Is it normal to want to tell potential lovers about relevant issues?

89% Normal
15 Comments

I haven't had actual sex, only phone sex, since I was raped 5 years ago. I want to be sexual again with someone but I have no idea whether having been raped will affect how I respond sexually and I don't know whether I should mention this beforehand.

I'm open to sex with both men and women but there are no women on the horizon, only a couple of blokes I'm interested in and which seem to be interested in me, one more than the other.

I've had two men pull out of relationships becoming sexual, one because he said I had "too many issues" and the other because he heard from someone else that I was a "rape victim" - I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor. I'm sexually active with myself, by the way.

If I do tell someone about my concerns I run the risk of sex not happening, but if I don't I run the risk of it possibly becoming messy.

Constructive feedback, please!

Voting Results
89% Normal
Based on 19 votes (17 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • RoseIsabella
    8 years ago

    I think you're right on about wanting to be honest about your past trauma. I also believe that if someone is turned off or afraid, because of your status as a rape survivor/victim he's not worth your time. I've heard it said that rejection is protection from God. The first time I heard someone say this to me I thought is was so corny and stupid, but now after about three years I figure I can't change another person or make anyone understand things from my point of view. Although it hurts I find that if things aren't going where I want them to it's better to not pursue a relationship that will probably lead to codependency on my part, and frustration, because of a lack of basic compatibility.

    It's not an easy road, and I do get disenchanted, but I find honesty to be the best policy rather than if I pretend to not have my issues only to be disappointed and heartbroken even more so later on down the road.

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    • Ellenna
      8 years ago

      Thanks but I totally do not get the rejection/projection by god stuff, but then the very word god turns me off considering there is no such thing.

      What on earth do you mean?

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      • RoseIsabella
        8 years ago

        I mean that if someone can't accept you just the way you are then there's no sense in wasting your time with that person. In essence I feel that when someone rejects me for whatever reason they're doing me a favor, because if they were codependent and lonely enough to waste my time pretending everything was fine it would be so much worse later on down the line. Sure, I get lonely sometimes, but I prefer solitude to being with someone who isn't being sincere, because they're just looking to fill the void.

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        • Ellenna
          8 years ago

          That all makes perfect sense and I know you've expressed similar sentiments on here at least one other time ... I agree. I spoke on the phone with one of the two potential lovers (and the most likely one) this morning and didn't realise I had in fact mentioned a while ago that I'd been raped. He seems sensitive about it, so here's hoping, but I reckon I need to get to know him a bit more before anything sexual happens. It's pretty hot over the phone but more face to face dialogue will give me more clarification, especially your point about how needy the other person may be.

          Thanks RoseIsabella! And I feel the same, I too am lonely sometimes but not prepared to get into anything too quickly.

          xxxx

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  • Darkoil
    8 years ago

    I can't believe a guy broke up with you because you have been raped, that's pathetic.

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  • halcyon1
    8 years ago

    I think you should be candid with the guy you want to be in a casual relationship with. He should accept you regardless of the issues. If not, he's too shallow to be friends with regardless of any kind of relationship you may want to pursue. Also it would help relieve you remove any guilt that you may have and help calm your mind. That would make for a more comfortable sexual experience.

    Your partner also needs to be patient. The sexual satisfaction may not occur during the first encounter or the second, so he must be willing to keep trying. Maybe start slow with kissing. Next time could be foreplay and so on. He must care about your pleasure. You do not want to date a guy who is selfish and is done after his pleasure. Since you are able to pleasure yourself, you could help your partner with what turns you on and lead with that. Be open-minded to try things that would help you enjoy.

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    • Ellenna
      8 years ago

      I don't have any guilt, why would I?

      Apart from that, thanks for thoughtful response. My first instinct is always to be honest, it's less complicated, I'm no good at dishonesty anyway and that's almost certainly what I would do. The difficulty is that it may not be an issue, I may respond as I would want to in spite of the last sex I had being rape.

      I don't think either of the 2 possible lovers are shallow, or I wouldn't be interested in them, but I guess time will tell

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      • halcyon1
        8 years ago

        By guilt, I meant not discussing with your partner beforehand and then having that nagging feeling that if he finds out later, then it could be a deal breaker. That feeling also might act as an inhibitor and prevent you from enjoying the moment.

        Guys can be weird, lol. Hopefully either one of them works out. Remember to enjoy the moment, enjoy each other :)

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        • Ellenna
          8 years ago

          Thanks for the clarification: guilt isn't a good term to use around a rape victim/survivor because most of us have had to battle with it at some stage: as in why did I ever let him in the house, let alone have a 4 week fling with him before he raped me? I guess that's just normal regret though, not really guilt: he's the guilty one, plus the woman I thought was a friend who referred me to him even though she knew his history and the succession of cops who've let him get away with this sort of behaviour for 40, yes that's FORTY years .... and who still don't charge him with breaching my intervention order against him.

          The whole thing about the possible potential lovers isn't really a huge issue although I felt it was when I posted my question: I have a very busy and full life with without being in a relationship BUT I do have a desire to not die knowing the last sex i had was rape .... and I want it to be in a healthy relationship

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          • halcyon1
            8 years ago

            I apologize for using the word incorrectly. Didn't mean it that way. Trust me you would end up in a good relationship soon. When things go intimate just relax, go with the flow and enjoy the moment.

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            • Ellenna
              8 years ago

              Thanks!

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  • Short4Words
    8 years ago

    Are you looking for a relationship or just sex?

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    • Ellenna
      8 years ago

      A relationship but not with a capital R! A fun friendship with sex would do: even better with interests in common and a not too different outlook on life. I'm not looking for a marriage/living together happpily ever after situation.

      Why do you ask? Are you offering?

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      • Redcoats
        8 years ago

        Hacked?

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        • Ellenna
          8 years ago

          ????

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