Is it normal to feel apathetic even towards family? like even if they died?

its like im unable to emotionally connect to others. im very apathethic. i can experience cognitive empathy liek "oh ok i can see why that may upset someone' but i dont feel emotionally invested. id ont experience emotional or compassionate empathy at all.

like my uncle mike died but i felt nothing. admittedly we werent close but i honestly feel if i lost my mom or twin brother id still feel nothing. when they are emotionally moved by things it never phases me. im not heartless nor desire to be, im just...different.

idk how to explain it. i pretend. i lie. a LOT. especially about wo i am. my mom thinks im just this sweet loving person n so does rest of my fam but the person they see is a mask. a mask i specifically created to ''blend in' and to ''hide away'' in fear ill be exposed for being wrong or different or lacking and no longer be validated. i seek validation and if i dont get it its nothing for me to cut people off.

anyway i pretend. i people watcha lot and know societies views of what's ''appropriate'' behavior, mannerisms, words to say, and pysical expression of emotional feelings etc. i mimic what i see to ''hide'' that im not like the rest.

im tired. and depressed about having to pretend to be tis character that i'm not. so i have to play this overly sweet person, but that's not me. im not cold and heartless either, but the true me is someonewhere inbetween and i see nothing wrong with it but sad i cant be wwho i am. i hate lying. i hate pretending. i hate acting. and im trapped. ive been playing this character sicne i was 4 years old. yes that young. i was sexually abused starting at that age ending at age 14. and then still abused emotionally by someone else till current.

anyway i have ALWAYS since age 4 felt there was someting inherently wrong with me or different and not like others. so i id that. i dont feel the way others do even that young, but no one else was like me. i was aware i was diffrent. so i created this character, this mask to appease others. ive take off the mask a few times and each time the reactions were hurt, confusion and i could sense the person was even afraid and not welcomign to the real me. the me that's not quite cold n heartless but more logical, intelligent and emotionally removed.

it just makes me want to get up, cut off all contact, change my name and live mya ctual life.