Is it normal to tense up almost everytime i am hugged or kissed?

66% Normal
6 Comments

I am a sexual abuse survivor and even though it was more than 20 years ago that it stopped, sometimes it still affects my life. I love my husband with all my heart and he is the only person that I have let down all my walls for. I feel guilty because even though we have been together 16 years I still tense up when he hugs me or tries to kiss me. I hate it but I don't know how to stop it. I have accepted that with sex I can not be in the moment but have to fantasize the whole time otherwise I panic and flash back. I can't and don't want to except that I will never be able to hug or kiss my husband without tensing up. Sometimes when he his at work I feel the urge that when he gets home I am just going to jump in his arms and give him a passionate kiss, but when he comes home and is in front of me all that disappears and he is lucky if I can manage a hug much less a peck. I don't want to be this way not just for my husband, but for me. I even tense up when my own children hug me. I am a very caring, extremely sensitive person, but I shut down when those small intimate touches happen. I show my children I love them by telling them and have very open candid conversations with them. They don't seem to mind that I don't often give hugs and that if they hug me I don't reject them, I just tense up and return a awkward hug. I want to be able to forfil the urge of returning those small intimate touches to my loved ones. I feel that if I feel the urge than why cant I just do it. Any advise on this would be helpful.

Voting Results
66% Normal
Based on 47 votes (31 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • DolphinAngel
    10 years ago

    I hate when it's so hard to pick whether it's normal or not... In your situation it's fairly normal I guess...

    I can't really help you but you might consider going to a psychologist maybe with your husband and see if they can help you get better... Even though I doubt that it will work out that good since you've carried this problem for many years...

    Anyway, I wish you both luck with your relationship ^w^

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  • TTGL
    10 years ago

    You're really going to let one person destroy you and your family like that? From twenty years ago? You shouldn't. You're a mom, you can't let things like that affect your children, and it's unfair for your husband too. Your children could grow up having intimacy problems themselves, do you want that? Be stronger than your abuser. If not for yourself, for your family.

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    • Blablabla________
      7 years ago

      She has suffered from sexual abuse. It must have been really hard. You don't know how it feels you can just simply get over it

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      • Blablabla________
        7 years ago

        Cant*

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  • Avant-Garde
    10 years ago

    It's normal, sadly. I too was abused in that manner as well as other manners and it has made it difficult for me to show affection as well as other emotions. Usually, it takes time for me to be able to be comfortable and trusting enough of a person to show affection towards them.
    Usually, I am so emotionally closed of that, in the past, I have been labeled as "cold", "rigid", "incapable of loving", etc.
    There's only person that I can think of that doesn't fit into this behavioural process and that's my therapist. The trust was almost instantly there and I have been more and more okay with expressing emotions with her. Therapy has been the only relief for me for this.

    Did you ever see a therapist or join a sexual abuse survivor group/forum?

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  • 123Random
    10 years ago

    Given your situation I think it's normal, but in general no..and it sounds like you would be happier if this issue would be resolved. Perhaps if you think of it like this; the encounter can either make you stronger or weaker.. you have only one precious life to live and I would suggest to try and see it in a different light. If you can get over what that inhuman monster did to you, then you have defeated him/her. If you let what that fool did to you effect you for the rest of your life, then 'it' has won. The choice, even if you can't see it yet, is up to you. Stay strong.

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