Is it normal to feel this way about your partner?

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30 Comments

I have a boyfriend and we've been together for almost two years. I love him for how much he genuinely loves and cares about me. I never had that before him. At first he wasn't my type but I realized I was doing the mistake that a lot of girls do. Because they're not their type, they just consider them as a "good friend." I was about to do that but I told myself Im going to go against that. SO I gave him a chance and it was the best decision ever. Like I said, he cares and loves me and I appreciate him so much for that. As time went by, he grew on me as a person and of course got to know him. I discovered major traits that I cannot deal with. He is: stubborn, egotistic, insecure on some levels, immature on some levels, lazy sometimes, and maybe a little more. I cannot stand it and I have confronted him which has impacted our relationship. Changing a stubborn person is one of the hardest things to do, though. So he has not changed and his ego minded self will always go on top of his feelings. He puts out like whatever he thinks is right so if I warn him Im going to break up with him, he feels as if he'll be okay as long as he is fine. I know I said he cares about me but thats the thing is his ego mind sometimes takes over his real feelings of caring. And sometimes he just lets go and admits how he really feels how much he loves me, and so on. I don't know if its because I gave in during an argument or I said something he wants to hear. I don't know...sometimes I get confused and I don't wanna be confused cause Ive been satisfied with how he makes me feel. So the question is, do I break up with him? because his traits are making such an impact? or do I stay with him because we love each other and we'll work out those problems as much as we can? Im in the position right now to give him an answer. There are other guys tho especially one who is my type more but I'm afraid he won't give me what my bf has given me and thats the love, caring, and comfort.

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70% Normal
Based on 33 votes (23 yes)
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Comments ( 30 )
  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    Anyone who thinks they can change someone is being a fucking idiot. Nobody can change anyone but themselves.

    In any relationship you have to look at the persons worst traits in you opinion and decide if you can deal with them or not. If you can't then there's no point.

    NEVER expect someone to change.

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    • dirtybirdy
      10 years ago

      Can we at least expect them to change their underwear? Socks?? Come on!!!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Ya and I didn't mention this but he wants me to change a few things about me when he acts like everything is fine with him. He wants me to be more conservative on his terms. We've broken up before but we are starting again and I'm so much better than I use to be but according to him I have to be like some robot and not enjoy my life. It's annoying that he thinks hes fine. He might be fine on his terms but he has to change a few qualities as well. So he's trying to change me but on his terms and I'm trying to change him for the better and he doesn't get it. I motivated him to get into a university and get a job and he did. But he quit his job cause he "doesn't have time" cause of school. I just want him to be more active so overall change for the better.

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      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        You have a lot to learn.
        If he doesn't think he has to change, which it seems he doesn't, he wont.
        He will continue to want to change you and act how he wants.
        Why don't you find someone who likes you the way you are? Nobody should change for someone else.
        Your relationship is meaningless.

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  • Sumi
    10 years ago

    "SO I gave him a chance and it was the best decision ever" - Sure you know your type? In the sense that it seems he was your type and you did not recognize it.

    Btw "stubborn, egotistic, insecure on some levels, immature on some levels, lazy sometimes, and maybe a little more." Sounds like most guys. Sure this out of control ego isn't trying to protect him from .. .um ... well you?

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    • AbnormallyAwesome
      10 years ago

      I agree. I don't know the OP but it sounds as if she's just expects him to make her happy but isn't really trying to make him happy aswell. The out of control ego and his stubbornness may be just what's left of his individuality.

      So if the OP is thinking about moving on to her backup guy, she should not only ask herself wether he can give her what she wants but also what she wants to give him.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        10 years ago

        One of the reasons why I like the other guy is because he will offer me something different. He's different from my bf in the sense that he's more active, and mature. I feel like I'll feel more involved in life than how I am with my bf which we both do our own thing but I'm a little more open. But I'm afraid what I want with the other guy isn't reality and I have to take it seriously before I just jump to him and lose something I won't have again.

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        • AbnormallyAwesome
          10 years ago

          I'm sure it's a tough desition.
          But appart from security or adventure... Do you truly love one of these men? Can you embrace one of them with all their flaws and accept them for who they are? And can you be yourself and have your flaws around them?

          Should you come to the conclusion that you do not love your boyfriend if he doesnen't change, it would probably be best for both of you if you tell him. Work things out now before you marry or even have children.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Wait so that last part where you say his egotistical self cause he's protecting himself from me, what are you trying to say ? That I shouldn't take that trait so seriously since it might be all cause of insecurities and fears? basically it's not really him?

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      • Sumi
        10 years ago

        "The purpose of ego defence mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety and/or social sanctions and/or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope." -Freud the coke head.

        The goal, should be, for most people to reach a certain level of self-actualization. Look up Maslow's hierarchy of needs it helps in visualizing missing pieces in a persons life.

        Anyway your question has nothing to do with him - What are you looking for?

        It sounds like you made up your mind before coming to this site. Instead of flipping a coin you posted an article. No one can tell you what this other guy can bring you. All we know is you think he was the best choice you ever made, you can not stand to be with your best choice, and this guy is probably sheltering his short falls because the girl he is deeply in love with is ripping him apart.

