Is it normal to cause rage/anger in partner that turns physical?

27% Normal
21 Comments

My fiance has always prided himself on never getting physical with women and he was angry to hear that the father of my children had. After we got together, I noticed during arguments he'd stick his hands in my face and then started to grab my face, forcing me to look at him and it hurt because he'd dig his fingers in. Then he started doing it to the kids and I told him to stop it. It took awhile, but he made a conscious effort to stop and hasn't done so in over a year now. But I'm left wondering if maybe the common denominator is me. The father of my children would shove and tackle and not let me up and the last thing he did was choke me before I'd had enough. Now my fiance hasn't done anything like that, but when we argue, I can see the anger building up- I asked him if he's ever grabbed any of his past girlfriends in the face like that and he said he hasn't- he doesn't know why he started doing it with me and the kids. A part of me wonders if it's my size that gives them 'permission' to intimidate/dominate me (I'm 4'8) or if it might be my attitude. I'm not sure if there's something about me that pisses them off to the point they want to physically hurt or intimidate me when it might not be in their nature to do so. I don't name-call, I do swear though. And I don't say hurtful things, I always make it a point to stick to what the argument is about. So I know it's not anything to do with hitting 'below the belt'. Unfortunately I've only been with these two men- the father of my children who I was with for 6 yrs and engaged, and now my current fiance who I've been with for 4 yrs. So I don't have any other experience to go off of. Another important point, my fiance has known anger issues- we are working on that; but even with his anger issues, he's never laid hands on his past girlfriends, so I'm wondering is it me?

Voting Results
27% Normal
Based on 26 votes (7 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • iEatZombies_
    11 years ago

    No, he's not abusive -yet-. He should try to stop it himself, as help can be worse if he doesn't need it. And when I say he should stop himself, I mean he should refrain from any verbal abuse as well as touching you. A simple rule of thumb is when you argue, have a 5 ft gap and 'no touching' policy. Anger can leave you not realizing when you hurt someone in even the simplest of matters.
    One thing is certain- him being angry is not your fault. If he can't figure out that he's too angry to make physical contact, how is that your fault?

    If he does get worse, you absolutely need to stay with someone else until he gets help and gets better. I'm not messing around with that. Now that he's aware, he needs to get it under control or get out. One chance. That's it. You can't mess with those babies.

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    • newtdup
      11 years ago

      I disagree! when he does something physically that hurts you, (squeezing your face till it hurts) he is being physically abusive, and if he doesn't know how to control his temper, he is out of control! If he is out of control and gets aggressive with you, he needs professional help. He has no right to treat you or anyone this way. Get him some help, before someone takes care of him for you.

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      • iEatZombies_
        11 years ago

        Not everyone can just go out and grab a box of therapy. Shit's expensive. If you can take care of a problem yourself, you should. People really need to learn how to trust themselves. Besides, therapy only works while you're doing it and for a short time after. Most people rely too much on their doctor and they usually relapse afterwards. If you can do it yourself, it usually has a lasting effect. Usually a good wake-up call snaps one into reality, that's another good method. Too bad we don't have a box of those.

        Anyway, as stated- it's certainly nothing to fuck around with, if it happens even once more after he realizes it's a problem, or if he doesn't see the problem, he should be told 'therapy or door'.

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        • Zonfire80
          5 years ago

          I go to therapy for my bipolar issues.

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  • plum6
    11 years ago

    anger issues like this are difficult to deal with. I myself (male, mid 20's, long term relationship) consider myself well mannered and I am usually in a good mood. However, I have had occasions where frustrations stacked up and I simply lost it. The sad part is that IMO such outbursts only occur towards the ones you really care about. Think about it, if your fiance would not care about what you have to say he would not get upset either, right?

    Even though I have never physically touched my girlfriend I have, on multiple occasions, gone crazy which resulted in my throwing around furniture, punching a hole into a door, and even throwing appliances out the window.

    All i know is that afterwards I would regret it and feel incredibly ashamed of what I have done. What I am trying to say is that ofcourse you should not blame yourself, but you should also realize that probably your fiance is not a bad person at heart and does not want to act this way.

