Is it normal to feel like im not right for him, anymore?

I've been with him for almost four years now, and i feel depressed at thw fact that his love for me is undeserving. Our first six months were bliss, but everything after that was disappointment after disappointment. I started going outto the bar and coming home drunk, qnd inviting my friends along to drink more (mostly on weekends) and keep him up all night. He's done nothing but do everything to make me happy. Whether it was skip out on work to come to the club, just see me happy and smiling. We were like those sickly lovers you saw obiously being affectionate and charming togwther.

He then grew tired of it. I was being selfish and always wanting him to come out, instead of just relaxing and playing video games or watching mo ies together. It led to our first real argument.

See, hes the kind of man who will tell you exactly the truth because he cannot lie, even if it hurts you. Its not in his nature to feelbad, because it is right by him. He's been hurt countless times before, and he only wants me to realize how I'm treating him and making him feel. And i make him feel like the bad guy, everytime.
Fast forward a couple of years. I had some progress, I stopped going out every weekend and spending time and getting know this intelligent, witty, sweet and caring man.
Then another problem comes along, and it makes me feel like a piece of shit becausw I dont always think how he wouls feel when acting on something. Ive started regressing. I became jealous and spiteful. I make him angry all the time and he only gets angry when i fail to understand the severity of the situation. My memory fails me, and most of the time i forget his advice from previous conversations because i only tKe the bad from the good, and its pissing him off.

We've broken up twice before, and his patien is wearing thin. He wants children, but i dont want to have any until our problems are resolved. I feel like the shittiest girlfdiend. Scratch that, i feel like the worst person to ever have come into his life. He atill proves his love for me, but i dont show him anything. How do i begin to prove that i am in fact his girlfriend?