Is it normal to have such strong murderous urges?
First off, until you research schizophrenia and have at least basic knowledge of the disorder, I don't want your advice. Thank you.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 9. From the age of 4 I constantly attacked other children to keep the voices in my head quiet. At many points have these kids had to go to the hospital because of me.
You'd think I would at least feel guilty about it. I don't. I really don't. I only halted my malicious nature because at around 10 years old I was nearly murdered by a child whom was a best friend of a kid I had broken the nose of once. He taunted one of the horses which was tied up in the nearby park to the point it was rearing and kicking wherever it looked. He pushed me towards the horse and nearly got me killed. If I hadn't ducked that kick by a centimetre I'd be dead.
Now that I'm older, the hallucinations are coming back. Mostly just hallucinations of ants crawling on my arms, but it's no big deal. The big deal here is that 24/7 all I can think about is murder! I can't even think straight and can't get to sleep!
Murdering people isn't my worries here. My real worry is what a danger I would be to society if I chose the path of a serial killer. My brothers are both mental health nurses and attempt to restrain me all the time, and I've learned how to escape them.
I don't feel anything for other people. Maybe a little, but I still wouldn't mind killing my own family if I had to. There was only one person I was really close to, and that was my younger stepbrother, but he was murdered by his own father.
I find every opportunity possible to kill a person. At night I sometimes stay up in the front garden with kitchen knife in hand, awaiting a burglar to slaughter.
Is this normal? ...Even for someone with schizophrenia? Or is it possible I may have another disorder?