Is it normal to never seem to know how to conversate fruitfully?

So, I'm morally gray at best and I've recognized a lot of problems in myself and worked on them for years and have made noticeable huge improvement

But I still get trapped in the void when I start to talk to someone, like I get really excited at the prospect of having a friend, like someone I can talk to daily about anything, things going on with me and things with them

I used to be more direct about it, but I'm noticing it's happening more subtly, like I'll notice the excitement when I'm talking to someone and usually what I've been doing is using those feelings, it's not always excitement, to say whatever I think I should. I think I send sub communicative messages to people like, I'm desperate for a friend

But I'm kinda stuck because observing myself and my emotions and responding appropriately has been helping me, like with customers, employees at stores, co-workers and bosses, and it's not working with people I want to be friends with

I remember in high school I didn't have many friends but I was always able to pick out people I knew would be cool to at least get the ball rolling, but now it's like the people I feel like I can do this with are just really good at remaining impartial or something, like very neutral and I guess maybe I see the lack of reprieve as a sign of encouragement? But then I take the next step, like I'll test the waters and try to make the rapport more amicable somehow and that's when the hesitation comes and in the moment it makes me feel ashamed, but I'm a self proclaimed perfectionist with OCD and giving up is usually not my forte, like it makes me want to try harder to figure out what I did wrong or to see if I can make it work

I can understand how others might see me though, I had a Lyft driver once flirt with me on the thirty minute drive home, I didn't find anything to skeptical when he said like "people in relationships should work 9 to 5 and single people should work 10 to 6, that way they can still get to happy hour" (we were talking about traffic) and I played along like to the conversation mostly to see if I could keep it going without it turning awkward, but then he gets more and more bold and when he drops me off he's like "I'd walk you inside if you want" (I was trying to tell him to drop me off at the street since the driveway is kinda awkward) and I kept telling him no because I knew he just wanted sex and I'm not that desperate to sleep with a glorified cabby, but the point is I know some people aren't worthy of trust and I don't expect everyone to trust me right off the bat but it's like I've done so much work on improving myself and being mentally healthy but people still seem to look at me or treat me like I'm just waiting for them to let their guard down

I don't know if it's because I'm always on edge, like I'm always alert and analyzing, but that's more for me so I don't do something stupid than it is because I'm a predator of some kind

Like I know I need to be good with myself before I can attract like a partner, but part of me really thinks I'm good enough to have at least a friend or two to chat with or maybe do something

It doesn't help that I bury myself in work, but that's almost out of necessity since it's helped me out of homelessness, and I don't have much time to go out to where people are and even then I'm anxious in new environments and people still scare me even though I've gotten better with that

I mean maybe I just need to keep working on things until I can trust people and new environments, but living in seclusion is so frustrating sometimes and I see so many mentally unstable people be surrounded by loved ones and I'm just like where's my love!