Is it normal to want to be with someone who may not 'remember'

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8 Comments

Long story short. A guy i was seeing who was also my x bf at the time had a car accident and now is in rehab from a brain injury. He is fine besides from getting confused every now and then and his short term memory still needs some help. Besides all of this i love him. Always have and always will. I have been visiting him at least twice a week and we have been seeing eachother. He has told me he loves me and he knows i love him and this has been going on for 3months. Thing is his family don't know that we want to be with eachother and wont let me take him out of the rehab centre. I can only see him when he is with one of his parents. I dont know if im doing the right thing, if him n i got back together i dont want his friends and family to think i have been taking advantage of him, its driving me crazy not being able to take him out and not being able to be alone with him. What should i do?

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64% Normal
Based on 36 votes (23 yes)
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Comments ( 8 )
  • Frosties
    12 years ago

    Every so often there's a question on IIN that is incredibly difficult to answer. I think this is the kind of thing the site was made for. Yours is one of those types of questions.

    The potential ethical dilemma revolves around whether you two would have got back together had he not had the accident. If he wouldn't have wanted to, it's easy for people to assume you have used his accident as a way to manipulate him into a potential relationship.

    However, I think that's doing him a disservice. It's implying he doesn't know his own mind. Yes, he's had an accident and yes, he's suffered memory loss. But the person he has become has told you he loves you. It's who he is now that counts.

    The only thing I would say is for you to be careful that you're not suffering the Florence Nightingale effect. From what you say, it sounds like you want him to start living his life and for you two to begin building (or rebuilding) a relationship. You seem very genuine about that so my gut feeling is that you are doing the right thing.

    I hope it works out for you and I hope his family realise that he needs to start being given greater levels of autonomy.

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    • sonicesq
      12 years ago

      I think the above does a great job answering this. (Kudos)

      I would like to add that yes, if you are there for him in a time of need and care for him he may fall in love with u in a legitamate way, because of who you are, what you've done for him and what you've experienced together. If you do all these things for the right reasons because u care about him (despite relationship status) and would do it either way. If a relationship develops out of this his friends and family will come around.

      However, if your doing it with the the primary intention of getting him back then that is wrong for a different reason. That kind of menipulation should always be frowed upon. This is probably what the family is afraid of.just show them your a good person and that's notwhat your doing give it time this is hard for them despite the confusing complexities of your delema.

      Be upfront and honest with him about everything let him make his own decision. Speaking from experience honesty and communication can never be over valued.

      Good luck to you and prayers for recovery to your beloved.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    Wow I just want top hug you! Good luck & I hope everything works out just be patient (: x

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  • 1000yrVampireKing
    11 years ago

    It is normal you want to be with him.

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  • confusedP
    12 years ago

    Thanks again for all your advice! and either way i would be there for him even if we were just as friends.. as i would do for anyone else in his position. In the end im just glad he is alive and ok

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  • confusedP
    12 years ago

    Wow thankyou, this has helped alot! its so nice hearing an honest opinion from someone who understands! The hard thing is i dont know if he would have wanted to get back together if the accident didn't happen but i probably wouldnt have gotten back with him if the accident didn't happen. He has changed for the better. I have spoken to him about my feelings n his feelings n we have been seeing each other for about two months now (just from going to the rehab centre)taking things slow of course. I normally would say that i dont care about what people think of being wanting to be with him, but in this case it really does matter because its upto his mum to say whether i can hang out with him out of the rehab center. But thanks again for your advice. Means alot!

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    • Frosties
      12 years ago

      You come across as very sincere. If you're patient with his mum and explain it to her how you explained it to us, I think you'll get there in the end. You might have a rocky road convincing her, but you really do come across as having the right attitude. You're not throwing tantrums or name-calling or causing trouble or being immature or trying to make things difficult. If I was one of his parents, I'd just be thankful he had someone like you in his life.

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  • JustinBiebsFan#1
    12 years ago

    sleep with his dad

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