Is it normal to not understand who you wanna be?

I’m just so confused about my gender identity. I keep switching from wanting to be a guy to being ok with being a girl, and then sometimes I think, “There’s no way I can choose a side.”

My family doesn’t really know, although I’m sure they suspect, and my friends are definitely suspicious. I’ve only told one person, and he couldn’t relate, so we didn’t really talk about it much.

Like, I wanna be a girl. Be myself. Become a famous singer and writer and maybe even artist.

I wanna be a girl in the ways I’ve grown knowing how, being proud of who I am, not letting assholes push me down, yknow? Girls nights out, maybe a good life outside my headspace.

And then there’s the part of me who just wants to be a guy. I wanna hang out with the boys, do things with the excuse of, “Just a dumb teen boy, lol,” instead of, “Heh, dumb teen girl, wanna impress people, I guess?”

I wanna hang out with guy friends. Be cute with them. Have my hair styled the way I want it to without my family talking about how ‘girls shouldn’t cut their hair like that’. I mean, being a guy, that definitely wouldn’t be a problem.

I wanna be named Oliver, or Olli for short. I wanna be a singer, better at guitar. Put my back into some better stories with strong female, male, and nonbinary characters. Be gay with a boyfriend, or straight with a girl. I swing either way.

I wanna be the big man, the guy who takes people out to dates, but also the strong girl, who surprises her girlfriend with a night under the stars and lemonade. I wanna be a guy, show that guys can be sweet, especially with all the sweet guys in my life. Or a girl, show people that just because I’m a nice person, doesn’t mean I can be taken advantage of. I wanna be both, but not gender fluid- although that would be ideal, but I know I don’t have the looks or the decision-making abilities to be able to say, ‘I’m a girl today’ or ‘I’m a guy today’ or even, ‘I don’t feel like either, so I choose not to identify as either’.

If you took time out of your day to read this...sorry. And thanks. Please help. I don’t know who or what I am anymore.