Is it normal to not want to have sex with your partner?

44% Normal

Although a person claims they are deeply in love with you, but have no desire to have sex with you anymore...or at least in the near future, how should one react in that situation? He is my husband and I do believe he loves me, the relationship is great besides that one thing...however small it may be to him, it's very big to me! There is nothing I can do or say that will change his mind about the matter. No, he is not cheating or anything like that, you would have to know him to know that is the truth...he is boring, a nerd, very analytical and takes care of his responsibilities...he does things like a clock! While I find those qualities great about him, I need to also feel like I matter or am desired in his eyes! He would rather do the whole hugging and cuddling thing from time to time, but then that's it! I try to make a move, and he stalls, makes up excuses or his body all of suddenly begins to pain him! I am at my wits end as this has been going on for years now. I just can't leave though, we have many years of invested time and it would be ashame to wash it all down the drain. I'll try to hang in a little while longer because I love him so much, but my goodness...I need a release!

Voting Results

44% Normal

Based on 140 votes (61 yes)

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Comments ( 57 )

ralcor

11 years ago

Of course he is going to say he is in love with you. He has settled in and your marriage is Convenient to him. Human beings are creatures of habit and change is a hassle for most people.
Making love to your partner in any relationship is the only way to show your true love for them. Fun sex in a relationship builds and strengthens a couples bond. Your missing out on both these absolute necessary components to have a happy and loving friendship and marriage.
I have been married twice for over 20 plus years. My first wife passed several years ago. My second wife and I make woopy at least 3-4 times a week. And she is my best friend and buddy. I am 50 years old and my wife is 52.
Breaking news your not going to change this person no matter how much you try. Counseling is a joke the idiots counseling you have their own problems. He is who he is and a temperary change is not worth squat. Don't piss your life away. Its going to be real hard but it will be worth it. LEAVE HIM AND DON'T LOOK BACK!! You only have one life to live, so live it on your term and don't let another person take that away from you. I tell my daughter that all the time.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Wow, what you say about him being settled into the marriage...makes absolute sense!
  
  I thank you so much for your sound advice, it has given me a lot to think about. I have thought about leaving, but don't want to leave him in a state of despair.
  
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Boo!

11 years ago

Rape him.

Haha, just kidding. I was going to suggest marriage counseling or talking to him but I'm too late. Seems to me you just need to show him what he is missing out on. Seduce him, wearing arousing clothing and try to turn him on... If that doesn’t work then get a dildo.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  I've actually tried to rape him, but it feels like I should be taken off to jail! LOL! Anyway, thanks for your input!
  
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  - Boo!
    
    11 years ago
    
    Haha, well at least now you dont have regret on how you'll never know how it would have turned out with the rape thing. :p Hehe, your welcome.
    
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Ryan556

11 years ago

Well I've never heard of a guy that dosent want sex hmmmm you've tried to subdue him how does he not want to get laid hmmmmmmmmm I'm confused
Do you have kids?
Is it small?
What's your two ages? That will help me
If you can answer the questions I can aces the problem

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Well, he's not normal...at least that's what he tells me! He's perfectly content with not having sex! I've tried many things to get him in the mood..and nothing works! I'm at a loss, but will keeping trying until I get tired.
  -No, we don't have kids!
  -It's not small...to me, it's the right size!
  -He's 33 and I'm 31
  
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  - Ryan556
    
    11 years ago
    
    Ok he might be going through like a midlife crises all I can think of or he's afraid he can't pleasure you anymore
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      Hmm, I guess it could be a mid-life crisis, but he's in his early 30's...that's too young it seems! I don't know what the deal is, but I will try to help him until I get tired!
      
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      - Ryan556
        
        11 years ago
        
        Why does it matter I'm commenting up here
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        11 years ago
        
        What do you mean you're, "Commenting up here?" I'm just curious as to what you may be studying, if you don't want to tell...then don't!
        
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      - Ryan556
        
        11 years ago
        
        I'm only 20 but I know a lot about this stuff I'm on a farm with bad Internet tho I just got here last night so bear with me
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        11 years ago
        
        You're pretty young! Where do you get your wealth of information regarding the "stuff" you claim to know? I don't think it's a mid-life crisis...at least not yet! There is some underlying issue that needs to be worked out!
        
        Why are you on a farm?
        
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TonybigCock

11 years ago

very interesting!

there can be medical reasons, he might have a drop in his testosterone, which all but removes his sex drive. this is reasonably common.

did he ever genuinely like sex?

are you exciting in bed, did you suck him off etc?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  There just might be medical reasons, but he has been too stubborn to get himself checked. He's going with the flow of life as if sex is not an important part of a relationship. I am beyond fed-up at this point and need a solution! This week, however, he agreed to get some kind of help next month...I hope he follows through!
  
  Well, he was never a sex maniac or anything, but when we used to have sex, it was great! I was wild in bed...he never complained about my performance!
  
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Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress

11 years ago

"he is boring"

If my partner said I was boring... I wouldn't be interested in working hard to pleasure them either.

It sounds like you want him to change to suit your needs. Perhaps that's the problem... You say you love him but... if you want him to change so much of himself, is it really HIM that you love?

Part of loving someone is loving the entire person - even the faults. If you want to constantly change them, perhaps you need to rethink what you feel, or perhaps what your expectations are.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  First of all, thank you for commenting on my situation, however; I never mentioned in the story that I wanted to change him. In fact, I said I love those qualities about him…I’m just missing one important part of the relationship. Secondly, I do not call my partner, “boring”, it’s something that is well known…besides, he calls himself that; nonetheless it’s what describes him. I’m pretty sure he has descriptive words that describe my character as well. Anyway, his issue is deep…it goes beyond our relationship. I hope in time that he seeks help or the relationship will be forced to take a turn for another direction! Thanks again for your input.
  
