when I'm in them, to be honest. You're more optimistic and hopeful than me though. I normally very patient but there are some things I have zero patience for such as manipulation, narcissism, pretending etc. Hard to answer what I would do because I'm not in this situation, but I most definitely would have left her.
    
    I dont think the constantly talking and regular fights are red flags. Even the distrust is understandable but there are much better/civil ways to deal with those issues than what she chooses. Have you given her a reason to not be able to trust you this severely? You did say you wronged her in the past. Did her extreme behaviors start then?
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    -1
    
    -1
    - FloobleFlabble
      
      7 years ago
      
      Hi again. As posted above she did find pornography in my internet history. There has been one more instance where I was chatting to a female friend on Facebook but decided to delete the messages so as to not incur my girlfriend's wrath (again, the conversation was with a long-time female friend and completely innocent), but I had no idea my gf had my old phone which just so happened to power up and begin to notify of the conversation which was then read and the deletions noted. I know this was a ridiculously stupid move if trying to build trust but I'm not stupid enough to think phones magically power on after weeks of being off.
      
      Comment Hidden ( show )
      
      1
      
      1
      - TrustMeImLying
        
        7 years ago
        
        Well there you go. Its not about how innocent it was. Its that there was a breach of trust and some people can never bounce back from that. Or take ridiculously long.
        
        Ftr, I'm not taking her side. But I dislike executing just one person for a crime when it always takes two to tango. Anyway, like everyone said, breaking up is the only sensible decision here.
        
        Comment Hidden ( show )
        
        -1
        
        -1
lllAnonymous603

7 years ago

This relationship is emotional abuse this isn't healthy to be around I think for yourent own well being I would stop this relationship before anyone gets really hurt

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
Angel-Ray

7 years ago

You need to prove to her that you're trustworty and earn trust. You need to go an extra mile or two to show her and go to the best of your abilities. Her parents are partly the problem. If you can, talk to her about it and what would be even better is if you spoke to her parents. If she still doesn't trust you then If I were you I'd break up with her. Relationships don't last if your partner's parents don't like you. Never had, never will

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
ConnorT19

7 years ago

unfortunately kids take after their parents whether they know it or not. instead of just leaving, i would try to help her, it would be considerate to her and her potential future relationships. although it would be really tough to get her to listen and even start sorting out her security issues and their parents influence, i'm sure you'll find away to get through to her but make sure to explain that it can't carry on like this and why her issues are detrimental to you both and stay calm during the whole talk, let me know if this works and all the best in the future

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
Kookulainamus

7 years ago

She will never change. Toxic people eventually destroy you.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
CreamPuffs

7 years ago

Dump her. She's not worth it.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
RoseIsabella

7 years ago

Her parents messed her up pretty badly. They've been gaslighting her to undermine her trust in you and although it was only that one time the porn she found somehow validated the the distrust her parents have been trying to instill in her against you. I'd be willing to bet that her parents have been brainwashing her against numerous people in her life for most like her entire life. She probably won't get any better without professional help. I'd also be will to bet that not only are one or both of her parents narcissists but it's possible that one or both of them may even have borderline personality disorder. No offense, but I wouldn't be surprised if she had BPD. I bet her whole family system is probably about brainwashing, invalidation of her feelings and her parents trying to control her. No wonder she has trust issues.

I'm guessing she needs to get help and detach from her manipulative family.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
Dedicatedcockring

7 years ago

There clearly is some deep seated issues going on in her head. At this point, the best thing to do is leave and hope that she get's the help that she needs. What is going on is not okay. She shouldn't feel the need to know everything you do, and everyone you talk to, it's super controlling and not mentally healthy for the both of you.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0

Are You Normal?

Is my girlfriend normal?