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when i was a little kid about 5 or 6 my cousin and i did stuff together. She was like 8 or 9 and we touched eachother and played a game that involved sexaully touching eachother and for me i liked it and to this day i have been wanting and hoping she will do that again but it hasn't happened shes has now graduated highschool and im in grade 9.
me and my cousins did things like that when we were little only we were all girls but we just didnt know any better. we were only like 5 or 6. And then our parents caught us and we never did anything again cause then we knew it was wrong. kids are curious, they just are and stuff like this happens. So i'd say half of what you say is normal. But ive always been embarresed about it and to think about me and my cousins doing stuff now is just sick lol i dont know how to help you with still wanting to or whatever
similar happened to me then later she caught me masterbating and now threatens to tell people but still tells me she wants to watch me but I don't want anyone to know what we used to do
I think it's time to give up and resign these thoughts to the back of your mind. Don't overthink it and get obsessed.
U prob feel like she was your first luv or something but u must move on..