Is it normal to feel nothing and care for no one but myself

I don't care about anyone. If any of my family members die I feel nothing and when everyone hugs me crying their eyes out I feel incredibly uncomfortable and I'm unresponsive to people's touch. I have to fake sympathy, and fake giving two fucks.

I don't care if friends or anyone around me dies. I don't need socialisation with others at all and can spend months not speaking to anyone. In fact I don't even have friends.
I don't care about immoral things like rape, murder etc. In fact I'd love to murder. I often have thoughts of torturing animals and skinning them alive as well as people. Except I wouldn't because I'd get caught most likely. So when people go on about rape and shit like that I'm so indifferent. Tbh the more people dislike it the more I want to rape them to shut them up.

I have such a good mask sometimes I nearly believe it if it wasn't for the fact I don't feel anything. I can't remember the last time I cared for someone. Ever since a child I've had problems connecting with people. I simply learned other people's behaviour and copied it to the point I auto-pilot.

I care about myself. I love myself a lot. I think I'm incredible, and would sacrifice friends and family in a heart beat to save myself. I can't really love anyone. Or care for anyone, but if I could marry myself I would.

I know I'm mentally ill, because no one acts the way I do and I can't relate to anyone's behaviour. I'm tired of being so empty. I mean I like it, but at the same time I'm tired of masking. Whenever I got referred to a psychologist as a child I just manipulated, lied and left. I have no interest in being changed. I like me.

I tend to watch people being murdered and gore which makes me very sadistic and bloodthirsty and my head goes all blank and I want to act out. However, at the same time it helps me.

Pretty sure I may have more than one thing wrong with me. I want to be diagnosed but I also don't because it will ruin my reputation and can be used against me.

I wasn't always so... sick in the head. I mean I was. But I wasn't this apathetic. I mean I was. Basically when I was a child I had multiple personalities in my head. Like I would lose memory and then someone else would take over and the people were cruel. I guess from trauma and abuse and a lack of parenting or love. There was still good in me back then. That part used to call out for help. Then when we got the appointment with the psychologist she was pushed down and we said we were fine. Well. "I was fine." But it died completely a few years ago. I merged. I no longer have any personalities. It's silent in my head. But I'm also left... just nothing but a monster.

But I've always had a part of me since birth that just couldn't connect understand or feel anything others felt. I wanted to hurt them. Often had dreams of being murdered or murdering other people since I came out of the cot to be honest. I know that I was in care, and there's a file filled with reports of abuse.

I guess now I'm basically a narcissistic psychopath. But I'm not qualified to diagnose myself as that. Is there anyway to be diagnosed but not go to a psychologist?