Is it normal to get bothered by receiving gifts i dont want?

65% Normal
5 Comments

I was raised in what my parents called a very "financially responsible" family. Their idea of that meant I can count the vacations we went on on one hand. Birthdays were hardly acknowledged and gifts for no reason were unheard of. This was how I was raised as a child (just to paint a picture of why Im very aware of price tags)

As an adult I prefer the simple joys of life and I will only buy something if I love it, need it, and I can get it on sale and when that happens Im sooo excited. I just prefer to save rather then have fancy things.

I noticed that when people buy me something I don't want I almost get upset about it. My mom used to say I was ungrateful b/c if she bought me something on Christmas that I didn't need or want I would just say "oh thanks" and look disappointed, which she takes as me being ungrateful. I think what I felt was you never buy me anything so why spend money on something I don't want or need instead of getting me something thoughtful that I will love, otherwise just save your money.

Im trying to figure out if this is some unworthy thing or my responsible side just dominating etc. But, I know it doesn't come from a mean place although it disappoints people and I feel genuinely upset afterwards. Then I feel guilty about tossing it or giving it away but I get annoyed having junk take up space.

Fast forward to now, my adult life. Yesterday was my 3 year anniversary and the traditional gift is leather. Each year I try to do something thoughtful as a keepsake for my husband with the traditional gift. Last year was cotton and my husband bought cotton spun paper and wrote me a letter and I loved it! I mentioned that next year I would love a leather bound notebook to hold all the love letters he gives me. In my mind Im envisioning this leather notebook, maybe imprinted with "Happy 3rd- 2014" that I could treasure forever.

I came home late last night after working two jobs (again that whole making/saving $$ thing!) Im on some medication for the time being that makes me really ill and I told him I didn't feel well. We had previously agreed to celebrate over the weekend but he was adamant on me opening the gift right now in the middle of eating dinner. I even turned and let him know his timing wasn't good but he was adamant.

The first gift was a rice cooker!? My immediate thoughts were really, its too hard to boil rice in a pot? Where are we going to store this? I just told you about we needed to cut back on rice. Out loud I said "Ok, cool." I mean come on, am I supposed to get excited about a rice cooker?

He wrote me a really nice letter which I loved and started to cry!

Third I opened a big amazon box (wrapped in my xmas paper - annoying) and inside was some big red leather purse looking thing. Immediately when I see its a purse I think oh great he spent a boatload of money on something I don't need b/c he last minute needed a leather gift. Then I think oh no, I hate his taste and bags are so personal. Then, oh no and its red! And then he says "its a laptop bag." I ask "how would this fit a laptop?" He said it fits in there. Then I asked "but what about my notebook and other things I need?" Immediately he gets upset and throws a fit that its a genuine leather bag. I ask "did you spend a lot?" And he answers it a $600 bag that I got for $150.

At that point I get so frustrated. First I think OK so an amazon seller is selling a $600 bag for only $150 and you think its real? Second I think and now were going to have to pay all this money to ship it back, and then I feel upset that he even bought me this gift, which in turn caused him to be upset with me and start telling me "hes never buying me a gift again...blah blah"

Im still really bothered by it and trying to figure out why. I think it may be because 1) I suspected he waited until the last minute and then just needed something, which in turn led to him overspending on something frivolous (suspicion confirmed when amazon showed he bought it the day before) 2) I would have preferred the thoughtful $25 notebook I could keep forever 3) We just have some big financial burdens right now so Im out working 2 jobs and hes buying things like this (my purse doesn't even cost this much) 4) Maybe I just feel like he doesn't get me. Its not that I couldn't use a laptop bag but I would prefer to have one that fits my needs and I would never ever pick a red bag. Mostly though I would have been happy with the simple thoughtful notebook that I could keep forever.

Should I have just faked that I liked the bag and started using it and just figured $150 was worth not hurting his feelings?

Anyone have ideas as to why this bothered me so much?

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65% Normal
Based on 17 votes (11 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • Yffe.Wahs
    9 years ago

    I haven't voted because it seems like you have a few connected issues.

    Firstly, 'financially responsible' doesn't necessarily mean it's good to not acknowledge birthdays. That's a separate thing. Being frugal on birthdays fine, but not acknowledging them is different.

    Not finding a way to show gratitude even when you're disappointed is kind of mean. Unless it is blatantly obvious that there has been no effort put in (ie it's NOT JUST something different than you would have gotten, or from something you mentioned, but is last minute, completely broken with no care, actually supposed to be for someone else, particularly stupid in a certain situation etc) then the person should be thanked for their time and effort at least. People aren't psychic and so, no matter what you want or need, sometimes you just won't get it.

    That said, it IS nice to always put wants and needs ahead of something they personally find good...but you have no idea if they've used this thought process or if they've just gotten it wrong.

