Is it normal to wish death on your past-abusive christian grandmother?
My grandmother sexually agressed me when I was very young, from age 7 to about 11. I'm a 27 year old boy now. I say agressed because I don't know how to call it. It wasn't really physical, it was more phychological. I am eastern european and I had to spend summer hollydays at my grandmother's with my brother and cousin while our mothers had to work in other cities and of all the kids in the house I was the most attractive physically and facially. I don't remember much probably cuz I blacked it out but I remember growing up different and willing to interact sexually with my cousin and brother probably because I hated them for being the idolized ones.
She was intelligent but had a negative impule that needed discharging. I remember when I was 9 that she pestered me by wishing I'd marry very fat women (her being rather fat) in front of my mom who told her to stop scaring me and she insisted while smirking and flirting at me and then laughing at my confused innocent child-face.
I trully wished I'd remember more. She had a thing for punishment when we did wrong but I don't remember all the physical punishment.
Later when I was about 11 and she was supposed to babysit me, I was supposed to go take a walk in the park and while she was sitting on the sofa, and I on the floor she told me "Be careful on the streets because there are some bad boys who might catch you, beat you and even suck your dick!" - and I was left speechless and I think I smiled forcefully while she kept a straight face. I only tried to tell my brother this 4 years later, who took it as a joke and my mother didn't believe it.
Luckly at 12 I immigrated to western Europe and I think that saved me future worse phychological problems, but now at 27 I returned. And I think I was drawn by some kind of revenge or maybe to find a pair that matches my psyche...I don't know how to explain this part but there might be someone who surely was abused in this part of the world who could match with my psyche.
I lived with her 4 months before moving on my own and now she calls me too often inviting me to lunch being over friendly, acting like she's gonna die in 2 years and even inviting me to marry before she dies, but she looks healthy, could live another 10 years. I can't stand her behaviour, I won't forgive her just like that, and I fantasize about making a statement at her funeral and tell all my family about all this. She purposely uses her bad memory excuse (even for inapropriate things she said while I lived with her) and a Christian faith excuse to regain my friendship.
I can understand her espetially if she herself could've been a victim but I do not forgive her. I think she should drop the act and apologize to the whole family as my relationships are really bad with most of the relatives and I think that is only relative.
I feel proud for having managed to solve some of the problems associated with this burden I was dropped on my back as a kid, but I cannot just live with it while she lives in denial. Yes I've hurt people even though I loved them. I've done bad things to living things and I'm 100% sure she is the reason behind it. There were times when I blamed other people that I loved, and who loved me but now I know what is up. And I think she does too. I think she tries to tell me to turn to Christianity and forgive, and forget. Isn't that a bit absurd? She deserves to die!