Is it normal to think she might still have strong feelings for me?

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17 Comments

So years ago this girl and I dated, and it never got very serious; but she said she felt it was getting too serious, and we broke up. She said she didn't want to be with anyone, and I know she had stuff she was going through. A lot of other things were going on with me, and it was just one more slice of suck in the suck-sandwich I had to deal with then.

Anyway, she said she wanted to be friends. I wasn't sure I wanted to be, especially since I got the feeling she wasn't being honest with me about what she felt or wanted, and even after we broke up she sometimes gave me the impression she wanted to get back together. Stuff she would say or do, and the fact that she seemed jealous when I hung out with girls she didn't know. I felt like she could have just been wanting ME to want HER, and anyway I felt strung along and manipulated, so eventually I said I didn't want to see her again. She started dating a guy soon afterwards.

Eventually, I moved away. Later, I found out she got married and had a kid, very soon after we broke up. (Which puzzled me, as you can imagine.) I figured she just didn't know what she wanted when we were dating, and since I had long ago gotten over her, I didn't really give it much thought, except that it was funny.

A while ago, she added me as a friend on Facebook (I didn't accept) and sent me a message apologizing for her actions and saying she regretted freaking out. It confused me, especially the part about regret. I mean, she's married and presumably happy now, right? What does she have to regret?

I sent her a message back saying she was completely forgiven and I wished her all the best, but she kept sending me messages and inviting me to things. And we have some mutual friends, of course, and at times I get the feeling she's FB stalking me, and trying to get me to think about her. Sometimes it seems spiteful. It makes me uncomfortable, and I feel guilty for some reason, and bad for her husband, and for her. I feel like I've hurt her by refusing to get back in touch, but she's honestly been wierding me out. It seems like she's still hung up on me, on some level, deep down.

I'm a very private person in general, and this makes me uneasy. Also, that I know she's talked about me with our mutual friends.

Ladies, is this at all normal behavior? And am I crazy for letting it get to me like this? I mean, it's been a while, and I obviously still worry about it at times.

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48% Normal
Based on 40 votes (19 yes)
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Comments ( 17 )
  • fullhouse
    11 years ago

    I am a guy and I think she feels guilty and wants to make up for it.. You assume too much I guess since you don't even want to ask her in person. Deep inside, may be you want her to want you :-P

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Maybe I do, in that it's flattering and ego-boosting. I've done nothing to encourage it, however. I haven't spoken with her face to face in years, and the only things I've said to her is that she's totally forgiven for everything and doesn't need to worry, and that she made me uncomfortable by continuing to contact me and invite me to things. I would ask her in person, but that seems accusatory, and anyway her behavior weirded me out and I don't think it's a wise move to talk to her anymore.

      I'm not really sure if I do want her to want me still, though; and if I do, it's in a sort of unconscious way. I don't WANT to want her to want me (if that makes sense). Anyways, I'm not strictly denying your suggestion, because I know I'm human just like everyone else, and I have my faults of pride and selfishness and irrationality.

      Anyway, I know the girl, and this sort of thing makes sense for her.

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  • ccjigsaw
    11 years ago

    I'm reading this and thinking that she's over you and you're reading to much into it. She seems to feel guilty about the past and wants to apologize presumably because she thought it hurt you more than it did. But neither of us actually know unless you flat out ask her if she's contacting you cause she's still into you.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      I have no interest in asking her, and it's really only bugging me because I have an overactive sense of guilt which messes with me irrationally. Also, her behavior has just been. . . weird.

      I don't think it's just that she wants to apologize, because she did that the first time she contacted me. And I accepted and told her everything was forgiven and there were no hard feelings and I hoped she was doing well, and all that. And she contacted me again. And again. And I haven't responded, except to tell her it made me uncomfortable.

      There's some other stuff, too, but it's a bit complicated and bizarre. Haha.

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago

        I honestly think she just feels somewhat lonely and somewhat out of "touch" with her husband and she is just using you as a surrogate so to speak.

        She probably has no inclination of leaving her husband or divorcing him for you, she just wants a sort of "emotional fling" with you. And she feels she can get that with you because of the past you had shared.

