Is it normal to feel sorry for my abuser?

63% Normal
13 Comments

I recently left my husband after 3 years of on and off physical and verbal abuse. He spent two weeks in prison for his last offence and now is out and on the streets with no money, friends, job or life. He had a wife, two gorgeous kids and was the stay at home parent, he had it made and now he has nothing. It's been nearly 3 months since our seperation and he still can't pick himself up and get a job etc. All I can feel is this overwhelming feeling of sympathy for him. He has lost EVERYTHING. Even his own family have given up on him and even though I know full well he got himself in the position he's in I just feel so sad for him. There is a nice guy there under the years of drug abuse, alcoholism and depression because I fell in love with a wonderful man and a good father. He gave up everything, drink, smoking, drugs without me ever asking him to and despite his efforts to be a better person he's rock bottom. I'm not crazy right? It is sad? Noone deserves to be suck a screw up in life? How do people get there in the first place? It just happened before my eyes.

Voting Results
63% Normal
Based on 46 votes (29 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • TimeTrial
    12 years ago

    We all make choices in life and we ALL have to live by them. No exceptions. That being said alcoholism is a terrible disease, just because he's nit drinking doesn't mean the disease isn't still manifesting itself in other areas. Read Bill W's story.

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    • lsuccv
      12 years ago

      Yeah, my mother in law has spent lots of time in Alanon since we split. I did realise the alcoholism is a disease and I was willing to support him and work the program with him. I quit drinking when he did and I was always an open ear. Is being abusive part of an alcoholics disease then? Will they stop doing it just by working the program? My gut tells me no but I'm still interested to find out what others have to say.

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  • moomus
    12 years ago

    He made his bed, let him lie in it

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  • Chillpill
    12 years ago

    have you heard of Stockholm syndrome? From what you've described this might be a possible explanation. I'm no expert, but you could try to find more detailed information under this key word online and see if it applies to you and how to deal with it.

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  • ThinkAboutIt68
    12 years ago

    You are just a good human being if you truly feel sorry for someone who caused you such pain. It isn't exactly normal, but it is right.

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  • lsuccv
    12 years ago

    Thank you all for your comments. I always thought I'd just stop loving him, I guess I forgot to consider that my emoitons would still be there but in a different form. How odd that the emoiton I feel is pity above all others.

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  • Oli
    12 years ago

    Someone beat me to the punch, I was going to say Stockholm Syndrome.

    But, another explanation is that you fell in love with him, you made love and shared a life, of course you're going to feel something, until you finally feel nothing.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    I think you've grown so much from the experience that you can pity your enemy. Good job. Don't help him, though. He made his bed so let him lie in it.

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  • flax
    12 years ago

    You may be experiencing these emotions due to your previous emotional attachment to him - plus, he is the father of your children (I'm assuming) and will always be a part of your life even if it is in an indirect way. I say your emotional response can be considered normal but just be aware of not letting these emotions take you off guard.

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  • petawawacouple69
    12 years ago

    Obviously you'll pitty him, you loved/love the guy, if he's ruined your obviously going to feel bad for the guy. Totally normal, the really question is how could you not figure this out on your own.

    You pitty him even more because he's clean now and it makes it harder. If he was still a drunk, attic and abuser you wouldn't pitty him so much.

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  • lsuccv
    12 years ago

    I'm definately not going back, it's been hard enough leaving and raising my kids on my own and getting a routine down. I wouldn't put myself or my kids through that again. As for him making his bed and lying in it, as true as that is don't you think it's sad that there are people out there that can create such a horrible world for themselves?

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  • Tisgranum
    12 years ago

    Just makes no sense to put yourself in misery to give him back a little bit of what he lost though. Please do think of yourself before offering him a helping hand.

    The guy was bad to you and probably still will be if you let him back in your life.

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  • lsuccv
    12 years ago

    Hmmm very interesting, thank you.

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