Is it normal to have negative feelings about my kid?

I dont think it is, but i may be making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like i should seek opinions.

Ever since he was born I've struggled with -ve feelings towards him. I was excited to be a parent, got all the baby stuff picked out a name... But when we got home, anytime i looked at him i'd get an anxiety attack. A real one, not imagined. I was obssesed with taking care of him in spite of them. I felt like if i got busy taking care of him the bad feelings would go away.

Well he got chubbier and cuter and just too adorable, and those feelings went away for years.... Until pre-school. We got pregnant again and had child # 2. Suddenly those feelings were back but not towards the new baby but my first child. I behaved towards his interest in the baby the way a mother in the wild would if a cub was approached by a predator. And the anxiety was back, along with a feeling of detachment from him. Ive been aware of that and i try to tame it.

Two years later and im still struggling with it. I feel no ill toward the younger one. But my older kid.... It almost feels like im raising someone else's child. I feel like I'm not loving him like I should. I don't touch him, hug him, play with him. If he shows me affection it just feels weird and my instinct is to want him to get away. When he talks i wish he'd shut up already. I'm so relieved when he's in school. Its a good thing he loves school. I sometimes get angry at my toddler, but i frequently get enraged by him, really mad. Like i have to hold back from saying or doing things . He's a normal kid with no issues. He is more responsible than kids his age as he has had to learn to do things on his own. That fact makes me both proud and sad.

Im worried that i'm not being a good parent to this child. What i dont get is why. Am i just a normal parent obsessing over what might be some favoritism or does this need professional help/counsel?