Is it normal to feel guilty about moving out of home?

74% Normal
7 Comments

Alright - I'm a 28 year old male who, until recently, has had reason to stay living at home with family.
Circumstances have changed so I can, & have decided to, move out on my own.
It's what I feel I need to do to take the next step with my life but the thing is I feel extremely guilty about moving out & leaving my mother behind all by herself.

There's a few contributing factors here:

* I'm a single child & for most of my life she's been a single parent. This creates a unique closeness in my opinion.

* I kind of sprung this on her maybe 3-4 months ago & now I move in 3 weeks. In one way it feels like it's probably quite sudden to her. I'd never really brought up whether I planned on moving or staying before that but I found myself in a bit of a rut & decided I needed a shake-up to move forward with my life.

* I fucked her over in my younger years & still feel guilty & ashamed because of it at certain times.

* The house we're living in was my grandparents & for years I'd planned on keeping it. However the area has changed for the worst & it's not financially sensible any more. Plus it wouldn't suit my needs nor my mothers. We had started to renovate in order to stay here but stopped maybe a year ago.

* I have no friends so until recently spent a lot of my free time doing things with or for her. This has changed a lot now (for different reasons) & will obviously become even less frequent when I move. She works LONG hours & also has basically no social life so we've been each others main company outside of work for years.

* I largely contributed to the house we're both currently living in being a fucking pigsty. I've been a bit of a hoarder & it's become too hard for both of us so we've just given up.
I plan to clean up before/during/after moving out but still...

* The place I'm moving into is near new, nicely furnished, etc.
My mum will continue to live in a shithole house for at least 12 months or so. The cleaning, maintenance, etc will all be too much for her & obviously I plan to help but realistically already am, & will continue to be, wrapped up in my own life.

* I worry about her living alone. She's getting older & is super independent & stubborn. At the moment if I see her trying to do something stupid herself (climb a ladder to do something or whatever) I can take over & do it for her.
I know she won't call me for this stuff even if I make her promise to.
I also worry about her security during the night.
She has a small dog who will bark like crazy & attract attention but can't actually protect her like I could.

Anyway, logically I know that what I'm doing is totally normal & what a parent wants for their child. But I can't help feeling guilty, especially when I'm having a bad day or I think about it too much.

There are things I plan to do - such as cleaning up the property where I'm moving from, helping her sell, helping her get a new place, seeing her often, etc - to help her & maybe minimize my feeling bad but some of this will just take time I guess.

Has anyone else felt bad about leaving home?
Especially if you were leaving someone you have a great relationship with completely alone?

Voting Results
74% Normal
Based on 19 votes (14 yes)
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Comments ( 7 )
  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    no you mustnt its your time not their time , but be loving to those who love you

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  • CountessDouche
    9 years ago

    I think, intellectually speaking, you know full well that your mom would want you to have the chance to live on your own and have your own life...however, knowing the truth objectively is a far cry from dealing with your feelings.

    It sounds to me like you have a huge amount of guilt over past mistakes that you've made, and there's not much you can do in the way of supporting your mom that will make this go away. Part of letting things go will be giving yourself permission to forgive the mistakes you've made and move on; and that's something only you can do for yourself.

    The reality of the situation is that you staying at home is not healthy for either of you, and I don't think that's what your mom would want for you.

    Moving does not mean abandoning her.

    I would recommend sitting down with her and having a frank discussion about your worries and her limitations. I had to do the same with my grandmother when I was care-taking for her (it was very difficult for her to lose her independence, and she wanted to do everything on her own, even though she wasn't physically capable). I had to be honest, unapologetic and blunt; I had to make her realize that asking someone to drive over and help her lift things or do things around the house that required trips up and down the stairs was asking a fuck of a lot less than asking people to be sick with worry and pay her (inevitable) hospital bills when she hurt herself.

    I'm sure you have a network of people available that can help too. Relatives? Family friends? A girlfriend (or boyfriend ;)). There's probably loads of people that can stop by the house and help (especially your girlfriend if she doesn't have a job!).

    If it's financially feasible, you could always hire someone to help with the cleaning, or the maintenance...Mother's Day is coming up.

    You should also speak to your significant other about how important your relationship is with your mom, and make sure she is still part of your life...whether it's helping her around the house, or having her over for dinner.

    Moving across town is not the same as abandoning her. I'm sure you'll still be there to take care of her. You can't change your past mistakes, but it sounds like you're doing the best you can to be there for her now...and that's all you can do.

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    • TrustMeImLying
      9 years ago

      Your first paragraph is like a goldmine to my brain. I couldn't even get past it! Though a proper analogy would be easter egg not goldmine. Or would it be a treasure map? Fossil? Talking squirrel? Hmm

      Anyway, all I'll say is, please don't start sentences with "Intellectually speaking..." Like ever. Even IRL. *whisperitsforyourowngoodwhisper* Danke :-)

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      • CountessDouche
        9 years ago

        Shhhh, no words. You love my stream of consciousness type-y diarrhea peppered with indigestible kernels of "intellectually speaking," "aforementioned," "therefor," "in the aesthetic sense" and all kinds of douche-isms...

        It makes me write like a proper asshole with bifocals on, speaking intellectually.

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  • TrustMeImLying
    9 years ago

    Felt bad about leaving home? Yes.

    The guilt is normal, and in my opinion, guilt is good to have as it can be potentially productive.

    Have a little faith in your mum though. Help her for sure, but she's been a single parent and is much stronger and capable of handling herself than you may think. I was thinking you could maybe transition her into a hobby, maybe something social -- maybe based on her interests? You could gradually start doing it now so that when you leave, the vacuum created by your absence won't be so great and would be somewhat filled up by that hobby.

    I'm sure you probably have this in the back of your mind but given how caught up males can get with practical matters it deserves being said. Don't get so invested in helping her that you forget to make her feel appreciated every now and then. She's bound to find some affection more valuable than help I can assure you. Other than that, there's not much else!

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  • green_boogers
    9 years ago

    Ok. Move out. Visit her every couple of weeks. Fix broken stuff. She will appreciate that. Compliment her for making dessert for you when you visit.

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  • Ace09
    9 years ago

    Uhhh, take ur mom with u?

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