Ask Your Question today
Well I posted a question on here earlier this week!
And well I'm sure I'm straight but some of the comments have made me consider my sexuality!! I've never had sexual feeling toward other girls and I've had relationships with boys! But now I'm starting to wonder? Is this normal to be so unsure??
I am a human sexuality educator. One of the biggest things I stress to my students is the following:
There are 7 billion people in this world. I am a gay man myself, but does that mean that I will NEVER be attracted to a single woman ever? Out of 7 billion people? I mean, those odds would be astronomical wouldn't they? To say that I am just UNABLE to be attracted to any of the 3.5 billion women on Earth? ... of course there are women that I'm attracted to. The same way that many straight people have attractions towards people of the same sex. The issue is, we will never in our lifetimes meet 7 billion people. We only meet a few thousand. Are brains are only capable of having 150 stable relationships. Even if we met 1 million people in our lifetime, that's not even a mere DENT in the world population. So what proof do I have to say that I am ONLY attracted to (fill in the blank). We don't have any justification. That's why the labels of sexual orientation are confusing. Because when you label something, you restrict it as well. When the truth is, no matter how we are born or raised, sexuality is a person-by-person experience.
So the label of sexual orientation is really no more than a guideline.
There's 5 types of attractions. (RARES) Romantic, Affectional, Relational, Emotional, and Sexual. We tend to base our guideline of sexuality depending on how often these attractions are triggered by different sexes and genders. So if I'm more often to have 4 of the 5 attractions to more women, and only 1 or 2 attractions to men, we'd probably say I was a straight male. But again, that doesn't mean that I don't have attractions towards both sexes. And the thing is, some attractions develop from other attractions. For example, if I'm sexually attracted to someone, I don't know them emotionally from first glance. But then maybe I get to know them better, and do become attracted emotional. I should also mention that when I say "attraction" people tend to think this is automatically sexual. If you have a best friend you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have a relational attraction to them. If you have a guy friend or gal pal that you talk about you love to hug, squeeze, or cuddle with, you have an affectional attraction. Again, these aren't sexual.
We live in a society that judges us mainly on our sexual BEHAVIOR. We're quick to say, "If you're a man, and you have sex with a woman, you're obviously straight." But... what if while having sex with a woman, that man is thinking of another man? What does that make him then? ... It makes him whatever he chooses to identify as. Because sexuality is so complex, so complicated... to try and label would be asinine.
My point is: Identify with whatever makes you most comfortable. I have more and more friends identifying as "queer" which basically means that your sexuality is not part of the hetero-normative. Even people that pursue heterosexual relationships use it, because they understand that there's 7 billion people out there... it could be many many different people that make us feel special. And they can be of any gender, sex, expression, orientation... of any sexuality.
I'm sorry I wrote you a novel, but I hope you read what I wrote in hopes that it helps you understand sexuality a little bit more.
Having bad relationships with boys is a scapegoat excuse to move to girls. I had bad relationships with women, my ex being the worst. That doesn't make me want balls in my mouth lmao.
If you find women attractive then go for it, but don't use excuses. Plus, what's your age? You can't base your relations with boys from high school as bad relationships. It's fucking high school. College is an extension of high school. Now, if you're mid 30s, and had more than 5 boyfriends after high school AND they all ended because the male did something horrible, never your fault, then I'd accept the whole "men are horrible" attitude.
Don't deny what you feel. If you're, gay, bi, or straight Don't let others dictate how you find that out. You feel how you feel.
What now? Are you unsure about your sexuality or not?
By a possibility of 95%, you are bisexual to some grade, which is perfectly normal.
I can say, most people that are unsure about their sexuality are bisexual, but are just in denial.
There are a lot of stupid, homophobic assholes here, too.
I'm not an "gay activist" (whatever this is), I'm not even gay, and I still think you talk complete bullshit. Sorry to say.
I think you should read my comment at the top again, and really reflect on it. As I've said, I'm a human sexuality educator. Emphasis on the word *human*. Every human being has attractions. But not all attractions are sexual.
