Is it normal to not want to talk about it?

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7 Comments

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for over 4 years now. He rarely talks about his feelings or thoughts, which I guess I understand. I just say its a guy thing, getting them to talk is like volunteering for a root canal.
Here is where the question comes into play. For the last couple of months i have felt like we have drifted. I think I have fallen out of love with him.
I mean I love him as in I care about him, its hard to just discard someone you've been with for so long. However, I do not feel the way I used to. i used to smile when he said my name, I felt a ticklish warmth everytime he touched me etc. Now, I just hear my name and go dammit what did I do now. You know?
I really can't see my life with out him so I want to work this out.
A week ago I told him "I'm not in love with you anymore." He asked me to reeat myself so I did, and then he turned around and went to sleep. During the week I brought it up 2 more times. And he just says I dont want to talk about it. We live together, and when he leaves for work, or vice versa he still says "I love you." and I just give a fake smile.
Is he in denial? Does he even care about it, or about how I feel? I have so many questions and he just refuses to talk about it. "Not right now."
Finally last night as we were watching TV he leaned in to try to hug me, and I asked him what he was doing. He began to cry very quietly but I felt the moisture on my back. I asked what was wrong and he said "You hate me." I said "I don't hate you baby, I just don't love you." and he continued to sniffle. I opened my mouth to say something and he just told me to stop. He didnt want to hear me say it again. He cleaned off his tears and we remained seated watching TV as if nothing happened.
Is it normal if he doesn't want to talk about it? I dont know what to do. I dont want this to be over but I feel it is and it will be if we don't talk through it. Should I worry?

Voting Results
50% Normal
Based on 38 votes (19 yes)
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Comments ( 7 )
  • Hard_Candy
    13 years ago

    Why are you badgering your boyfriend when clearly you're the one with the problem? He has done nothing wrong. You haven't named one thing he's done other than not knowing how to respond to your bullshit. People's feelings change and they fall out of love all the time. It's your feelings that have changed, and you're being really unfair. You're torturing him by constantly telling him "I don't love you anymore". What exactly do you want him to do about that? You need to grow up. If you're unhappy be a big girl & leave. It's not his problem to fix.

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  • moomus
    13 years ago

    Write him a letter he can read on his own in his own time when you aren't there and put everything u honestly feel in.

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  • DhGlory
    12 years ago

    This story blows my mind. Why would you possibly rub the fact that you don't love him in his face if you didn't intend to leave him. Clearly he loves you a lot but if a girl did that to me after 4 years i'd be very much willing to leave her, instantly. Oh and about him not showing his feelings, i'm male and very rarely express 'love' for anything because I was brought up that way, I have never heard my father or my grandfather express 'love' for each other because it is a fickle term used all too much in today's society. They both know they 'love' each other but they don't need to say it. Maybe i'm fucked up but that's just who I am. Peace bro.

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  • anomaly3642
    13 years ago

    Well I am going out of town next week and I think that would be the best time to do the letter. Thank you Moomus.
    If that doesn't work then I will suggest therapy.
    I don't want to lose him either, but I am afraid to just get stuck. You know?

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  • babylady
    13 years ago

    I went through very much the same thing after 4 years with my now ex. For me it wasn't so much not loving him, as being is this it? Is this really going to be the rest of my life? Its like the seven year itch. But honestly, its a good idea to try to find some way to communicate, writting a letter is a very good idea. Maybe he would be more comfortable with that form of communication. It is possible to fall back in love with him, and a four year relationship is a lot to throw away. Unfortunately for me, I found out that my ex was cheating and lying, so that was that, after trying to make it work. But if you are both willing to fix things to be together, then its worth it.

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  • littlemsEMOtional
    13 years ago

    Best of luck I can't offer advice but he seems to love u alot. Maybe he was raised not to talk about feelings?possibly abused?

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  • KodaaLynn
    13 years ago

    Clearly, he doesn't know how to express himself.
    At the same time, he clearly loves you, very much so, and can't stand the thought of losing you.
    I would agree that you are in quite the predicament that desperately needs to be discussed and sorted out.
    There is such a thing as exes being friends, so neither of you has to lose the other.
    But first I would suggest therapy, just to see that if he were to open up to you more things would work them selves out.
    If worst comes to worst and it isn't going to work, go your separate ways romantically and try to work out a friendship.
    That's the best I can give you and I wish you the very best of luck.

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