Is it normal to react this way?
When I was 14, I had a crush on this guy for a year and we dated 3 months. I'm really not sure how to characterize our relationship. We both used to tease each other a lot. For whatever reason, I guess I became sensitive to it and became pretty self-conscious around him. After the breakup, he said we could stay friends and he did quite a bit to try to make me feel better. Sometimes, though, he'd make me uncomfortable. For instance, I told him I was upset because I found out I was an accident, and he just laughed and shouted it across the room to his friend. Sometimes he would blow in my ear or lie down across the desks and joke about coming over to my house later. He was just one of those people who was constantly messing around. He liked to tell me I was fat/stupid/ugly/didn't have any friends, and it bothered me, but he was always joking.
I ended up walking over by his house quite a bit because I was thinking about him. I did not go up to the door or go inside. However, sometimes he or his parents would see me walking outside and let me in.
I ended up at his house quite a lot that summer. He always liked to mess around with this pocketknife. I never once actually thought he was going to hurt me, but I really don't like knives so it was kind of freaking me out on an emotional level. He started telling me that he would put it away if I'd do something off a list (e.g., blowjob, handjob, etc.) but he was clearly joking. I kind of felt like he was taunting me, though. I remember he pointed the knife at my throat and told me to get in the closet and take off all my clothes. But then he seemed really surprised that I was upset, so maybe he just didn't realize he was bothering me?
Anyway...I told him I didn't think it was funny but he kept doing it. Sometimes he would walk me into the closet. I kissed him once, and he also took his pants off in front of me but it was pretty dark. After a while he started saying that if I didn't do it then I would have to leave, and he'd walk me to the door like I actually meant it unless I told him I would do it and went back into the closet with him. Other times he would act really disgusted if I acted like I was going to. I got really upset one time and I was looking for a way to kill myself (I am not at all suicidal now, this was 5 years ago) and for some reason I thought it was possible to suffocate myself with duct tape. So he told me it wouldn't work but that he'd give me the duct tape if I took my shirt off. I don't know why I did it. Anyway it made me feel pretty humiliated.
I haven't ever had any suicidal thoughts outside the context of this relationship or thinking about it afterward, but at the same time, my suicidal thoughts in this relationship started when he was more clearly just messing around. Is it normal to react this strongly to stuff that's just a joke? I mean, I was never in any physical danger, so I could have just left at any time, but I didn't.