        She most likely is just playing games and seeking attention to offset her own internal issues. For your own benefit I would just ignore her and not respond to messages or other attempts she may make to contact you. Women like this know exactly the game they are playing when they behave in this way.

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      • ccjigsaw
        11 years ago

        What Dj said. I totally agree with him. It could be either way, but Dj's probably got it. You did the right thing in blocking her. I block drama starters all the time. I know people who DON'T block these people and all you ever hear them say is how much they hate fb drama. I wouldn't feel guilty about it, you have your own life and not giving in to her lame attempt makes you seem very mature. Go get an awesome girlfriend and make her jelouse ;P lol

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago

          Hahaha. Thanks. I've already got an awesome lady. I'm not particularly interested in rubbing my ex's face in that, though, since I'm not particularly interested in having her in my life or anything close to that. :)

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    11 years ago

    Thanks. I have told her, and have since blocked her on FB so she can neither contact me nor see me posts.

    You're probably right. It's just weird to be the person she's fixated on, then, if her marriage isn't working out. I don't want none o' that. LOL.

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    • kelili
      11 years ago

      I think that you did the right thing. There's no point in staying in touch with an ex who is now married and has a kid. This only attracts problems

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    I'm afraid to ask who this might be because I don't want to know. There are too many creepy things going on on the internet right now.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Hahaha do you think you might know me?

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    Hi, I saw this story last week but was too busy to respond even though I wanted to.

    Your story was of particular interest to me because I've had some similar experiences both at both ends. The other members' comments are interesting and I'm glad I got to read them as well.

    I suppose I can see why you would think that she still has feelings for you. In fact, I think it is normal that she would as most people tend to have 'feelings' for old flames.

    But I do think you are reading into it far too much and are making far to many negative assumptions about her. Perhaps that is a defence mechanism you're using to help keep your ego intact since you want to avoid feelings for her. Maybe not, but that's how your story and comments came across to me.

    Like I said before, I've been in similar situations when I've been in your shoes and when I've been in hers. Either way, my reaction was very different from yours. When I was on the receiving end of the apologizes and attempts to reconnect, I was more focused on the positivity of their attempt to do so and not so much on questioning them or assuming they have intentions for more than friendship. Even if they did, I would have felt secure enough to resist those sort of inclinations *if* they arose.

    When it was myself doing the apologizing to a past love whom I wanted to be friends with, my intentions were only to be a friend and nothing more. I would have been mortified if they had taken it any other way. It is part of my nature to want to make things right and to bring harmony to all relationships that meant something to me, but then again, most people who know me well also know that I am very much like this.

    I'm not saying you should be friends with her if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but I do think you are jumping to a lot of conclusions that may not be realistic. I think she's probably trying to be nice and make amends with you, and perhaps she interprets your resistance as something other than forgiveness even though you have told her she is forgiven. If you really did feel like it was all water under the bridge on your end, you would not feel intimidated by her attempts to reconnect.

    Take my comment with a grain of salt though because I do tend to be a lot more sappy and optimistic about these sorts of things than the average person. I like being this way though. :)

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      But it's not intimidation. I don't know what gave you that idea. What I find odd is that you think I'm reading too much into her actions (which, I admit, I might be--if I wasn't prepared to hear that, I wouldn't have come here to ask about it), but you feel perfectly comfortable reading into MY reactions. I've reiterated to her several times that she's forgiven. I don't see why she would not believe that, even if I didn't particularly want to reconnect or be friends. Forgiving someone is not the same thing as wanting to actively have this person be a part of your life, nor wanting to be friends with them.

      I don't really know why you assume I still have feelings for her, either. Maybe that makes it seem more "fair" to you or something. I mean, I don't really feel I have to defend myself on this point, though. If I feel she might still have some romantic feelings for me harbored inside her, I think that's reason enough to avoid her when she's married. I don't need to worry about, "Oh, what if I succumb?" or anything. You seem to imply that I am NOT secure enough to not sleep with her if she came at me, and even though you say to take your comments with a "gran of salt" they seem massively arrogant, not to mention insulting. You basically said I'm a weak-willed potential adulterer and you know NOTHING about me.

