Is it normal to wait for him to decide?

21% Normal
19 Comments

Okay.

So after years of being interested in a friend of mine, and having a sort of "on again, off again" thing, we've finally started seeing each other. The only problem is that he's still sort of interested in another girl.

We aren't official, but it's been two months and there really hasn't been a day now that I haven't seen him or been around him. I'm all but living with him.

The other girl has given him until christmas/new year's before she decides whether she wants to be with him, and he's said that until then he's not going to say that we're officially together because he doesn't know what will happen when new year's arrives.

I've been friends with him for almost ten years and, in a way, have always wanted to be with him, but I don't know that he will still want to be with me should the other girl decide she wants him.

I feel like it's really unfair to me that he won't just man up and say what he wants, but I also feel it's unfair to him if I force him to do that. I'm just not sure I can wait it out much longer without breaking down over it.

So my question is: do I stick around and wait to see if he will stay with me; do I leave and see whether he'll want me at all; or do I find someone else?

Voting Results
21% Normal
Based on 38 votes (8 yes)
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Comments ( 19 )
  • (s)aint
    10 years ago

    He uses you as his fucking backup!

    Do you really want to be someone's second choice?

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    First, I would need more information to give intelligent advice. When you say off and on again, were you lovers or platonic? Have you two actually discussed a serious, full time relationship, or is this all one sided, no offense meant?
    A ten year relationship of any kind is pretty good for most people and you should know each other very well by now. Have you considered that should if the new relationship fails that you might lose a really good friend?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      We've been together before briefly and platonic as well for years, there's always been lysomething between us like that though. We are currently seeing each other, so it's not one-sided, basically we are actually together in all but title, if you know what I mean. We have, multiple times before this situation, discussed being together seriously.

      As I said, that's basically what we've been doing already. Losing the friendship was why I stopped it the first time, I'm not afraid of that happening now though. We've been through way too much together for it to happen, although I know I wouldn't be able to be around him for a while should this end badly.

      A potential problem could be that I've been the "go-to girl" for relationship advice for him, so I know exactly what I'm settng myself up for. Mabe it's just wishful thinking that things will turn out okay.

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  • BlueJeansWhiteShirt
    10 years ago

    Do you have 'doormat' written right across your forehead?
    So, he cannot be with you officially until another girl decides how she feels about him?
    Even if it turns out this other girl doesn't want him and he comes to you, you are STILL second choice.
    Go and find a man who puts you first.

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      Brummie or pikey or hybrid?

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    • spare_me
      10 years ago

      I'm kinda hoping that that isn't actually the case... However should it be that that's permanently plastered on my forehead I could prospectively have a great career path as a public servant.

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  • Maybeoneday
    10 years ago

    Don't stick around, I made the same mistake.. If the other girl decides she doesn't want to be with him, then it's like you're his second choice. He's basically using you until he can be with the girl he really wants to be with and it's not fair.
    You may really want to be with him but you deserve better, you're no ones second choice, you should be someones first!
    Best of luck!

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  • Shroot
    10 years ago

    You sound like you're his second choice.

    I think its best you see someone else.

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  • AbnormallyAwesome
    10 years ago

    It's not unfair of you. You should tell him to decide. If he doesen't tell the other girl he's not interessted he's basically saying you're the second choice.

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  • ifonlyuknew247
    10 years ago

    What a terrible situation for an agape friend to be dealing with a longtime, dear friend acting selfish & immature & probably is too self-involved to even realize what a jerk he's being to you. Long story short, he doesn't deserve this level of sacrifice from you. Imagine you weren't involved, and he was telling you about this situation as something he's going through with these 2 girls he's trying to decide between. Knowing him & being able to empathize with the girl who is his longtime friend with sometimes benefits, think about what you would say to him. Now, why don't you deserve respect from him? He should have much more for you, but because you've been allowing this behavior toward you with no repercussions he may just be accustomed to taking you for granted. The only reason it's even a question now is because the other girl have him an ultimatum. He needs to know what it's like to not have you there to fall back on. You need to love yourself enough to not tolerate that treatment toward you by anyone, ever, and then you should experience what it's like to be cherished and appreciated by someone who puts you first, which is what you always deserve. Never accept anything less. Best of luck to you.

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  • lilmich
    10 years ago

    He wants to be with the other girl, you would be second choice. Don't bother with him. You're only degrading yourself.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    I have decided.

    A storm's a comin'

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  • noid
    10 years ago

    Shes not very into him if it's taking her that long to decide! Why doesn't he see this?

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  • TwoThumbs
    10 years ago

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Why would...urg...End that ish now if you have any interest in being this guy's friend. He is not the one for you. Think about this. Do you want to be with someone who has known you for 10 years...knows you have feelings for him and is "debating" on whether you are good enough? If he's thinking about someone else he will be thinking about what he's missed once he's made his mind.

    A good friend wouldn't do this. It's a crappy thing to do. He should have just let you down easy and said he sees you as a friend instead of waiting to hear from another girl first.

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  • Sog
    10 years ago

    You are absolutely right. What he's doing to you isn't fair at all.

    You need to give him an ultimatum - either you or this other girl. And he needs to choose now or never.

    And you know, maybe it's not even worth it. If he's willing to put you in second place like this while he holds out hope for someone else, what to say that he isn't going to drop you when the next best thing comes along? This relationship is really doomed from the start.

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  • youareaghost
    10 years ago

    Wow. You have issues you need to deal with. I suggest you contact a therapist and explain this problem to them. Forget this guy. He is a waste of time. He will never love you. Period. You don't even think you deserve to be loved by a shit like him.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    its your love to have fun with , choose

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  • Terence_the_viking
    10 years ago

    That's one foooooocard upped triangle of loooves.

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  • RoseIsabella
    10 years ago

    I bet he's loving all of this attention and ego stroking!

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