Is it normal to be so infuriated and sad over this?

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20 Comments

I was talking to my mom about gay marriage. She vehemently opposes it, I support it. I asked her why she opposed it, she gave me the list of standard reasons. They all bothered me but one bothered me in a really personal way.

"It's the demise of the family" (mother, father, children), "now gay people are allowed to adopt and 2 gay people can't raise children properly"

My jaw dropped. Not only because of the ignorance but because I grew up in a traditional family (mom, dad, sibling). My family was the definition of dysfunctional! Both of my parents were alcoholics. We were beaten, not spanked, BEATEN. We were neglected, not as badly as some other kids are but it was still bad. We didn't have all of our most basic needs met. We weren't shown love. We were worked to death. We were berated constantly. My parents allowed molestation to happen and did nothing (they didn't molest us, people they associated with did). They didn't even stop these people from coming over after they knew what had happened! They took enormous risks to our safety and health constantly, driving drunk with us, leaving us in the care of untrustworthy people, neglecting our medical needs, and other things.

I brought this up and my mom said they "did the best they could" and she knew they made "mistakes". FYI, we've never gotten an apology for any of it or even a real acknowledgement of what they did. It's always this generic "we made mistakes, nobody's perfect". OK, what mistakes? SAY WHAT YOU DID!! Acknowledge it!!

I was so hurt that she is so blasé about how we were treated yet was so concerned about gays adopting a child and that being the demise of the family and, consequently, the demise of the entire country! Why the hell weren't you this concerned about your own children??

I struggled a lot with problems due to my upbringing for many years and finally got my life straight after a lot of hardship and pain. My brother has suffered from addiction and alcoholism since his teen years and unfortunately still hasn't overcome it yet.

This whole thing pissed me off so badly that I haven't spoken to my mother since then. My goodness, why can't loving caring people adopt a child???? Who cares if they are gay?? I don't see how being gay impacts the level of care and love one gives to a child. From my experience, being STRAIGHT means you're more likely to mistreat children!! As far as I know, as a child I'd ONLY been mistreated by straight people.

is it normal to be so upset over this? I'm so angry that both I and the gay community has to put up with this woman's (and others like her) ignorance and meanness. I hope I'm not just feeling sorry for myself, if I am then please say so.

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Based on 127 votes (101 yes)
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Comments ( 20 )
  • IrkenInvaderLesley
    11 years ago

    It's normal to feel that way as the matter upsets me too. I'm sorry you were mistreated, OP. Gays and lesbians should be able to get married and other people have no right to deny these couples the chance of being together by law. That's one of the problems with marriage: people would rather make others miserable by denying them the chance of marriage while they're floating on cloud 9 with their significant other. It shoudn't matter if the couple is straight, bi, lesbian, gay, or transsexual they should still be able to get married.

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  • westoptic
    11 years ago

    I don't understand how two people being in love can piss off so many other people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with two gay people getting married and I'm so fucking thankful I live in a progressive country (Canada) where it's legal. I'm a female, heterosexual, and I have friends who are gay and lesbian and I have never felt weird or different around them EVER. We are all just human beings for fucksake, isn't that all that matters? People disgust me, finding any fucking reason they can to deny others happiness.

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  • party_in_my_pants666
    11 years ago

    Your parents are terrible people,period.

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  • dom180
    11 years ago

    I'm angry and sad too, and all I've done is read about your experience. I'd be very, very angry and sad if I was you.

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  • Short4Words
    11 years ago

    I think you are being unfair to straight parents now but I'll give you a hint on why I stand against gay marriage. I do not believe, that a set of gay parents unconditionally loving a child, is worse than a set of straight parents who do not give love to their child, the idea is though, that no parents should be doing things like driving drunk with their kids onboard, or at all, forgiving someone who molested you is one thing, but I don't think bring them in again should have happened unless you were ready for that. Any parent can make these mistakes, however ignorant they are, straight or gay. No one should be doing that period.

    My problem with gay parents, is that I do not believe that love is the only thing required to raise a child, I firmly believe in gender roles, to a degree, and how a mother and a father affects a childs growth differently. I believe naturally, men are more stern than woman, are therefore more likely to help a child understand responsibility and consequences, whereas a mother is more often one who will extend love and grace to a child even if they have misbehaved, both sexes can do either, but I believe one does them better, maybe from how they are raised, maybe from genetics as well, I feel as though it is part of our nature, and rewriting that would take a long time. So the way I see it is, a man and a woman who unconditionally love their child is ideal, to me. And I am willing to change my opinion if studies on gender role and indentification truly prove null. But I haven't yet.

    I hope we can respect each other's opinion and can come to an understanding sooner or later.

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    • thisismegdi
      11 years ago | pl

      Your view on gay marriage is very interesting.
      Do you believe gay couples should be banned from raising children?
      If so, then you must also be against single adults raising children as well, because that raises the same problem.

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      • Short4Words
        11 years ago

        This is a great question, you've given me something to think about.

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    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago

      You feel it's part of our nature. Ok, sure. But how other people raise their kids, and particularly how other people are allowed to live and raise their kids, shouldn't be based on your personal feelings.

      You haven't presented evidence that children need the environment you're describing, you've just stated that it seems that way to you. That's good enough for you to form an opinion about how you'd like to live your life. You can live your life however you like. But when it comes to what other people are allowed to do, we really need more than your personal reckoning and experience. My experience, incidentally, is different. My mom was more stern than my dad when I was growing up. The same is true in many families. It just varies from family to family and from parent to parent.

