Is it normal to still feel depressed after 10 yrs if my wife cheated?

67% Normal
17 Comments

My wife had an affair with one of my friends, during a period in our relationship where things were not going well in several areas. This happened 10 years ago, but I am still obsessed and hurting over it. Since then our relationship has been hell, and it has affected me, my kids and her, all this time. She still has not been completely honest about the events, and my mind is full of questions. I want to understand so many things. I love her and want to forgive her, but it seems she is too cowardly to tell the thruth and to settle this once and for all. I really want to know if she really loves me, or if she is just with me because she has no options left.

Voting Results
67% Normal
Based on 82 votes (55 yes)
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Comments ( 17 )
  • joybird
    12 years ago

    I understand where you're coming from but I don't think that knowing all the details would help you any. In fact, it would probably only torment you further. I am surprised that you haven't asked your friend about it if you wanted info.

    The advice given is always to conceal the details so as not to torture the innocent partner. It may make her feel better to off-load her reasons, but not you.

    Perhaps when your children are a little older you will be forced to decide if you can continue to live with her, or maybe by then you won't care about the past, or you will leave. You obviously aren't ready to give up on your marriage just yet - but I'm sure she still loves you or she wouldn't be there.

    An affair is only a little fleeting excitement or even nasty revenge, but if the person is sorry and realises that they love their partner, then they always come home. I think she still loves you but doesn't know how to forgive herself for ruining your trust in her :o(

    Ask her if she loves you or not ~ but imagine that affair was an ex-bf BEFORE you, and not during... to help you move on. Good luck.

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    • Daxus
      10 years ago

      Thanks for your advice and answer, joybird. I did speak to my "friend" and asked him about it. But he was sort of afraid of telling me the truth, probably because he saw me so angry at the time. A long time has passed, and I see your reply until now! I am sorry to inform you it's been a year since we split up for good with my ex.

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    • Daxus
      12 years ago

      Hey, thanks for the reply. This is really helping me, I had never discussed this problem with anyone else. The thing is that I am sort of obsessed as to what exactly happened. I asked my "friend", 9 years ago, and he was scared as hell, so he denied having sex. He left the country for good, afterwards. I tell you, not knowing has really tortured me more, I need to know exactly what happened, the reasons, etc. I can keep making my own suppositions, but I want it to come out of her mouth. I really am tired, and just want to understand, but apparently she does not want to come forward. I left the house 3 weeks ago. I can't take it anymore. My kids are 14, 10, and 3. and they don't exactly understand what is going on. I only know I am not willing to live with this lie any longer, and if she doesn't react, I will not go back. I feel I have wasted 10 years of my life and energy. It has sort of felt like a prison, and I hate her for it. thanks for taking the time to write some decent stuff.

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      • joybird
        12 years ago

        I can truly empathise :o( but you have not wasted those years as you stood by your kids - and even produced a new one since that time :o)

        I think your wife probably doesn't even know why it happened as it would be hard to remember the exact feelings that were uppermost at that time.

        The only problem as I see it is that you are still angry and upset by it, although you could be heading towards divorce. However, the opposite of love is not hate it's ambivalence - so you may be hurting coz you still love her. Losing your kids has been a high price to pay especially since you are the innocent party in all this :o(

        I have to be honest and admit that I don't believe you can ever truly lose the grudge you have or ever truly forgive her. So perhaps it is best that you make a new life, hopefully find someone new, but please try to remain a father-figure in your children's lives.

        I am sorry that it ended this way for you :o(

        I do hope it works out for the best.

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        • Daxus
          12 years ago

          Hey thanks, but you know these years have not been happy, and its true I've been with my kids and I love them, but they have not been happy either though they dont understand. Yes, I am angry, and sad. But its been 10 years, I want to end it one way or another. I try to see my kids now as much as possible but I feel worse everytime I go near the house to see them. I don't want to sleep around, but I feel lonely or that I would like to have some girlfriend, i feel i need some love and understanding, sort of trying to get this out of my mind.I promise I will stand by my kids, they need and love me. Thanks for everything, for your time pal.