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        • Sumi
          10 years ago

          Had to add this because I realized my bias after posting:

          I was in a deeply loving relationship with a beautiful fiery southern girl in college. Spent one summer apart working and it was all gone. It started with "what are you doing with your life?" 0_0 she killed it for a crush she had. Six years later we are still friends she asks why we were not dating now that I have a professional job/bmw/apt.... and she can't even find a guy that will stay. I would have married that sexy lady hands down. Don't trust that bitch one bit now.

          Just make the best choice and take the consequences with that choice. It is what makes us human.

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  • TwoThumbs
    10 years ago

    The fact that there is another guy is pretty shitty. You're in a relationship. There should be no other guy. Strangely....I've noticed women tend to do this more than men. Before they are ready to leave they tend to need to have a prospect lined up. Why? If you're getting out of a relationship...You need to be single and connected to noone for a while, otherwise you are not going to deal with the ending of the previous relationship appropriately....healthily. Being alone lets you reestablish who you are...your OWN identity. Also...having a guy lined up while you're currently in a relationship is morally bankrupt.

    That aside. Be grow throughout the course of a relationship. You either grow together or apart. You cannot change him but you can be honest during not heated times about your feelings. Find a smart and non aggressive way to express your feelings. "When we are having a disagreement or argument...you almost never give in. In the future when we are disagreeing can we take a step back in write down our feelings and talk about them so that we can both express what's on our mind?". He'll likely attempt to meet you in the middle....and it may not work the first time or two...but if he tries...even if its unsuccessful...you can let him know...you'd like to continue to try it until it is successful.

    That said. I'd love to see what he thinks about you having other prospects...I imagine that would end the relationship right there. If you're doing something behind someone's back that could end the relationship if your significant other found out...you're being shady. Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship at all right now?

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  • myboyfriendsbitch
    10 years ago

    Any guy is going to have certain negative traits that drive you crazy, just like you probably do a few things to drive him crazy. Is it possible that you are stubborn too?

    It could also be that you are the type of person who gets tired of people. If that's the case then your problem will not go away just by switching men. You will eventually get tired of all of them. If you haven't dated much you might not realize that yet.

    I strongly suggest a break, especially if you haven't dated other people. You need to step back to look at the whole picture to understand what you truly want. Think about it carefully because you don't want to get stuck with him wondering what could have been. You also don't want to lose him and always wonder what could have been.

    I closely relate to this and I have reached the point of no return. It's been nearly 10 years invested in my egotistical, stubborn, insecure boyfriend. Sometimes it feels like everything's perfect and other times I feel like I'm in a prison. With or without him, I feel like something is missing. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that I will not get bored with him like I did with other guys I dated, even guys that made my life more eventful and did whatever I wanted to do. We've taken many breaks so I know I will always end up craving him and wanting him back, wanting to give it another try. I feel like I'm taking a huge risk by committing to this relationship; I've been wondering a lot lately if I'm not just wasting my time. It freaks me out to know I have only one life and I could be making the wrong decision, living for someone else's happiness. I think this is more of a bad phase than anything and I think I'm a little depressed right now. I plan on persevering through this in hopes that it will all be worth it in the end and I will have someone to die with and share a love that few experience. It is hard work, but you reap what you sow, or so they say.

    Take as much time as you need with or without him. Then, at least whatever decision you make will be a well-informed one.

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      Oh boy. I guess I gotta be the one to tell you, you are wasting your life :(

      Basically what you have is an extended friends with benefits situation which you are codependent on so you keep running back to because it's safe/familiar. It's easy sex/companionship and you've programmed yourself to do so by repetitive behavior and he's stringing you along using you.

      "We've taken many breaks so I know I will always end up craving him and wanting him back, wanting to give it another try."

      At least you realize you've doomed any other relationships you'd try with another man.
      As long as you're using this guy (and he you) as a security blanket you'll probably never have a real relationship with anyone else. He'll always be in the back of your mind and you'll just be waiting for an excuse to cheat or break up with whatever other guy you're dating or married to.

      Wake up, this guy is using you. You're the little girl that won't go away so he can play with other girls any time he wants and if he actually falls in love with another girl, you're done. In the meantime he says I need a 'break'.

      When a guy really likes a girl there's mostly never a 'break'. No, he works through the issues with her and tries to save his relationship.

      A break means the relationship failed and the person asking for the break wants to fuck someone else and move on. Sometimes the other person also wants to breakup too but it's usually because of the arguing and not getting along because the person wanting to take the break wants out or the right to fuck someone else.

      Guys often tell girls they need a 'break' or 'space' because they want to keep that door open for fucking her later if they can't get a new girl they like more. Be sure if he actually falls in love with a girl you're done. Sure he may still come by and use your pussy once in a while cheating on his now wife but hey WHYNOT you like it. He'll tell you he's confused, she does't get me the way you do, maybe he made a mistake, he misses you so much, blah blah blah, etc.