      Even if it were more difficult to raise a child in a same sex marriage, so what? There are a lot of things that can present challenges in raising children, but that doesn't mean that people who they apply to shouldn't be allowed to get married or have kids. I'm physically disabled, and that will affect how I'm able to raise my kids, when I have them. Some things will be different and, at times, harder. Should I not be allowed to have kids, or even marry? It can be challenging for older people to raise children, as well as people who already have many children. Should they not be allowed to marry or have children?

      In the end, it's really none of your business. It's not your marriage, it's not your children, and it's not your job to judge based on what conditions you consider ideal. Let people decide what's best for them.

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      • Short4Words
        11 years ago

        You're right, I don't think I was being fair. I used the word against, which I am not, I am just not for, maybe therefore that means I am against, but right now I am just not ready to support something that I don't know about. I talk about gender identity a lot and I'm glad you've pointed me out because now I really want to do the research and see if one truly affects the other.

        I just want to make myself clear though. I don't want to deny others happiness but my personal confusion might surely be doing that. I don't want to lead people down the wrong path and I'm sorry. I'll take some time to think about it.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Of course no one should mistreat a child but what my mom was saying was essentially that no matter how bad a straight couple is they're still better than even the BEST (capable, loving, caring, stable) gay couple. For someone like myself who was mistreated badly by my straight parents, it's hard to hear someone be so concerned about the impact of merely being gay as being worse than all of the horrible things they did to us. She is willing to fight hard against gays being married and raising children but never fought for her own children and made no effort to be a good parent herself.

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      • RoseIsabella
        11 years ago

        I think it's just extremely triggering for you to hear an anti gay marriage argument from your mom because she's such an awful parent and a raging hypocrite. Your mother is probably the last person who needs to be talking to anyone about family values, especially you and your brother. You might need to limit the time you spend with your mother especially if she's not sober yet.

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      • Short4Words
        11 years ago

        This is true. She cannot condemn gay marriage and at the same time excuse her own actions, she may have similar beliefs as I, which don't make them 100% right, but I think her difficulty with admitting her failings as a parent have less to do with being straight and more to do with her being unable to come to terms with it.

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  • Terence_the_viking
    11 years ago

    ok so you went from gay marriage to how crappy your life was.

    What is the question you are trying to ask here?

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  • annm2361
    11 years ago

    I think it triggered more routed issues but am agreed with u!

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  • HelloGoodbye42
    11 years ago

    I am appalled by your mother's words. This is not ok, and you have every right to be pissed.

    I know neither of you and I am a ball of righteous fury right now.

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  • lovecrackelnails
    11 years ago

    I see why Someone wouldnt like gay pple adopting but coming from a person that did everything u said she did has no right to say that! Plus everyone is free to do whatever they like with their lives!

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  • starie
    11 years ago

    oh ffs! Your parents didn't do a shitty job raising you because of their sexuality. Sexuality has nothing to do with anything. Your parents are who they are and that's why they did a "shitty" job.

    I wish people would stop placing people into groups. "Gay people" "straight people" Bloody hell, I wish someone would just say the word "person" or "people" without some label behind it.

    I don't give a shit if someone has a dick or a vagina. It's just a body part for crying outloud. If people stopped caring so much about it then they'd finally give everyone an equal shot.

    A person isn't bad because of their sex, sexuality, race, etc... They're bad because of their past and how their issues effect their behaviour today.

    If someone wants a chance at having their own family, more power to them. People should try worrying more about if the person adopting is a nutjob and less about who they fuck.

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  • 1000yrVampireKing
    11 years ago

    Just being gay is not going to guarantee they are better parents. However it does seem slightly hypocritical if your parents were truly that awful. Some people believe that children need a strong father figure and a female figure to raise a child properly. That having two men that are girlish raise a boy or girl will be negative for them in the long run. I don’t think it matters as we need someone to adopt children and a lot of straight people prefer having kids. So if you cant have one I think you would be more likely to adopt. Orphans and foster children deserve to have parents.

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    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago

      "That having two men that are girlish raise a boy or girl will be negative for them in the long run."

      1) Um. Gay men aren't "girlish". There are gay men on various parts of the gender spectrum. Some are feminine, some aren't. But there's no reason to expect a man to be "girlish" just because he's gay.

      2) Why would that be negative for them in the long run?

      3) Adoption is not the only option available for gay couples to have children.

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      • 1000yrVampireKing
        11 years ago

        I never said that was my view. I have already said I do not care. Some people do believe this. By girlish I meant feminine and that is how some people see it.

        They believe you need balance and if you do not have a motherly and a fatherly figure it is not going to work. Which makes sense to a degree but I do not think they should stop them from adopting. Since most straight people CAN have kids and usually will have their own children.

        I personally would love to adopt if I chose to have kids. I do not believe it would be wise as I do not make enough to afford them. This belief was also presented when they tried to assure that gay couples could not adopt. So if you read up on this you will see.

        Which no not all gay men are girly obviously. I never said I believed that either. However gay men have a reputation for being like that. Women have an image of being well butch. However you can also see relationships with one very masculine character and one very feminine one.

        So nothing is really that simple but this is the argument. Be it girl x girl or boy x boy. I would think it would be very helpful since these kids are unwanted and these people can not have children from each other. So I think we should encourage this not discourage it.

        I have said I believe gay couples should have a right to adopt in another comment as well. So I do not think it really matters. These children have no one. Who are we to say well you seem like good candidates but oops your gay never mind. Like that is productive at all?

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