Is it normal to be this effed up?

I hate to be happy, as a result I tend to force myself into an emotional limbo and persistent pessimism to keep from feeling anything positive. The reason I hate being happy is because my happiness is sort of twisted. Whenever something makes me happy I immediately become suicidal. No, I'm not suicidal, I have no desire or urge to kill myself, as it would hurt the ones I care for, but moreso I promised my fiancée I never would. That said, happiness makes me immediately think of and wish for death. The part that kills is that it's a crushing, draining urge. Like, it hurts more than any physical pain I've ever experienced. It's the type of feeling that makes you feel helpless to rid yourself of it, like being tickled. Gosh, it's just the most wretched and terrible effing feeling... And It lasts as long as I remain happy.

However, that's not the worst part. The part that bothers me the most is that when I am sad, depressed, I become happy. But no suicidal thoughts accompany this happiness. I am, by all inward and outward appearances, legitimately happy. I smile so much it hurts, I laugh, I feel on top of the world and enjoy myself, friends and life SO much when I'm miserable. I often listen to depressing music, cut myself, et cetera to get to this state. I'm also able to, since I lost her, force it through a less abrasive method, that is thinking of the last few minutes I had with my fiancée before she passed. But prior to that all I could do was use the former methods.

This has been the norm for me as early in my life as age six, that I can remember. So... Is this normal? Has anyone experienced happiness and depression this way?