Is it normal to feel ashamed for submitting to my abusive bf?

I was in a domestic violence relationship with my ex-bf for several years before I escaped. Like most, the good times were great, but every once in a while he would get extremely enraged about something unpredictable, and then the abuse, screaming, insults, hitting, punching, kicking and choking would begin. He would usually hurt me very badly (I'd be bleeding or be bruised to the point where I couldn't move or could hardly breathe, or he'd be strangling me until I "stopped lying") until I "admitted" whatever it is he thought I did or was guilty of (and I wasn't, ever), and then he'd strike me several more times, but to the point where I would recover in a relatively shorter time (like a couple of days rather than a week).

*** I'd like to pause here and take a moment for all the people who are saying, "Why did she stay/go back with someone like that?" (If you're not wondering that you can skip this section if you like). I can understand your difficulty in trying to see how someone would allow those circumstances to continue. At the same time, I was very surprised that as often as my neighbors told me (after he was taken to jail and I moved out) how many times they had heard it going on and were "this close" to calling the police, but for some reason never did. But I digress, (and I'm not upset at them at all - many people don't know what to do in this situation, plus he was extremely intimidating in his mannerisms as well as his physical stature). For one thing, it was a call to 911 by my neighbor that saved my life that last day we were together and he was beating me pretty badly that day. I was quite certain he was going to kill me this time (and I tried to escape and was punished). So I am never going to fault any of them. However, if you're of the opinion that "if she goes back she deserves to get beat, she should know better", you really don't know the situation or anyone who is in that situation and everything they are going through, mentally, physically and emotionally, not just in that relationship but in their entire lives. So please don't say or think things like that. I know it feels better to say, so the acts of brutality may be slightly less appalling, but they are shocking for a reason. They shouldn't be diminished, but instead said plainly. Don't judge others until you've walked a mile in their shoes. And believe me, you wouldn't have wanted to do that, so just try to imagine it and be sympathetic. Saying things like that or acting cold to someone suffering in this type of relationship is nearly as cruel as the person who is using their larger, stronger, trained to fight physical stature to dominate and seriously injure the person they are supposed to love the most. They are getting enough pain inflicted by their loved one, and you know it. If you're not going to help, don't make it worse. It paints you with the same paintbrush as the monsters. Okay, rant over. *****

It's been several years since, and I've been trying to put my life back together from everything he helped to ruin when he victimized me. I know I'm a survivor, that he was the one who was weak for treating me in such a brutal, inhuman way, and he was a very large man (six and a half feet tall and close to 300 pounds) while I am a very petite woman (just over five feet and about 120 pounds) who doesn't ever fight at all or know how to defend myself, since I thought I would always be encountering civilized people, and failed to recognize a sociopath when he entered my life. He was also an excellent actor, very convincing of his sanity/innocence but it wouldn't last long. He was bipolar and schizophrenic - I know because he used to take over ten different prescribed behavioral meds when he was diagnosed at 14, but then he discovered street drugs, so he disregarded the advice to *not* self-medicate and stopped taking them all. He was really someone who needed regulated meds, even earlier than 14. He did some sick things even at age 12.

Prior to the relationship, I considered myself a very "strong" woman in my convictions, my intelligence, and my personal constitution. During and after the relationship, I astonished myself several times at how strong I was and how much I was able to accomplish on my own, because living day-to-day was an unusually difficult challenge due to the circumstances, which I won't go into here for the sake of brevity.

My question is, is it normal to still feel ashamed for being "weak" and unable to overcome him when he was hurting me and bullying me? Is it normal to feel upset at myself for "losing" the fight and being forced to say things I didn't want to/didn't do? I know this really seems ridiculous to be asking, and doesn't make logical sense to feel that way. But sometimes I can't help it. I wish I could go back in time and have a knife or a gun, or be a man, or very strong at those moments, and be able to fight back rather than be victimized and feel like a cowering weakling who will just do whatever he says and beg for my life. Reliving those moments where I was so frightened kind of disgusts me and I am disappointed in myself for not "standing my ground" (even though he would have killed me if I did, and that is not an exaggeration).

Is it normal to still be angry at him for treating me so cruelly after I was so kind to him and tried to help him? Is it normal to feel angry at myself for staying so long and putting my life in blind, abject peril time and time again? Is it normal to not want to think about the good times because the foulness of the violent acts he did seems to blot them out, or I at least don't want to start reminiscing. I reserve happy, fond memories for those I love and who love me, not for him.

I still can't even bring this up with my therapist. She knows I was in a domestic violence relationship, but she doesn't know the details. I told the therapist before her, but I don't remember what her advice was. I *do* zone out sometimes if I'm talking about him.

Sorry this is so long, but I've been wondering about this for a while. It's still hard to have a relationship because I have to feel unthreatened, totally trusting, and have a sense of comfortable security to be able to function at a level that is not hypersensitive and kind of frightened of judgment the entire time. Thanks for reading, and for your responses/opinions/votes.