Is it normal to punish ones self if someone else can be found to do it

Ever since i was raped as a 11 year old boy by a man and his wife i have had the urge to serve ladies especially. Don't worry about me on that score as I have had good and bad from it. However, as I have grown older it is much harder to get people for me to serve I am now 65 but fit and healthy. So my desire has leaned now toward serving couples where the man is bi and i love to suck cock while tied up and being dominated by his wife. The question now is the sources have dried up and i belt myself and tie myself up very often am i too wierd or is it norm thank you .