The labels of sexuality are also not black and white. It's like trying to define "freedom" or "love". Kate Bornstein is a well-known feminist writer. She writes about gender. She describes gender like asking someone, "How many shades of red are there?" It's a question that can't be answered. There's unlimited amounts of red. And depending on someone's perception, two shades of red may be different shades, but appear quite similar to the naked eye. Our overall sexuality is the same way. And realize, when I say sexuality- I don't mean just sexual orientation. I mean our biological sex, gender, orientation, behavior, identity, and expression.
I understand that to some people, this might seem like "gay" propaganda. But I think that's only because you're unfamiliar to what is being expressed. I think you may have misunderstood what she meant when she said "Well I'm sure I'm straight..." Actually, that's not all she said. That quote is taken out of context.
Before I realized I was gay, I was sure I was straight. I had dated 3 girls, and they were all very pretty. But when it came to kissing them, or going further... I just never felt anything. I like to compare it to kissing a pillow. Just because we do the behavior doesn't mean we are aroused. Even if I am comfortable and affectionate with a woman, that doesn't mean I am sexually aroused. There is a difference between arousal and comfort. So even if there was this fear you had that children could be somehow propagandized into thinking they are gay, children would figure it out themselves regardless. After all, every where I looked when I was "sure I was straight" there was straight propaganda. Everywhere I looked, television, movies, magazines, even in the hallway of our schools, there were always heterosexual couples. Even today, with the many progressive imagery the queer community has put out in the media, I still get stares when I'm holding hands with my boyfriend. Whereas if a heterosexual couple were to do so, many wouldn't think anything of it. But even with all of the propaganda pushed onto me about being straight, it still didn't make me have arousal or emotional satisfaction thinking of any of the hundred of girls around me. But I did *take notice* to the boys when we were changing in the locker room. And not just one boy, but several of them. And none of these feelings were from any interaction. They were just from looking.
(Continued)
So there are some parts of my sexuality that I just *knew*. But how any person has several relationships before they find someone special, there are many parts of my sexuality I can only discover by experimenting. This didn't *make* me gay by experimenting. This just cleared up some of my own confusion that I was already questioning. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, it's not "propaganda" to say to someone they should experiment when they are unsure. And in a world that constantly promotes heterosexuality, where it is known that not everyone is straight, it's understood why many can be confused. Only the individual can know their identity, but for some it takes a while to discover because of the standards put onto us as a society.
As for the labels of sexuality, as I stated above, they can be really confusing as well. Because to label your sexual orientation limits your identity. Because the attractions we have every day are not just sexual attractions, nor are they "gay" or "straight". They are human attractions. I have been sexually attraction to one or two girls I've met in my life. But they didn't spark me in the emotional aspect of my attractions. We want to be fulfilled and happy in ways that don't just happen sexually. Just because I had sexual attractions for two different girls, compared to the thousands of men I've found sexually attractive doesn't mean I have to re-come out as bisexual. Because that's not what I am comfortable identifying as. I am a gay man. I feel good to say I am. I feel like part of my identity would be false is I claimed to be something other than that. But it's not to say that if I didn't find other attractions to these girls I found sexually attractive that I wouldn't pursue it. If I really had a sexual, emotional, relational, romantic, and affectional attraction, I wouldn't just let her slip through my fingers. Yet I'd still keep my identity as gay. You might think that doesn't make sense... maybe not to you, but to me, gay is my identity. I can't change my happiness for the label I've given my own sexuality. I take pride in being gay, and part of who I am.
That's what we are trying to say to straight people. You can still label yourself as straight and have attractions towards people of the same sex/gender. You can even pursue a same sex/gender relationship and still call yourself straight. It's not just about the act of sex. There's much more to it. But sexual orientation, it's just a label. That's really all it is. It's a guideline.
I don't want you to think I'm be facetious or trying to insult your beliefs, but I think if you could open your mind about this a bit more, perhaps you could find more happiness and satisfaction with your own sexuality and identity. It's not me trying "hypnotize you into being gay." That's not at all what I'm implying. It's to say that if you allow yourself to stop seeing sexuality as purely sexual, you could see the every day attractions you feel towards men and women, and realize- it's okay. This doesn't make you gay or bisexual. You can still be straight and have attractions to all kinds of people. I think you'd feel much happier with yourself as a person. Again, not trying to belittle you. It's just what I've witnessed in many people after I've had some serious discussions with them as a human sexuality educator.