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          • joybird
            12 years ago

            Hopefully you will be able to enjoy your children without seeing her and being reminded of the betrayal - maybe you could pick them up after a club they go to. When your children are adults I am sure they will understand why you couldn't stay, once a partner has two-timed them a time or two. I'm sure you will find someone to share your life with soon, there are decent females out there who will appreciate you.

            Good luck with the new life you're going to have to go out and create!

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            • Daxus
              12 years ago

              Thanks Joybird, I appreciate you taking the time to think about this and giving me serious answers, I feel very bad, not being able to be around my kids in a normal fashion. Let's see how it goes.

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            • Daxus
              12 years ago

              Thanks for your words!

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  • NeuroNeptunian
    12 years ago

    10 years? It has been 10 years since she has cheated on your and she STILL won't tell you exactly what happened?

    Your wife sounds like a lying little twat, if it has been 10 years and she still hasn't decided to quit being so selfish and restore your trust in her and your peace of mind, it's probably not going to happen anytime soon and while you should be honest with her the way you're being honest with us, just know that ten years is a very long time to continue being dishonest and it seems as if she doesn't give enough of a shit about you or your kid to try to work things out.

    Tell her how you feel, and if she still keeps being dishonest, it's time to leave her if it is not already. An adult owns up to their actions and takes responsibility and it sounds as if you're married to a child.

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    • Daxus
      12 years ago

      Thanks, I think you are right.

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  • Mersaphe
    10 years ago

    Maybe she doesn't want to go there anymore. If you did drugs when you were younger would you want your significant other to constantly keep bringing it up? People make mistakes. If she's not willing to discuss it anymore it should be a sign that you should move on as well

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  • WhattheFock
    12 years ago

    DUMP THAT BITCH! Are you serious???:you should have done it instantly. But its not too late. Kick that dirty, low-down tramp to the curb! Tonight! Throw all her shit out and bang her best friend or if possible her sister. Because here is the truth you know in your heart...it was not just once and it was not just one guy...stop lying to yourself. Its never going to be "ok"...and it should not be. You can do it. Just DO IT.

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    • Daxus
      12 years ago

      Dear WhattheFock, I have to confess that i sometimes feel exactly as you´re saying- sometimes I feel such hate, especially after realizing that she´s kept me 10 fucking years in the dark. But there´s something in me that pussies out, fuck. And I for sure know that it was not only once with this guy, and sometimes I wonder if there have been others. Damn. I think that deep down you are right, it's never going to be ok, regardless of how much I love her, want her or forgive her. I think that my insistence in her telling me all is that I want to forgive her deep down, but it's just utopian. Did I tell you I left the house 3 weeks ago, she´s with the kids. I feel like shit, but I am thinking of your suggestion- maybe not her sister, mom or best friend but some other hot chick that will make me forget, at least for a moment.

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  • Kimi.b
    12 years ago

    I would leave her. It will haunt you...was in a situation similar but not as intense as yours. And leaving her was the best thing I did, met a girl 100x better a month later , and the choice was worth it.

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    • Daxus
      12 years ago

      And remember it´s not that easy, this is my wife of more than 15 years, and we have 3 kids. I wish I could just forget everything and leave and meet someone else, but I feel so responsible to my kids, not just in the economic sense, but as a father, but I am tired, I have tried all in my power to fix things with her. Help!

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    • Daxus
      12 years ago

      This is what I want to do, but something in me wants to give her another chance. I am confused.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    Hmm, this is a tough one, does or did your friend that she had the affair with have a larger penis then you did? She most likely needed a real man to satisfy her and you just couldnt stack up, or more accurately "measure" up, if you know what I mean?

    Perhaps you could just get in touch with your friend to find out what really happened and how much he made her orgasm during this affair that she had. Maybe he had her moaning like a roman whore and she is just too embarrassed to admit something like that to you? Push comes to shove you could always invite this friend to join in a threesome sometime, maybe its just the thing your marriage needs to get back on its feet.

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