Is it normal to have a "semi-closed" open relationship?

33% Normal
21 Comments

I'm an 18 year old girl, almost 19.

I've been with my boyfriend for years, and we both love each other very much. We definitely will get married in the near future.

However, before I met him, I had a very close relationship with my best friend (also a girl) and we recognized that we might have feelings for each other beyond friendship. Years later, even with my boyfriend I have felt these same feelings for her, while not feeling anything less for him. And recent contact with her confirms her feelings for me as well.

Talking it over with my boyfriend, he is perfectly fine with her entering our relationship. And by "our", I mean mine. What I mean is: He will be with me, and she will also be with me, but they will not have any sort of relationship with each other. They don't like each other in any way past "acquaintances"- and to be honest, I wouldn't want him touching her nor her touching him- I'd get jealous. But it seems like both of them won't get jealous that I'll have another...? I'll be the only one with two relationships, whereas they will each have only one... I just don't know what to think.

Is it normal?

Voting Results
33% Normal
Based on 39 votes (13 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • TightRedShirtPurpleSkinnyJeans
    12 years ago

    Admittedly it is quite interesting that he has the maturity to tolerate a relationship like this. Be careful though, suggesting something and doing it may find very different results. Particularly if you haven't been seeing this girl much. He may not realise how much more time you will be spending with her and how much less with him.

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    • BlueEyed
      12 years ago

      I definitely agree. I'm perfectly fine with just living my life with /only/ him, I love him so much. And he knows this, yet still is fine with allowing another.

      (Please note this is not about sexual things.)

      I guess we could see how it goes, and decide from there.

      Also you might want to read the longest question & answer I gave on this page, it really clarifies a lot.

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  • YBNORML
    12 years ago

    If you are asking if having a semi open relationship is normal in your society and culture, you know the answer already. No it is not "normal" in your society.

    What is normal is to pretend everyone is monogamous and then sneak around and have other relationships anyway - either emotional or physical.

    It is not normal to have frank and honest discussions with your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/fiance' about your desires and interest in exploring a part of your self and sexuality with another person.

    It is not normal for a guy to give you that freedom, without freaking out, feeling insecure, and making you wish you had never said anything.

    But if you are asking if it is normal FOR YOU... well, it is your life, and if you discover that you are polyamorous (are capable of multiple loves), and have found a guy who is willing to give you that freedom (and not expect or demand the same privilege for himself), then you are a) completely normal and b) very lucky.

    And you are probably closer to what is truly normal for humans than the cultural pretense of "normal" forced on everyone. The idea that one person can supply all of your emotional, familial, sexual, social and adventure needs is quite romantic, but completely unrealistic and impractical. And the expectation is source of conflict for both parties.

    Most anyone who has had children has had the unhappy discovery that the randy little sex kitten you married (or were) nine months later doesn't seem to know what the word "sex" means. She is in kids mode now and her energy is rightfully on them.

    As is said in the Old Country, "Wives are for children. Lovers are for sex. Mistresses are for adventure."

    You are more normal than you know.

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    • BlueEyed
      12 years ago

      Wow, thank you for the thoughtful comment.

      I guess I'm just worried that the entire idea is "wrong", and I honestly am in utter shock that they would accept (and suggest!) the idea. I feel like a terrible person for even giving it a thinking-over, and not rejecting it fully yet.

      And for others that are reading, no, they're not interested in each other at all (in fact, they really quite despise each other). And they both really seem to see something in me, whatever it may be...

      Also, as for what you said about children, I'll admit I'm really not interested in having any (Neither is my boyfriend). I used to be quite into it when I was younger, but now I just see it as a sort of "brainwashing" idea that every woman must bear a child if she is able. I want to decide for myself, and right now I really don't feel any inclination for having children (besides my mother wanting to be a grandma, ugh). I think life for myself would be better with just me and him (possibly my girl friend as well).

      After talking it over some more with my boyfriend I've realized that we're so open to each other because we care, and we are so confident in our relationship that we know an addition won't change how we feel for one another. No one will be a third wheel.

      All in all, thank you for your comment. It makes me happy to know someone cares enough to give honest advice.

      -BlueEyed

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      • YBNORML
        12 years ago

        Hi Blue, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. You will do fine.

        On what level are you asking about right and wrong in this arrangement?
        Religious?
        Social/Cultural?
        Psychological?
        Inter-personal?
        Personal?

        Each one has a different answer.

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        • BlueEyed
          12 years ago

          Well, I'm definitely past the religious aspect because then I'd be thinking it wrong for a female such as myself to care for another female.

