Is it normal to feel like i'm disgusting?

100% Normal
2 Comments

I'm currently living with my partner or I guess my expartner. We have a son together. We have had a really rocky relationship, I'm a 25(F), and him a 29(M). We have been together 4 years (we broke it off for about 8 months).
I won't give total detail into what happened throughout our relationship but just know that it was bad, and for a while it seemed it wouldn't work between us. After our break up I realized a few things and so did he, He had a new job and invited me to look for apartments with him... we got a place together in April this year, our son is going to be 2 in July. I've been depressed and checked out for a while because a tragedy happened within my family. So it took a lot for me to move my son and I in with my (ex)partner. We moved from 5 hours away and just 2 weeks ago finally got all our stuff into this apartment. I went out 2 weeks ago, it was a last minute type of thing, a concert... It's been a while since I've gone out. Well when I got home we had a huge awful argument, some pretty awful things got said, stuff got broken (well one thing a cup), and I tried to walk out of the apartment but he woukdnt let me. After that argument he doesn't want to be with me anymore, fair enough... But he says he loves me and is in love with me... for the first 3 days after that he was still kissing me, still having sex with me, but then he goes cold and won't want me near him, won't let me hold his hand.... then he gets warm again and hugs me out of no where, kisses me, unlocks the door when I'm showering to come jump in the shower with me (no sex)... I'm so completely torn up and confused.. I thought maybe he was just saying that he "didn't want to be with me" in the heat of the moment. But he expects me to start packing me and our sons things. This has completely broken my heart, I cry all the time. I look at my son and I can't help but apologize to him for coming here in the first place, for getting in that big argument.. ect... I really don't want to go, but I understand I have to, i can't force someone to be with me.. But he keeps giving me hope by saying he's still thinking about it... But then says "we are broken up". I feel like a total fool, I fought so hard for this it's extremely hard to let go... all the memories keep flashing through my mind, And he's right there everyday I wake up in the same bed as him, but I can't touch him and if I try get rejected or its one sided and that hurts. I also hate to move back in with my parents... I spent over 6000$ moving in here with him (damage deposit, furniture, food ECT.. .) I dont have any other options right now but to move back in with my parents. I just feel like I took a step forward and got pushed 5 steps back. Can anyone relate..? Is this normal...?

Voting Results
100% Normal
Based on 1 vote
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 2 )
  • Boojum
    5 years ago

    First, your son is only two. In a few years (or even months), he will have forgotten all about this interlude. It won't have any effect on him in the long-term, but what would definitely screw him up is growing up watching his mother and father trying to live together and love each other, and failing miserably at it. You made an attempt to give your son a model nuclear family, and that failed, but a two year-old won't have any real understanding of what's going on, and you don't need to apologise to him.

    A cynical, suspicious person might read what you wrote about your partner's behaviour as indicating he's a manipulative, selfish person who's messing with your head as a power game. The abrupt change in his mood, and the on-again, off-again thing is particularly suspicious.

    However, it could be that he's just seriously confused about what the hell he wants. That would be excusable if he was twenty, but at his age he should have some idea about the sort of life he wants, he should be able to make commitments, and he should have the maturity to be willing to do his best to stick to them, whatever that takes on his part.

    Whatever is going on in his head, it sounds like you're in a toxic relationship. I think you'd be wise to move on, and you'd be even smarter to never again even consider trying to live with the guy. You've done that, and it didn't work, so you'd have to be crazy to even try again. We all make mistakes, and you made one when you moved in with him, but it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean you're a horrible person. Accept that wishful thinking got the better of you, learn from this, and move forward.

    Wherever you live, your son needs and deserves to have a mother who feels good about herself and the relationship she's in.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
  • Nickvey
    5 years ago

    this is the bastard you picked to father your only son in the one god damn fucking life you were granted. glory fucking hallelujah. you are not taking anyone's advice are you.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0