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Sometimes I'm so depressed that I get happy again by letting my depression take over me and stop fighting. Then when somebody asks, I tell them directly that I feel horrible and laugh at the same time, because I got used to feel depressed.
Is this normal?
I can relate to this so much. It's like you get so used to the feeling of not being good enough, and all those crummy self doubts and emotions, that you become content with the feeling that you're just an unhappy person, so you find it easy to store it.
Last night I was really upset about something, and at first I was really sad about it, but then I somehow turned it around to seem like a happy moment for me. I literally went from crying to laughing in a matter of seconds. I ended up staying up until 2 in the morning, kinda just sitting up in my bed, almost laughing about it. Really there was nothing good about the situation, but for some reason I made it out to be some kind of joke in my head. Well, maybe not a joke, but I honestly don't know how I did it, but I felt this big ball of energy inside of me like I had to laugh about it. It's hard to explain, but I think I get what you're saying.
I don't know. Maybe it's a way of hiding things. I think that sometimes when you're so close to reality, and you see things so clearly as they are, you purposely like to walk away/out of that, and into this imaginary world in your mind, that you've created yourself to cover up how hurt you are. And whether that means cracking jokes about what hurts you, or putting yourself down, by saying something like, "Yeah, I'm so dumb..." or "I can't do that!", etc. That mask becomes easy to put on and take off. And it's so much easier when the people around you don't know.
But it's really not good to hide pain. If you have someone to talk to about this, use it as an outlet. Sometimes if you have someone to talk to, it helps.