Is it normal to not be able to orgasm after sexually abusive relationship?

An excellent book about female sexuality: "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski

One of the major points Nagoski makes concerns what she calls "noncondordance". This is the idea that a woman's genitals do not necessarily do what her brain would like them to do.

Men shouldn't find this surprising, given that even young, healthy men can fail to get an erection when they very much want to have sex. Sometimes, things go floppy just because the situation is so intense. Personally, I have experienced an inability to reach orgasm, even though I had an erection, and was enjoying the sex very much. Sometimes, it's both "too much" and "not quite enough".

It has been found that vaginal lubrication often occurs when women are shown any image that is sexual, even videos of Bonobo chimps mating. That doesn't mean the woman wants to have sex with a monkey, it's just that the most primitive part of her brain has recognized a sexual situation and is preparing her body for sex.

It's also the case that many women who very definitely DO want to have sex find that there is little lubrication and it is extremely difficult (or impossible) to reach orgasm.

Bottom line: for both men and women, the physical equipment sometimes just doesn't cooperate with what they want to happen,

Some women have an orgasm during rape. That doesn't mean they wanted to be raped, only that the rapist has stimulated the genital nerves in a way that produced that physical response.

Many of those women then have to deal with a serious internal conflict. They didn't want to be raped and they didn't enjoy the situation in the sense that they were forced to do something against their will, and yet they did experience physical pleasure. Many then wonder if they DID secretly want to be raped. Many will feel that their body betrayed them.

Feeling that you can't trust your body is a very difficult thing to overcome, not least because it's very easy for an inability to reach orgasm to become a vicious circle. You get so wrapped up in worrying about coming that you don't, so then you worry even more about what's wrong with you.

You say that everything you used to like shuts you down now. You also say that what came before was an abusive relationship. Why are you surprised that you have difficulty reacting positively to things you associate with an abuser?

I can say that I think your experience is unfortunately not that uncommon, but it's possible that you'll only get to the root of the problem and overcome it with the advice of a sexual counselor.

You are in recovery from an abusive relationship. Frankly, you don't need a man - who cannot truly understand what you went through and what you're feeling now - criticizing you and suggesting you're faking your sexual responses and lying to him. If he is unable to be more supportive and patient, he doesn't really love you and you should find someone who does.

Finally, put this question to your boyfriend: if he was anally raped and the rapist managed to stimulate his prostate in such a way that he ejaculated, would that mean he enjoyed being raped and maybe even wanted to be raped?

He's right. The hell with your boyfriend.