          I think it's mostly psychological, I don't know if it's right to put myself or either of them under the pressure. I don't know if it will work.

          Not to mention, I have my own fears and doubts, the main one being if either of them seeks a relationship with each other. I really, really fear that. Not that I want them all to myself, I just feel sick imagining them together. They both assure me they aren't interested (in fact, they used to be enemies, now accepting a friendship because of me and only me), but I know there could be a possibility of something developing between them if we were to all live together one day...maybe.

          I guess my fear is the idea of ever ending up alone. The fear is always there but with an additional person the fear seems more justified and more real, more possible.

          In the past, I used to cry myself to sleep because I couldn't decide which one I wanted to be with. My first love, my best friend, her- or the one that mended the broken pieces of my heart- him.

          At first, I chose her, but seeing how deeply in despair it put him, I chose him.. so honestly I don't know if I had chose him out of pity or fear he'd do something horrible.

          I think this is much more complicated than what I've just put here. I really have no one to share my thoughts with like this but them, and of course they can't really help me..

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          • YBNORML
            12 years ago

            It's hard to see how two enemies could get along under the same roof, especially doing it for someone else no matter how much they like or love you. Even friends often end up enemies living together. I guess I was surprised by the thought of all of you living together. I somehow pictured a scenerio where you lived with him and had a relationship with her outside the home. Bringing everyone together is going to not end well.

            I notice after your tears when you heart was clear you chose her. Then you abandoned your own desire/decision when you saw he was bummed. That isn't being true to yourself. There is also the issue of emotional blackmail you bring up. Even if you just made up the risk of him doing something horrible out of your own fear, you are allowing your fear to blackmail you.

            You have a lot of fear - you keep using the word. When you are clear on what you want, and chose it, you can do so without fear. At least if it all goes down in flames you know it was your choice. Not someone else's. you did it for your reasons, not someone else. If the choice didn't work out the way you hoped, well you learned something. But it was your choice. You were true to yourself.

            What would truly make you happy? Feel that good now.

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  • dom180
    12 years ago

    This has sitcom written all over it.

    Literally.

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    • BlueEyed
      12 years ago

      Perhaps we should get into the acting business? Maybe we'd make a lot of money.

      Jokes aside, I think you should read the long question & and answer on this page. It explains quite a bit more.

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  • Tancho
    12 years ago

    This sounds like a recipe for heartache and disaster to me...

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    • BlueEyed
      12 years ago

      That is quite possible... but there really is no way of knowing just yet.

      I'm willing to live my life happily with him and only him, yet he still says that if there is an opportunity to at least try it, and see what come of it.

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  • BlueEyed
    12 years ago

    EDIT: Also I would like to mention, that my boyfriend said that if I was with another man, he'd be jealous and hurt and upset.

    But a woman, he wouldn't feel any of those things. Perhaps that clarifies a bit more too?

    -BlueEyed

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    • [Old Memory]
      12 years ago

      That's pretty much what I've told my gf. I say go for it.

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      • BlueEyed
        12 years ago

        Thanks. :)

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  • Emerald33
    12 years ago

    He prolly thinks that's hot.

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    • BlueEyed
      12 years ago

      Maybe a little. Haha.

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  • tsunami
    12 years ago

    I dont know if it is normal but it certainly can cause problems if you expect them to be faithful, and if they are expected to be faithful they may end up resenting you for not being able to share them with another.. but i can totally understand the jealous feeling and how ideal it feels if you can maintain control over emotions, whats worse is knowing that you are living in a way that is something you expect from some one and dont have to apply to your own behavior can make you feel guilty and then suspicious. jealousy is a monster to those who are guilty of their own actions ,dang.. i think that ... insecurity is where it stems from and if all involved can accept it i think it is the ideal setting for a bi sexual who is semi possessive and a little insecure... at least it would be for me..cause i would feel the same way but most people don't think i am normal... sorry the comment probably doesn't help much

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    • BlueEyed
      12 years ago

      I guess the real question here is whether or not We're normal for even considering or talking so openly about this.

      He really doesn't want anyone but me, and I know he doesn't have some kind of wish to be with more than one person (hence his disinterest in my friend in the first place).

      You should go ahead and read the long question and answer here on my story page, maybe it will explain a bit more.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    Wouldn't worry me if my gf had a gf

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    • BlueEyed
      12 years ago

      Of course not. It's hot, right? Haha.

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      • [Old Memory]
        12 years ago

        Definitely hot Haha.

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