      I'm totally willing to entertain the idea that I'm misinterpretting her advances. That's why I asked you guys about it. (And most of your comments have been realy helpful!! Thanks!) I don't want to accuse this girl at all, even in my own heart. (And not wanting to accuse her is one of the reasons I didn't flatly ask her about it. Not to mention I wouldn't know what to do if she said she still loved me or whatever. I've never been in such a situation before. Obviously, I'd reject her.) But, like I said before, I do know this girl, and it would totally make sense. It's the kind of thing she'd allow to happen to herself. I'm probably just the guy it got focused on, as other people have said.

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago

        I am really sorry I have insulted you. I'm glad you told me how you felt about it or I would never have known that it bothered you.

        Oh my, I never said you are a "weak-willed potential adulterer" - I am truly sorry you got that impression. I do believe you that you feel secure enough not to sleep with her if she came at you. My comment had nothing to do with any sexual advances, only about residual romantic *feelings*.

        And I really don't know for sure if you are misinterpreting her actions or not. From your story and responses, it does come off that way. As for your forgiveness of her, I never meant that you must strike up a friendship with her or any sort of relationship for that matter. What I did mean is that it is a *possibility* that she might not feel as though you have truly forgiven her even though you have told her so.

        My hope, as it was earlier and now, is that you are open to the possibility that there are alternative explanations for her behaviour other than the ones you have described in your story and responses. That is why I shared my own experiences with you, as a sort of comparisson. And again, I am sorry that I have offended you.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago

          Can I ask WHY does it "come off that way" that I'm misinterpretting her actions? Is it just because you see her in yourself, and it would have been misinterpretting your actions in that case? (Just for clarification, are you male or female?)

          You see, I'm not even asking if she's still into me: I'm asking if it's weird that I think she might be. I'm asking if my reaction to her behavior and words is abnormal or problematic, or if it seems at least somewhat justified. That was the point of this question. Of course, no one can answer the question of whether or not she's still into me but her, and I don't intend to ask.

          And, I dunno: Looking at it rationally, I'm not responsible for her feelings, am I? I mean, if she doesn't feel forgiven when I've explicitly told her she is several times. If she doesn't feel forgiven, isn't that her deal? And shouldn't she just have accepted what I told her instead of trying again and again to reconnect with me?

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          • [Old Memory]
            11 years ago

            There were a few things that hinted to me that you could be misinterpreting her actions and she might not be as into you as you believe. I really hope that none of it is offensive to you. I do appreciate this discussion we are having about it. :)

            The first one was that she broke it off with you. A lot of people tend to harbour some feelings for old lovers despite not actually wanting to be in a relationship with them; so she very well may have been displaying some, but it doesn't necessarily mean she wanted you back.

            Second, she married someone else. Yes some people do marry people for the wrong reasons, but typically marriage is not something one does just to get over an old boyfriend, so I find it doubtful that it was her reason. This is even further compounded by the fact that she had a baby with him which tends to enhance the bond between husband and wife.

            Third, was your interpretation of her apology and attempt to reconnect on Facebook. I really do not think there is a link between the happiness of her marriage and wanting to express any regret she may have had over treating you poorly.

            My fourth reason is your reaction to her attempts to be friendly on Facebook after you told her she was forgiven. I have a feeling she was doing that to make herself feel better--to minimize her guilt about hurting you in the past. You told her that you forgave her but ignored her repeated attempts to communicate with you. Ignoring someone sends a powerful message of: I don't like you. Perhaps this message of avoidance made her feel that she had not done enough to mend things with you.

            And finally, you mention that her interest in you made you feel uncomfortable because you are a private person and that you said that it is getting to you. That told me that your perception is already flavoured with suspicion, so it could mean that you are not being very objective about this and your interpretations of her behaviour might be unfavourably biased.

