Is it normal to calm down when i think about hurting myself?

I used to struggle with self-harm a few years back. I've mostly been staying away from that and not doing anything that leaves lasting damage for the last three years. I still struggle with anxiety and depression however. Sometimes, when I feel jittery, have insomnia or anxiety, or just feel bad overall, I find it very calming to imagine very violent things happening to me.
Trigger warning, please don't read ahead if you don't want to hear about (fictional) gore.
One time, i drifted off to sleep while imagining someone using an electric chainsaw to cut my chest open and remove my skin off of my bones then crack bits and pieces off my rib cage until all that's left is a huge gaping hole where my chest was. It's a fantasy I revisit often when I'm having trouble sleeping. I often daydream about peeling all my skin off and I relish the imaginary pain. I look at my wrists and thighs and imagine gashing them open with sharp knives and I immediately feel a wave of calm wash over me.
I miss self-harm, but I know it doesn't solve anything and is not a healthy coping mechanism.
I want to seek therapy, but it is very much frowned upon by my culture and is not really available to me anyways due to the current circumstances.