Is it normal to feel like i am carrying all the burden of pregnancy?

65% Normal
15 Comments

When you're young, your mum never complained about how hard you were to carry and what she went through to have you. I fell pregnant and ended up being ectopic, so I went from keeping the baby to not keeping the baby.

My pregnancy was hard, I was sick day and night and just uncomfortable for 8 weeks straight while studying at college. I found out I was ectopic and had to go through with termination, and I have felt my partner hasn't had to deal with anything. He seems so fine, and I am trying to keep everything all together and now our relationship is really rocky. I have felt like from the beginning since I bought that pregnancy test, everything was on me. Every choice I made I had to wear full responsibility, I even had to tell his family I was terminating because he hadn't told them and his mum was preparing to be a grandmother. My heart is so broken and torn, I feel loss and grief, my body hurts and he is okay and he won't try and understand or have compassion. Is it normal? This is my first pregnancy and loss. I now know why women make these choices alone, you go through so much and I don't think anyone would ever understand unless you've been through it.

(For those who are anti-abortion, no woman has a termination because she WANTS to. Nobody wants an abortion, it's not an easy way out so say what you will.)

Voting Results
65% Normal
Based on 55 votes (36 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    Aww.

    I am very sorry that this had to happen to you.

    Even the Catholic Church believes abortion in the case of etopic pregancy is acceptable.

    First of all, it's (practically) impossible to go through with an etopic pregnancy. No one should say anything mean to you. Second of all, it's completely legal to abort a baby. And in my personal opinion, if a woman wants to get an abortion, no one should say anything mean to her.

    Third... Does your partner know how you feel? Have you spoken to him? Maybe he is not fully aware.

    If he is, well, at least you know what to expect in the future. These things hurt in the moment, but, it hurts a lot worse to pretend they don't exist in the grand scheme of things.

    Maybe you could try some grief counseling or therapy.

    I wish I had more to say. You need like, your family to hug you, and cry with you.

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  • ProseAthlete
    10 years ago

    I am so sorry you're dealing with such loss along with the physical changes your body's going through.

    Bluntly, he's not being much of a partner if he's leaving you to deal with all this by yourself. This should affect him, too. He can't physically carry a pregnancy for you, but he can share some of the emotional burden you've had to bear. He might be keeping his emotions to himself, but if he just doesn't seem to have much emotion about it...well, that isn't a good sign.

    Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you heal physically and emotionally soon. I also hope your partner is able to be part of that healing process. If he can't, it may raise some serious questions about his long-term future with you.

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  • howaminotmyself
    10 years ago

    I'm sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages and while they were hard, my husband remained silent. He kept a brave face but it was emotionally harder on him then he would let on. I was able to move on as my body healed but he didn't have that as a guide.

    I don't know what a normal reaction is, I only know ours. It is obviously difficult for the mother but I think, as a society, we don't acknowledge the pain the father experiences. And they tend to bury that emotion.

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      OP is asking for support when she's getting none from her selfish self-centred partner and you give her a lecture on how poor men don't have their pain acknowledged?

      Having to terminate a pregnancy which threatened her life is NOT the same thing as 2 miscarriages.

      I do love these people who respond to someone in genuine pain with I, I, me, me, me - it's not about you, it's about her

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      • howaminotmyself
        9 years ago

        do you really find me to be self centered and uncaring?

        I did offer support, sorry you can't see that. But don't insult me by suggesting a routine termination at 8 weeks is more difficult than what I went through. If you knew the details you would not say that, but you dont deserve to know. I will not insult the OP by suggesting her pain isn't valid because it wasn't the same as mine. Loss is hard at any time.

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        • Ellenna
          9 years ago

          The support you did offer was weakened by your excuses for uncaring men. I didn't say more difficult, I just said it wasn't the same and it's not, because a decision is involved in a termination but obviously not in a miscarriage. I didn't suggest anything at all about the validity of your pain or anyone else's and I wouldn't presume to do so: please don't you insult me by suggesting I did so.

          Of course all loss is hard, this isn't a competition.

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          • howaminotmyself
            9 years ago

            You clearly missed the point of my comment. And only make it stronger.

            Men feel and show loss differently than women. I only suggested that her partner was feeling loss that she could not see. He is allowed to feel things in his own way and not how someone else tells him to.

            He probably didn't handle the best way he could, but don't crucify him for that. And why make her feel worse by saying her partner is a jerk? Yes, he could have been kinder and more responsible about things, but maybe he didn't know how to react. That's okay too.

            But clearly I am uncaring because I didn't want to throw him under the bus. Heaven forbid we keep an open mind and look at both sides of a situation before popping off.

            You don't think miscarriages involve decisions? They do. And some are hard. Your ignorance in the matter is offensive. Sorry if you feel insulted, but you don't get to play the victim here. I'm not even sure why you are trying.

            Did some man take away your ability to make decisions about your body? Do you have a baby daddy somewhere who made your life difficult? Because you are projecting here.

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            • Ellenna
              9 years ago

              Of course human beings show loss in different ways, but she's entitled to be upset when she's getting no support from her partner. You remind me of the woman doctor who told my daughter to "be good to your husband, he's had a hard day" as she came out of theatre after an emergency caesarian section ........ just who is experiencing the miscarriages, terminations and births? As far as I'm concerned women come first in this and always will.

              You still seem unable to respond to what I'm actually saying (maybe because you're projecting?) I didn't say he was a jerk, I don't want to crucify him and how on earth can you interpret anything I've written as me playing the victim?

              Pardon my ignorance, but I don't understand what decisions need to be made in relation to a spontaneous miscarriage?

              You should put yr vivid imagination to use in fiction writing elsewhere rather than making up things about someone you don't know. Your last paragraph is just ridiculous.

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  • Kerry69
    10 years ago

    Im sorry for your loss.

    Have a good talk with him.Most men dont have a clue.

    Makes you really think of your future together.

    Good luck :)

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  • imadragon
    10 years ago

    He should be there for you more..
    Btw, I'd want an abortion, don't say that.

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  • Moonbow
    10 years ago

    It is ALL on YOU! I hope you've learned your lesson and either start using birth control or remain celibate until you marry. I'll bet when you were younger, you wondered why parents worried more about girls than boys -- now you know! At eight weeks, it was just a blob and since you weren't married and would have ended up having to raise the kid on your own, thank your lucky stars you had an ectopic pregnancy and move on!

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      I just thumbed you UP and I definitely meant to thumb you DOWN, way down. She doesn't need your lecture, she needs some support and unless her name is Mary and his is Joseph and she was visited by some imaginary friend with wings, he had a hand in this pregnancy too.

      Don't any of you judgmental idiots realise there well-documented hormonal changes in pregnancy and then when it ends, whether that's by miscarriage, abortion or birth.

      I'm going to thumb you well down now ......

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    “We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.”

    -Bill Hicks

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