Is it normal to want to go back to him?

Period point blank. He made me crazy. I love this guy so much... I gave up so much of who I was just for him. We've been going back and forward for four years now. Since the first day I saw him I wanted him and he wanted me. It was pure lust because basically he was sexy to me and I had been so used to dating older guys online so this was all new to me. So pretty much I cheated with him and took a stand back and left. When I left he moved on and on and on. But every time he came back and told me he wanted me and one day we finally decided to do the right thing and try dating serious and without the drama added to it. He took care of me. He did everything I said, majority of things I wish I never asked him to do. So this whole dating period it was just me telling him to do this and that and I never just took a deep breath and say I'll do it myself. I was so dependent on him and he depended on me as well. it was so bad that I quit my job, failed my classes(always been an A student), and was just really depressed... and after going through all of that I came to him looking for some type of support but instead he bogged me down with his problems... I couldn't go back to school because they wanted me to get examined by a therapist at the mental hospital. so now after going through all of that... I feel guilty for hurting him... and I'm crying because I broke up with him, and now I'm worried sick that he might hurt himself but at the same time I'm scared that he might hurt me... but I really just don't know.... does he love me I don't know.... I want to go back to him cause I just.... I miss him so much but the drama.... the pain.... I need him.... but I hate him.... I just want our lives to go back to normal ... am I crazy for wanting him back?