            I am female. I do see part of myself in her but also in you as well, as I have experienced both sides of the situation. Also, I have the opinions I do because I have had a couple of people from my childhood reconnect with me through Facebook to apologize for bullying me. Even after I reassured them that I forgave them for it, they all continued to take an active interest in me for a few months before they went about their business and left me alone. I think it made them feel better to know that in spite of everything that had happened, things were cool between us and that their apology and that my forgiveness wasn't just lip-service.

            I guess I do see your reaction as slightly problematic, in the sense that it doesn't seem to have a positive end result for any of the parties involved, but I don't believe it is wrong either. I think it's about a personal preference and yours is to leave it and forget it. My own preference is to communicate and work things out (I am very sentimental). Is it normal you've made the conclusions about her that you have? I think so, you obviously know your situation more than I do. You asked if you are responsible for her reactions and I do believe you are to a very small extent. Of course you don't have to do anything about it and that is completely your own prerogative.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              11 years ago

              Well, I guess I just flat disagree--about a lot of things. Certainly, that I'm responsible for her feelings. I'm not, in any way, shape, or form. If I just refused to TELL her she was forgiven, maybe. But after I did, she should have left me alone. The very fact that you admitted to being sentimental makes me question the logic with which you worked this out. Because sentiment isn't logic, plain and simple.

              And my reaction has gotten me a positive outcome: peace of mind. I don't really see not having her in my life as a negative thing. She knows me well enough to know I don't lie, even to make others feel better. If I hadn't forgiven her, I would have told her so, or ignored her to let her stew in her own regret and guilt. I'm not that kinda person, though, and I made sure to emphasize that she was forgiven, in case she had any doubts because of my complete lack of interest in having her in my life again. If she is so insecure as to not be able to believe in my forgiveness, that probably means she needs to work on forgiving herself, more than I need to work on making her feel forgiven.

              I guess, as to some other things, I might as well bite the bullet and give out some information and stuff I worked through, to maybe help connect the dots a bit? See, even though she ended things with me, I'm 99% sure that the reason is not because "we were getting too serious" (we weren't; such a suggestion is laughable, trust me) but because her feelings for me were getting very serious, and she freaked out about it. (She todl a friend I was the first guy she ever loved.) So she broke things off, but sorta wanted to keep me on a leash and tug me back: she was playing games, but they backfired, because I hate that stuff, and eventually, I'd had enough, even though I really liked her at the time. If you knew the back and forth, now yes now no junk she put me through "after" our break up (which, of course, took forever to solidify)... Every female friend I asked about it afterwards said, "Dude, she wanted to get back together with you!" But after a while, I'd had enough of the games, and said I didn't want to see her again. So I also sorta ended it.

              Anyway, she married the next guy she dated, and in a hurry. In such a hurry that it shocked everyone who knew her, especially because she'd always said she wanted to wait till after college; and they had a kid so soon after they got married that it's at least possible they got married because she got pregnant. Now, it's also possible that she met the love of her life and completely changed her mind. Definitely. But people have said that after I finally broke things off with her she did such a complete 180 on so many things that it shocked those who knew her.

              A lot of this stuff, I found out years after the fact. Still, I'm glad I didn't end up with her, and I'm ecstatic I'm with the girl I'm with now, and can't imagine life without her.

              Maybe it's just that I was her "first love" and she hates how things ended between us. Maybe she's feeling nostalgic. Who knows? All I know is that I told her everything is forgiven, I'm happy and she needn't worry about the past, and she kept contacting me, and has invited me to come and see her, and it made me uncomfortable. I also know that she's married and has a kid, and that regardless of her feelings of guilt or nostalgia or even harbored romance or "what might have been," her first responsibility is toward her husband and child. For their sakes, she has to restrain all those feelings, not just from breaking out into actual adultery or anything, but also even when it comes to wanting me back in her life somehow. Because I don't belong there, and any affection or whistfulness she has towards me belongs by right to her husband and child, and she needs to let me go--whether I am just a fixation of guilt or nostalgia, or whether it is actual romantic attraction.

              Anyway, I'm sure you'll still think I'm wrong, and somehow in the wrong. You're entitled to your opinion, of course. And I did ask for it; so even if I disagree, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Thank you.

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