      You see if the same guy said he wants to break up with you and it's 'OVER' then he never gets to fuck you again typically because you'd move on and close that door emotionally. Then you'd be available for another guy and you'd find one and the FWB is out of luck.

      But a 'break' is psychologically different and he's stringing you along :
      It falsely lets you believe that at some point in the future he will finally come around and commit to you *forever* cause
      'Darling I've finally realized YOU'RE THE ONE! YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!' It's only taken me 60 years and fucking 580 girls besides you to figure it out, but hey! NOW WE'RE FINALLY TOGETHER!'

      OH JOY!

      Look, people know who they want to be in long term relationships pretty quickly and they try to protect and save those relationships because they are important to them. People also have a damn good idea if that's the person they want to marry or be with 'forever' if you've known each other for a couple of years.

      The person asking for the break knows it's over and they often have someone else already lined up but they are being selfish and using you by keeping you waiting in the wings as a backup.

      Don't ruin your life doing the stupid FWB thing and that's what you've got here.

      "Honey I think we need to take a break. I'm confused :( I'm not happy anymore I don't know what I want right now. I need some space and rethink this."
      Yah... You know where my break is?
      Inside a high school cheerleader's pussy.

      Oh FUN! and hey WHY NOT? I know the sucker, opps I mean girl I'm taking a break from can't say shit cause i'm on 'break' AND she said she'll be waiting for me!!! YES! I can't lose. I get to fuck whoever I want and keep this sucker I mean FWB for my entire life! I bet I can even marry a girl and keep this FWB! Wow.

      You're smart enough to know you are wasting your life with this guy and you should keep your legs, mouth and heart closed from him (break all communications) and find a guy that really loves and appreciates you. Seriously you sound codependent and it's not healthy for you. Watch you click 10 to 15 years of your life away on this idiot that's using you.

      Because you're a girl you're wasting your looks on this stupid guy and by the time you finally wake up your stock will be very low because you're so much older and look it. At that point that means your choice of guys is most likely bottom feeders.

      You're blowing it.

      It's pretty sad actually.

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    • TwoThumbs
      10 years ago

      I've been with my wife 7 years. And not once has it felt like prison. If I were looking for a sign to leave someone...and I maybe had described our relationship at any point using the word "prison"...I might have found a sign :/.

      All relationships... partners, friends, family go through ups and downs. But if it feels like you are trapped at times...you should maybe heed your own advice. Sounds like maybe its scary to leave because you're afraid you won't find anyone better. Maybe I'm wrong but....wow. this doesn't sound like this is a very healthy situation.

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      • myboyfriendsbitch
        10 years ago

        Like i said I'm just depressed. Drunk now.... My boyfriend isn't the only reasoni feel trapped, it's his family and he's trapped too, but seems to have just accepted it. But you may be right.

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  • dirtybirdy
    10 years ago

    Its time to move on. Its time to get goin'. What lies ahead, I have no way of knowin'.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      But it's not that easy...what if imma lose something great?

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  • dybex
    10 years ago

    o He's immature. *** "He's wasn't my type."

    o He's insecure. *** "There are other guys tho especially one who is my type..."

    o He's egotistic *** "Changing a stubborn person is one of the hardest things to do."

    Just saying.

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  • Sog
    10 years ago

    "He is: stubborn, egotistic, insecure on some levels, immature on some levels, lazy sometimes, and maybe a little more."

    You've just described every man who's ever walked this earth. No one out there is going to be perfect. A big part of relationships is finding out the best way to deal with other people's imperfections.

    Without being in your shoes, it's hard to say whether or not you're being reasonable. But my guess is that you've set the bar unrealistically high for this poor guy. As long as he keeps telling you that he loves you in the end, I think you should be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Consider yourself lucky that you have that.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    If you think he will change for you..well just keep dreaming sweet cakes. Maybe you have a "type" for a reason and you should have followed your first instinct in the first place. It seems like you kind of already know what you want to do. So just do it.

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  • Shroot
    10 years ago

    Dat wall.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    love him like he's the last man on earth

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  • MissesAnonymous23
    10 years ago

    Well now there's a choice; are his traits small enough that you can look past them and still love him as a person? Or do they get in the way of the relationship? My boyfriend is the same way, we've been together for 2 and a half years. It's easy for me to look past because he has so many other traits. Try focusing on the other parts of him; if it doesn't get noticeably better, I would say take a break first! Sometimes breaks can make couples stronger because they don't realize what they have until they're on the verge of losing it. Good luck :)

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  • Terence_the_viking
    10 years ago

    garbled code unable to decipher need to upgrade software system meltdown.

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  • RoseIsabella
    10 years ago

    *makes a squeaky fart*

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    • shuggy-chan
      10 years ago

      Girls don't fart <=O

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      • NotStrangeBird
        10 years ago

        They poot talcum powder.

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  • Sumi
    10 years ago

    P.S. Not trying to be an asshole just spinning the idea to look at a different angle ;)

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  • (s)aint
    10 years ago

    In all honesty, when it gets that far that he annoys you and refuses to meet you halfway, dump his ass.
    Been there, done that.

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