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  • IceEye22
    11 years ago

    Why haven't you stabbed him yet?

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  • dirtybirdy
    11 years ago

    You let him put his hands on your kids??

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  • ccjigsaw
    11 years ago

    Sounds like he's putting on a show about the past girlfriends thing. You already know he has anger issues, so that's probably more in his nature that you think.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    I get physical with anyone male or female that really ticks me off. I did once also choke a former girlfriend in a fight. I can't say it bothered me much though, the action feels so disconnected from the feeling. It's like a trance state or something so i'm not sure all abusers really notice how bad their actions may be. I am aware that I have some sort of deep seated issue with women, but beyond that it's a mystery.

    But honestly I am unapologetic and will remain that way for life. I don't believe people can run their mouth with impunity.

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    • dirtybirdy
      11 years ago

      I can relate to this. I used to be very violent in general and with boyfriends when they pissed me off. I would black out and not really remember once I snapped out of it. I gave one a black eye and a sweet fat lip. Bruised the crap of another one. I was also choked by a man to the point of almost passing out but in retrospect i deserved it. So you wanna fight? No?? Pff pussssyyyy. Fine. Nevermind.

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago

        The word "black out" is a bit strong for me. It's more like I know what i'm doing but there's no urgency to stop, no panic type feeling.

        Meowww i'll fight you.

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        • dirtybirdy
          11 years ago

          Now that I've finally settled down, just a warning, if i die in the storm over here I'm going to haunt you. Yes i am. Its only fair that you know, so I told you.

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          • [Old Memory]
            11 years ago

            Oh that "frankenstorm" thing? Sounds crazy.

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            • dirtybirdy
              11 years ago

              Oh dry your nostrils now, I'm alive. My nest survived. The east side of my town is pretty much destroyed though. It is craziness over here.

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        • dirtybirdy
          11 years ago

          Me-fuckin-ow! Bring it you sexy sonofabitch!!

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  • KeddersPrincess
    11 years ago

    What the hell are you asking advice from us for? Leave! The common mistake that most women make when a guy is abusive is they come up with all these excuses. Or they'll say "It was just one time". As soon as he put your hands on you and your kids,it should have set off the alarm! It doesn't matter how nice of a guy he seems to be, if it was just one time and you think it will never happen again, often times, one time becomes one time. It's best to get out of the situation before it gets even worse. Do not defend this guy! Also, you mentioned that he has put his hands on his your kids. It is your job as their mother to protect them as all cost, even if that means you have to leave the man you love.

    I think you have a tendency to go after guys that are abusive. Lots of women who were abused by a previous boyfriend often find another man that will abuse her as well. She does this out of her subconsience mind, so I think you should seek help so that this chain won't continue. And please stop blaming yourslef, so many women make that same mistake, it will leave you know where good. I think you have horrible taste in men, but I could never think that there is something that you are doing that is so wrong that all of them feel the need to hurt you. Say that back to yourself. Doesn't it sound ridiculous?

    Stop making excuses for him! I have a hard time beleiving that he's never put his hands on his past girlfriends and he's just saying he hasn't to keep you around. Get your kids, and get out of the situation before it grows. Often times, abusers don't start off as abusive, and in several situations, he doesn't show signs of abuse until later on in the relationship. Again, you owe it to your kids and yourself to not let this esculate.

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  • Terence_the_viking
    11 years ago

    Oops i fell asleep will trying to decipher the wall of text code.

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  • fullhouse
    11 years ago

    I'd call the cops on him if he puts hands on the children. If it was 'just you' then why hit the children? I think you're just submissive to them so they think they can get away with it.
    Get him to work hard on his anger issues and you work on not arguing as much.. I hope it works out as you've been together long enough. If it dosent break it off or it'll go on increasing

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  • drugsrbadmkay
    11 years ago

    NO NO NO it is NOT your fault. As the other poster said, leave him! This kind of stuff just escalates, he is probably lying about never hurting another woman. If not for your own sake, for the sake of your kids, get rid of this loser!

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  • purplegirl22
    11 years ago

    When women are abused the first thing that they thing is that it's their fault. I'm sorry to say but maybe you just have a tendency to pick abusive spouses?

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