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  - Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
    
    11 years ago
    
    but you DO want to change him.
    
    You want him to be more sexual. And he's not.
    
    Was he like this when you first met him? Or is it just a recent change.
    
    I mean sure I understand wanting more sex... but if you knew he was like this when you married him... isn't this something you should have considered before hand?
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      That's not changing him, it's something that is expected in most relationships. I don't think I'm asking for too much or being unreasonable!
      
      In the beginning, we did have sex and although it wasn't often...it did happen so I didn't complain about the rarity of our sex life. Now, it's nothing...so I'd say this is worth complaining about!
      
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      - Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
        
        11 years ago
        
        It's like ordering dinner. Sure you feel it should taste good because it's "expected". However when you go and order say, tomato soup, when you prefer say clam chowder... is it really the soup's fault it's not good enough?
        
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crystal43920

11 years ago

I had a ex that was a nerd etc as well, but the issue there was when we finally did do something he was only out for himself getting off and not me! (Talk about a minute man!) Anyway He always wanted head and never gave it in return also never really any four play at all.(He treated me as if I didnt need turned on first or anything for him to get pleasure) Maybe thats why he is a ex......

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Wow...he could have just served himself! I would hate that situation as well, sex is about two people who love one another, not just about one person! Glad he is in your rear view mirror!!!
  
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GoraIntoDesiGals

11 years ago

I'm a nerd too but I love love love love sex. ;-)

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  I only wished he did too! You enjoy it!!! :-)
  
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Reeves

11 years ago

It sounds like the relationship is over and you need to move on. Do you really want to live in this type of a relationship for the rest of your life? If not, then it's time to move on, because he is not going to change.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  It's a tough decision to move on especially when love is a major factor, but I may have to just do that!
  
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Mando

11 years ago

If he won't go for counselling you still could. I agree that counselling is not a panacea. But there are a number of options for you that you need time to think through and weigh in a caring and supportive environment that is all for you.

Taking charge in that small way may be better than continually being short changed sexually and interpersonally by your husband.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  You're absolutely right, I do need someone to talk to about this. I just need to take charge of my life, period! The longer I continue to drag on this way, I will no doubt begin to resent him, myself, and the relationship!
  
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fullhouse

11 years ago

Try talking about what excites him.. Tell him how important sex is in a relationship..
Else have a booty call or smthg? If everything fails leave him, It's better than despising him later..

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  I would hope he already knows the importance of sex in a relationship...I feel like a nag to keep bringing the subject up!
  
  Hmm, I have actually thought about a booty call, but I don't want to feel guilty either! Thanks for responding!
  
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VioletTrees

11 years ago

Have you tried talking to him about it?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  All the time, that gets no where!
  
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prasatko

11 years ago

Has he always been less interested in sex? I mean for example at the time you met him or the first stages of the relationship, the first years of the relationship / marriage? Or did he lose his interest suddenly or gradually?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  You know, I guess in the beginning of the relationship he wasn't too into sex, but gradually got into because I enjoyed it so! Now that I think about it, there were times when he pushed me away in the past, way before it became nonexistent, but I didn't think anything of it! Now, he is totally not interested...ugh!
  
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JustDave

11 years ago

Marriage counseling?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  We have talked about that and he wasn't comfortable with the idea when I first approached him with it. However, recently he changed his mind and figured it was time to get help, but have yet to actually follow through. My guess is that he doesn't really want help, just telling me what I want to hear! Thanks for the advice!
  
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  - JustDave
    
    11 years ago
    
    If he won't talk about it or do anything about it nothing will change. If you've done everything you can to get him to address the issue you'll either have to learn to live with it or leave him. I hope things work out for the best.
    
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the_misty_haze

11 years ago

Is he on any medications? Also is it possible he's having some erectile dysfunction and is embarrassed? Have you sat and tried to have a conversation making him tell you what is going on?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  I've tried a million times to talk to him about the issue, but he dismisses it completely! The only medication he's on now is an antibiotic for a cold. It could be ED, but I will never know if he won't open up to me!
  
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  - the_misty_haze
    
    11 years ago
    
    Your going to either have to learn to go without or not allow him to dismiss it. Be kind but incredibly persistent. Tell him that if there is a problem your willing to do anything to get through it but it can't be worked on if he refuses to address it. Maybe suggest marriage counseling but I doubt he will talk to a stranger if he won't talk to you. If it was me id also stress how much he is loved and that its not so much the lack of sex that will eventually hurt the marriage but the lack if communication and willingness to try to fix the problem.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      Thanks for your advice! You're right, I will need to definitely approach him in a different manner regarding the issues and hope for the best. I have talked about going to counseling and in the past he would dismiss that too, but lately when I bring it up, he says ok! But has yet to actually follow through...even if I tell him that I'll make the appointment! He just says, "One of these days!" I will keep trying until I say, "That's it!"
      
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      - the_misty_haze
        
        11 years ago
        
        I really wish you the best.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        11 years ago
        
        Thx :-)
        
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the1

11 years ago

There may b something within that's causing him to feel disconnected from human behavior. This can be the case when one is immersed in something that gives a sense of existence.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  That could be true, but I need him to open up without me having to feel like such a nag about it. It sort of feels like I'm a nympho for constantly asking!
  
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal to not want to have sex with your partner?