Is it normal to think about rape like this?

[*Repost since I can't see the comments in my first post*]

(Sorry about the long post, my head is just fucked up over this whole thing. )

I was raped but I really enjoyed it, not just physically but a little bit emotionally too.

Let me explain, so this happened during my school holidays.

My brother was hanging out with his friends. One of them ditched his group and came to my room, and asked me if he could play some games.
I was lonely I haven't had a friend for a long time, I didn't find it strange and just wanted a friend, so I let him play with me.
My family is emotionally unstable, my dad physically abuses my mum, my brother and me.
My brother doesn't even talk to me, so I was really happy that day to have someone to hang with.

On the last week of school holidays, my brother's friend had become my friend.
I let him sleep over because I told him it was too late to train home.
I shared my bed with him. I told him I don't trust people, but I do with him, but usually getting close to people physically and emotionally makes me extremely uncomfortable.
We did a movie marathons to see who can stay awake the longest, I lost by falling asleep way earlier than he did.

Later when I woke up I found his arms around me. I don't know why but I turned around to face him and hug him back. I felt so lonely and this was comforting and first time I actually felt loved by someone. He asked if he could kiss me and I let him. But after I sensed him wanting tongue I started to change my mind and realise what we were actually doing could lead to. I didn't want to sleep with anyone without being in a relationship. I couldn't even imagine dating my friend.

I tried to get up but he pushed me down with all his weight and continued to shove his tongue down my throat, and I almost threw up. He stopped thinking I was going to puke on him. I tried to punch him to get him off me, but it was pointless he didn't even flinch, since he was much bigger and older than me. He managed to get my pants off, and started to put it in and I started to cry from fear and pain shouting at him to stop, I could tell I was bleeding. But he ignored me and just shoved it in and continued at a slow pace.

The pain went away after a while and started to feel a little good. But it was making me really uncomfortable and the noises I was making were really awkward, and I started to cry again. I repeatedly told him to stop again, but he said he would, if I stopped moaning, since he thinks I wasn't acting like I was being raped. He sped up his movements to shut me up.
I hated my self at that moment because I started to enjoy it even more. I was in pure ecstasy, I never knew anal felt that good. I didn't want him to stop and my moans were encouraging him not to.

I thought it was over but he wanted to go again. I tried to get up and run but he punched me in the face and which gave me a black eye later. He did it again and he was much rougher this time but it still felt good even if it was mixed with pain. After he was done he got his stuff and went home.

Now I lock myself in my room whenever he comes over here to hang out with my brother.
I skip most of my school days and have extreme anxiety attacks added on top of my depression. And I feel like I've became to like pain and the abuse i'm receiving now, I don't know if it evolved from my body trying to cope with the rape.

So I don't know what to think about rape anymore, or if I should even call it rape with my situation. It really felt wrong at the beginning and I felt worse at the end. But the middle was not so bad.

I wonder if I should just view rape differently to overcome this guilt of being a victim to it, I feel like I brought it on my self in the first place anyway.
Others probably disagree with my confused view of rape, but maybe its just my broken mind trying to piece what's happened to me together.

Could someone please give me their thoughts on this. I've been through 4 psychologist this year already and all they do is ask me how I feel, and I'm not sure how to interpret how I feel. They don't give me any insight on my past abuse and rape.