Is it normal to feel this frustrated?
I'm a 19 year old girl, who's feeling excessively frustrated about many different things. What could a 19 year old have dealt with by this stage in her life?
some back story:
My first sexual experience was on australia day when i was 14. I was raped by a man 9 years older than me. i was also raped by another man at another location the following year- i went a bit silly after that i didnt tell my family what was going on for reasons i cant explain, but i started a spiral of self abuse. I don't just mean cutting up my wrists, i was using drugs, drinking, having various sexual encounters, and i really didn't care because i was just hoping i wouldn't wake up. My home life was very rocky, alot of anger, and abuse in the household - although my mother loves me dearly, i disagree with alot of her parenting, but she did alright given the circumstances.
I moved out of home for a while which just lead to alot more drug use, and i was starting to fail my final year of highschool. i decided that i didnt want to fail.. and that if i did fail it was my fault so i tried to clean my act up.
So now I'm 19, i'm addicted to Marijuana, i need to smoke every day to function and not get the sweats. I have a lovely boyfriend of nearly 2 years, although I'm always terrified he'll leave me... I'm sexually frustrated - I cant orgasm, I cant make myself orgasm - sex feels good.. but doesn't make me orgasm. and i wonder if this is because of my past. . Most of the time i don't feel like theres enough in the world to live for, particularly the last 6 months I've been feeling really down. I feel sad most of the time, i cry often - up to several times a day.
so overall - i have sexual frustration, i find it hard to go out... i feel as though i have developed some trust issues, i'm terrified of being alone (not just relationship wise i don't like being alone i feel too vulnerable)so is this normal - or what are some suggestions on dealing with my frustration? thanks