    It's completely normal to get rid of things you don't want or need, and not keeping things simply for sentimentality etc. Always try to find it a new home though, and not just throw it away.

    As for your specific story of the folder and rice cooker.
    Do you remember everything your husband told you last year? I don't think it's fair to expect him to remember what you wanted a year later! If you wanted it that badly, why not bring it up closer to the occasion?
    Also, building up an exact image in your mind is only ever going to lead to disappointment, even if you got the item you asked for.

    You not feeling well.....you were well enough to eat a meal...maybe he just wanted to make you feel better by giving you gifts? Maybe he was a little pushy, but that's, again, a different issue. If he's usually like this, it's a character flaw that you already accepted. If he's NOT usually like this, then let it go, he'll have thought it was for a good reason.

    I kind of agree with you on the rice cooker, I don't like receiving appliances I haven't specifically yearned for...but then if I DO receive something, I won't just seeth and think of all the things /I/ think about it, I'll make sure to ask why THEY thought to buy it.
    Maybe he misheard you about rice?
    Or misunderstood the reasons?
    Maybe he thinks it IS better than using a pan?
    Did you ask?
    Maybe he had an awesome reason you didn't think of.
    Or had a reason which was awesome to him, even if misunderstood.

    The bag; He specifically mentioned a laptop. Do you regularly use a laptop?
    I'm not sure why he would have mentioned this had it not been one of his reasons for buying it, so you should, again, ask for the reasons HE had. You even said yourself that you could use one. It is DEFINITELY a little harsh to be told something good about a gift and then turn and say "what about all this bad stuff?" (what about my notebook) that IS rude and I think he had every right to be upset with that.

    The fact that he has still stuck to the theme of the anniversary is nice, at least. Not many people actually do this and you should definitely think about the fact that he either remembered, or has set up some way of BEING reminded and has tried to get something connected with it.

    The buying it the day before...yeah that looks kind of unthoughtful...but again, you don't KNOW this. He could have been looking for something perfect the whole time...the whole YEAR even...but never found anything until the bag, or settled because he didn't want to disappoint you. I think I'm just trying to reiterate that you NEED to know the other person's intentions before getting huffy about them.

    The fact that the bag wasn't genuine is neither here nor there...that's A: an assumption on your part, Amazon regularly has things much cheaper than you'd think, plus if it's STILL so expensive you're willing to complain about money, I'm pretty sure it's not cheap enough to be fake. And B: the truth doesn't really compare with his intentions. Again.

    The cost of the bag if you are having money issues is definitely an issue. But instead of being rude or huffy, treat your husband the way you should be treating someone you want to spend your life with...and talk to him about it. Tell him why you don't think it was a good idea and ask him why he thought it was. Again.

    You don't have to fake absolute happiness, but you should definitely find a better way to discuss things with people and stop assuming they know your every whim!

    It IS normal to want to save money.
    It ISN'T normal to think everyone will always get everything 100% perfect for you.
    (Ask people how well you do with their gifts)

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    • hiya1
      9 years ago

      Thank you for your response. You gave me some really good points to think about. I guess ultimately it doesn't matter why I feel a certain way about gifts, but rather how I respond and make someone else feel.

      I really appreciated your response. So would you suggest I handled it more like this. "Oh, its a laptop bag b/c I started my new business, that was really thoughtful. Thanks for thinking of me." (kiss) Then later try to put my stuff in it and if it doesn't fit gently say "You know I love this bag, but Im afraid it doesn't fit all my supplies. Would it hurt your feeling terribly if we returned it?"

      Then maybe later down the road (when I brought this up last night he was heated) we re-discuss how we had discussed initially wanting to keep up the traditional gifts but being more sentimental rather then big ticket items and that really what is most important to me is just a letter.

      You reminded me of a good point...someone may forget what you did but they will never forget how you made them feel! Thank you!

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  • Yffe.Wahs
    9 years ago

    The examples you've just given sound really good!

    I've just reread my original comment and it sounded a little harsh in places...I didn't mean it to come across like that, so if it did I'm sorry!

    Good luck with everything! x

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  • thegypsysailor
    9 years ago

    Your post is way too long to read through, but the first line kinda got me. What is "very financially responsible" about not taking family vacations? Why isn't time away from work and the every day headaches, with your family, a responsible thing to do? Doesn't it promote a tighter knit family unit and relieve stress for the adults? IMO, taking vacations from a humdrum (and in your case, perhaps an extremely impoverished life) makes sense, even if it's just camping in a tent without any luxuries at a national park, not far from home. I think you are a bit confused about life and the pleasures available, that do not revolve around money. Money may be a necessary evil to survive, but it should not be your whole goal and desire in life.

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    • hiya1
      9 years ago

      I agree that vacation is important and good for the soul! As an adult I hike, camp, spend time at the beach etc. My parents happened to find it less important so I missed such things growing up.

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