Is it normal to tell a friend to not expect much of friendship
I have this "friend" who moved out of the country for a couple and we have basically just been barely in touch for the past 8 years over facebook/email. We used to be closer in college but you know how it is: people move away, do different things.
Everytime I message her to just say hi or to hang out (she moved back), she is busy, cant hang out or brushes me off in one way or another. Like she will say something like "oh yeah, I got all these things to do, but maybe we can get together soon." Then I dont hear from her for a month, so I message her to remind her, and it often takes several tries to get together. I often feel like a dentist appointment with her.
I confronted her about it, asked what was up with all the brushing off and she actually told me that she doesnt remember the times she brushed me off and she feels sorry I felt that way. She also told me (quote):
"I don't think I'm the best choice for you in terms of a close friend. Given my personality, I can already tell that I end up hurting you a lot without even meaning to. It sounds like you are asking for the kind of face-to-face time that I don't have available to give you. What I do have that is available would be group hang-outs, probably no more than once every 2-3 months. If you are ok with that, then great. If not, then like I said, I don't really think I'm the best person for you to have as a close friend. I'm not saying this as a rejection of who you are."
So, what do I make of this? Are my expectations really that high? I am just trying to be friends and she is telling me exactly what? That I will never be more than an acquaintance? And that I should be ok with the crumbs she is willing to throw my way. Is this how to be a friend? I am appalled but i wonder if I am missing something here. I dont know how to respond to her. The things she said are so wrong in so many ways, they defy everything I know friendship and the concept of being there for each other stands for - and yet she has the nerve to tell me such a thing and think it is ok? Who says that to someone?
I understand people are busy, but what gets me is how she says don’t expect anything and is also trying to make it look like it was some inadequacy on my part, like unrealistic expectations, that are the problem. But wanting to be friends and connecting with people isnt unrealistic. I mean who says to someone dont expect us to be close friends? What incentive do I have to even talk to someone who tells me right of the bat that I will never be a real friend and that she will also never be a real friend to me? That is so unkind. I am disappointed. How do I respond to this ugly email? Is it normal to even have a friend talk to you like that? Should I tell her off or just politely accept?